MIAMI – (Sports Satire) – The manager of the Miami Marlins, Don Mattingly, told reporters that his players are having a hell of time playing in the dreaded Hurricane State heat.
He noted that one of his starting infielders got sick after drinking 7 bottles of orange Gatorade within a four minute period.
And one of his outfielders said that just in one 9-inning game, he lost 11 pounds due to heat exhaustion. He said he felt like he was in the effing Sahara Desert.
So Mattingly decided to speak to the team owner Bruce Sherman and the team’s CEO Derek Jeter, and they have come up with an idea where the players will play in shorts, tank tops, and open-toed cleats.
Matt pointed out that they will keep two of the present uniform colors; midnight black and caliente red, plus they will be adding grapefruit pink and extremist white.
One bullpen pitcher upon hearing that the team will be going from long cotton ankle-length pants to shorts said that they can beat him with a catcher's mitt and he will still refuse to wear the girly-looking shorts.
Another player remarked that if he is made to wear shorts then he wants to be traded either to the American League Central Division-leading Chicago White Sox or to the National League West Division-leading San Francisco Giants.