Football Gossip: Guardiola Under Threat, Come Back Mourinho, Pochettino Not Employed to Win Trophies

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 1 February 2019

image for Football Gossip: Guardiola Under Threat, Come Back Mourinho, Pochettino Not Employed to Win Trophies
"No, Emre, kick it AWAY from our goal."

After his crisis club's nightmare 2-1 defeat by no-hopers Newcastle United, Pep Guardiola is fighting to save his job as he seeks to get Manchester City's title defence back on track. "Next week will be tough with Arsenal, Everton and Chelsea," he told The Spoof "and I've already written out my resignation just in case".

Following two cup defeats in four days, Tottenham Hotspur manager, Mauricio Pochettino, denied that it is his job to win trophies for the ailing club. After Tottenham's elimination from the FA Cup by Crystal Palace, he claimed that winning silverware would only "inflate egos", and detract from the progress which he is making with his team. Tottenham fans were quick to agree with his assessment, saying they are quite happy not to win anything.

FIFA has turned down a request from the International Federation of Football Writers begging FIFA to find a new job for failed Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho. FIFA spokesman Joachim Arschloch told The Spoof "while it's true that the football world is suffering from a lack of football news stories since Maureen's sacking, it's not up to us to find a job for that attention-seeking bastard. You'll just have to carry on making up your own stories, like you always do".

There are lies, damned lies and football statistics, and former Liverpool midfielder Emre Can's dream move to Juventus just doesn't seem to be what he hoped for. In Sunday's match against Lazio, he managed just 54 touches - nine more than goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny - one shot, one tackle and one interception - while failing to register a key pass, and picking up a yellow card. He did manage to score though, but unfortunately in his own net.

Fulham completed the signing of winger Lazar Markovic from Liverpool late on transfer deadline day, as striker Aboubakar Kamara joined Turkish club Yeni Malatyasporle on loan. Kamara was arrested at Fulham's training ground on 21 January on suspicion of actual bodily harm and criminal damage. His agent told The Spoof that Kamara was pleased to be leaving for Turkey, and would resist any attempts to extradite him back to England for trial.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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