Virus Hit Aston Villa Announce Shock Replacement Squad

Funny story written by Nick Hobbs

Friday, 8 January 2021

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6-year old Dennis, Aston Villa's new left back.

As Covid-19 runs rampant throughout the UK, premiership football team Aston Villa have been hit full on, as their entire senior squad is completely out of action due to the virus.

Even manager, Dean Smith, will be absent from the FA Cup clash with Liverpool.

Speaking to us from Villa Park, a spokesperson told us: 'It's mad! They all got Covid, and have to self-isolate. This means a new squad had to be picked at very short notice.'

'Luckily, the head groundsman, Jim, is pretty lively on his toes, despite being 63,' he continued, 'so he's agreed to have a go in goal as player-manager.'

'Then there's Terry Hicks. He usually does the line painting, so he's used to going up the wing, albeit wheeling one of those paint trolley things, but he'll be fine, either left or right. He's not fussed.'

'Dennis, he's a good lad, son of one of the accountants. He's quite stubborn and goes in hard for a six-year-old, so we've selected him as our left back and team captain.'

When we asked who had been selected at the important roll of striker, the spokesperson told us: 'It's not fully decided yet. It's a close call between Sid, the window cleaner - he's fairly quick up a ladder, so we're hoping he might be able to convert that to the flat -
or my pick,' he continued 'would be Doreen, from the cafeteria. Sure, she's 72, but she can land a used tea bag in a bin from about 30 yards! Those stats don't lie.'

We reached out to opponents Liverpool for comment, but they were too busy laughing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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