Football Gossip: Borussia Dortmund Sniggers, Jobbygate, Craig Bellamy shock, Leeds pen?

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 3 January 2019

image for Football Gossip: Borussia Dortmund Sniggers, Jobbygate, Craig Bellamy shock, Leeds pen?
That's what I think of your match.

Borussia Dortmund officials are sniggering at Chelsea's profligacy as it was made official that United States international Christian Pulisic is now a Chelsea player for a fee of £58m. Pulisic will remain at Dortmund until the end of the current season, and the 20-year-old has become the most expensive American footballer. Dortmund chairman Karl Schweinhund was unable to comment as he was too busy laughing.

A break in play during the Lowland League match between Spartans and Gretna on 22 December, led to a tweet that went around the world. "A break in play as the referee asks that a jobby is shovelled off the pitch". A pesky fox had done its business on Ainslie Park and the Spartans' tweet had close to a million impressions. Rumour has it the fox was passing his comment on the matchplay.

Leeds United fans complain that their side never gets decisions from match officials and back it up with cold, hard statistics. Until 8th December, the Whites had gone 58 games without being awarded a penalty, but early in the second half against QPR, referee Peter Banks pointed to the spot for a handball by Toni Leistner and Kemar Roofe scored the penalty for Leeds. Referee Banks admitted later "I did it for a bet".

The football world is shocked that loveable rogue Craig Bellamy has temporarily stepped down as Cardiff City Under-18s coach following the club's decision to investigate a bullying claim against him. Ex-Liverpool star John Arne Riise is among those dismayed at the news even though he claims that Craig Bellamy could have ended his career when Bellamy attacked him with a golf club in 2007. Other events in which the ever popular gobby Welsh person has been involved include in 2011 being arrested and bailed on suspicion of assault after an incident in Cardiff, and, in 2006, charged with, but cleared of, assaulting two girls. In 2002, Bellamy also received a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub, and, in March 2003, he was charged with racially aggravated harassment outside a nightclub, but was later acquitted. Said Riise "I don't know why these things keep happening to Craig, he's a really nice bloke."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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