Football Riot Sparks Call For Change In Policing

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 21 June 2020

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Football: it seems to, somehow, 'attract' violence, doesn't it?

A major disturbance during a top football match sparked calls for improved security and policing if a repeat of the disgraceful scenes of violence was to be avoided.

The incident happened way back in 1974, but I've only just remembered it.

The Subbuteo League Division One match between Burnley and Hull City, in the living-room of the parents of Moys Kenwood, 11, erupted into total mayhem, and an adult was forced to intervene

Kevin Dixon, also 11, was flicking for the Clarets.

The trouble started when Kenwood's mam encroached onto the playing surface with her vacuum cleaner, sucking one of the Burnley players up into the machine.

Events then unfolded quickly.

As the young man remonstrated with his mam, the pitch became ruffled, and a goal was overturned. Kenwood remonstrated:

"Ey, Mam!"

His mother tutted, and told him they should have waited until she'd finished hoovering, before starting such an 'important fixture'.

Dixon looked on, impassively.

As she moved away, however, Mrs Kenwood accidentally trod on one of the Hull City players, rendering him unavailable for the rest of eternity.

This was too much for master Kenwood.

He folded his arms and put out his bottom lip. Tears welled-up in his eyes.

"That was Chris Chilton!" he said.

To make matters worse, Dixon then knelt on the City left-winger, Ian Butler, and, reacting to this, knocked over a beaker of orange juice, leaving the left touchline soggy, and abandonment loomed.

When the two boys started arguing, Kenwood's dad entered the fray, ushering his wife away with her hoover, then calming the team managers down.

Both players lost their tempers and looked to blame each other. Some things were said that weren't meant, and there was pushing.

Then Kevin was sent home for his tea.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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