Liverpool Players Claim They Were 'Put Off' By Saxophonist

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 23 June 2020

image for Liverpool Players Claim They Were 'Put Off' By Saxophonist
Grimsdyke performing his relaxing repertoire

After the most bizarre Merseyside Derby in living memory at the weekend, players of both Liverpool and Everton say they were "nervous to start with", but became increasingly so when they couldn't concentrate because of the relaxing tunes being played by a saxophonist outside Goodison Park.

The game was both teams' first under Project Restart, the recommencement of the Premier League season, and ended all-square at 0-0.

Amazingly, there were NO shots on target during the entire game. Players said afterwards they felt as if they "couldn't be bothered", partly due to the threat of contracting a potentially-deadly virus, partly due to there being no fans and, therefore, no atmosphere, but, said many players:

"mainly down to that bloke with the saxophone!"

The saxophonist, local man, Kevin Grimsdyke, played dozens of melancholy tunes, including Joy Division's 'Love Will Tear Us Apart', Gerry Rafferty's 'Baker Street', and 'Oh, Bondage, Up Yours!' by X-Ray Spex, which was rather fitting, under the circumstances.

At times, the game felt like a practice session, with a backdrop of soothing, mellow rhythms, and the best chance fell to Liverpool 's Mohamed Salah, who, bearing down on the Everton 18-yard box, suddenly became aware of the sax, and mistimed his shot, hitting the corner flag.

The referee had to stop the game on 81 minutes when it was realised that two Toffees' defenders, Seamus Coleman and young Mason Holgate, were sitting up against their team's goalposts with their eyes closed, listening to the melodies.

Grimsdyke was later told to sling his hook.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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