New Bristol Rovers manager Graham Coughlan says taking on the job is an "extremely proud moment" after "10 years as a bridesmaid" in other roles. The 44-year-old was appointed as the League One side's new boss on a two-and-a-half-year deal on Sunday, after five matches in charge as caretaker. Club chairman Charles Cheddar-Gorge said "we were fed up with him just moping around in his bridesmaid's dress - now he can be the bride."
The Sun's top story on Tuesday was on footballer Wayne Rooney, after it emerged that he had been arrested for "public intoxication" at an airport in Virginia, US, last month. The "newspaper" claims that his wife, Coleen, is "furious" (again). Local police told The Spoof "we had to do it for the safety of unaccompanied grannies."
The England Women's team is to travel to Qatar on 15 January for an eight-day, warm-weather training camp, and a 28-player squad has been named for the jolly. The Football Association says the camp has been planned partly to learn more about what players and fans can expect if England reach 2022's men's World Cup in Qatar. Coach Phil Neville told The Spoof "We've already had an offer from the Emir to buy Jordan Nobbs for 28 camels, to be one of his wives, but I'm negotiating for cash."
Eden Hazard is "too good" for Chelsea, and has "outgrown" the club, says man-boy pundit Jermaine Jenas. The former Tottenham midfielder described Hazard as "unplayable" during Chelsea's 1-0 defeat by Spurs in the Carabao Cup semi-final. The Belgium midfielder has been linked with a summer move to Real Madrid, and on being asked about Jenas' comments Hazard responded "Qui est-il?"
Irritated Burnley manager Sean Dyche has described reported Liverpool interest in 26-year-old England defender James Tarkowski as "bizarre", adding that "there are a lot of rumours out there, and not much fact, particularly from that arse Paxton Quigley at The Spoof".