NEW YORK CITY - (Sports Satire) – After years and years of many players asking that Major League Baseball stop the archaic practice of allowing players, coaches, umpires, and bat boys to partake in sunflower seed spitting, things will be changing.
Commissioner Rob “The Man” Manfred, has informed the sports media that, starting with the new season, the disgusting habit of spitting sunflower seed shells in the dugout, as well as on the playing field, will end.
The commissioner said that, in just the last three seasons, 17 players and coaches, along with two security guards and a bat boy, slipped and injured themselves on sunflower seed shells that had been carelessly spit on the floor or the ground.
Skippy Bagapelli, backup catcher with the Baltimore Orioles, confessed that he knows, for a fact, that his incessant seed spitting is responsible for the injury to two of his fellow teammates, relief pitcher, Gregorio Tiburon, and backup second baseman, Mantingo Tribble.
Bagapelli remarked that the habit got so bad that, after the game, he would have to take time to remove the seeds from his hair, his socks, and on 6 occasions, his baseball crotch cup.
Meanwhile, the makers of Danny Boys Sunflower Seeds have announced that, due to losing the $17 million yearly MLB sunflower seed contract, they are going to have to lay off 82% of their employees, and sell 14 of their 18-wheeler delivery trucks.
