Sarah Palin Drops Organic Food Diet
"I know it's supposed to be better for you but I get so tired of calves liver and chicken hearts."
A New Scientific Discovery
Scientists have discovered that wine will not make you fat, but it will make you lean... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
written by IN SEINE, 09 March 2012
California man accused of trying to sell fake wine!
"Itsh the real stuff I sware! Only been processed once..through me!"
92-year-old farmer chases off three thieves at gunpoint!
"Thieves? I thought they were traveling salesmen after my 72-year-old daughter, Piggotella!"
New Support Group for People with Antisocial Behaviour Disorder
A new support group has opened in Tottenham, after the riots to help those with Antisocial Behaviour Disorder - of course, they have never met!
written by IN SEINE, 09 March 2012
Alabama Commits To Romney, Paul, Santorum
Any of the white ones is good enough for us!
Alaska Changes State Motto
"Alaska: Colder Than A Well-Diggers Ass But Ten Times Prettier!"
Sarah Palin Needs A Road Map
Quick, Sarah Palin needs a road map to find her way to the end of one of her own sentences.
written by K.C. Bell, 09 March 2012
Limbaugh's Mouth In Trouble Again
This week a Chicken McNugget that looked like George Washington was sold on eBay for $8,000 but then the buyer backed out. During the ensuing argument, Rush Limbaugh ate it.
Dog People vs. Cat People: What Pet Preference Says About You!
Well, for one thing, we cat people could care less what you dog people have to say. Nap Time!
Coalition could scrap 50p tax rate for 'mansion tax'
Well if it does happen, you know what will happen, all the billionaires will sell their mansions, change their names and join the waiting list for council housing in my borough. Probably.
Lawyer: Prosecute Rush Limbaugh for Defamation
Lawyers To Palin, Bachmann: Prosecute Late Night News, Saturday Night Live for Defamation!
Obama Hails Another Month of Job Growth, Says Nation Must Keep Its 'Economic Engine Churning'. Unemployed millions ask, "What country are you in, Man?"
Woman Sells 'George Washington' Chicken McNugget for $8K
$8k for a single chicken McNugget??!!
I bet she regrets eating the ones that looked like Abe Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and JFK now...
Fla. Law 1st to Randomly Drug-Test State Workers
To see if they are awake or have died while propped up on their shovels.
Hawaii Apologizes to Tourists Booted From Airport
"They should have been allowed to leave peacefully and in order", says official. "Sometimes these security guards get kick-happy!"
Lawyers Says KS Doctor Will Fight Murder Charges
"I'll clear myself if I have to top everybody in the courtroom!"
Harold Camping: End of World Was Mistake
Nearly one hundred percent of those polled agree with him. Actually, everyone but two old winos sleeping on park benches in Washington Square who say they don't get around much.
BBC Breakfast Presenter Caught Sleeping On His Desk
As punishment, BBC bosses are making him watch Daybreak for a whole week (doubling the audience?)
Moderate Earthquake Hits Northeastern Japan
Most injuries and damages were fair-to-middling", says reporter.
Strawberry Growers Worried About Big Harvest
However, spider growers in Wagga Wagga, Australia expecting a bumper crop!
Camping: End of World Was 'Mistake'
"I forgot to carry my one."
Putin Trying To Quit Smoking
Newly re-elected Russian Prime Minister Putin is trying to quit smoking, according to reports. "I do not want to be known in history as Vladimir The Inhaler!"
More On Sir Paul's White House Visit Last Year
For the first time it was revealed today that besides singing "Michelle" to the first lady, Sir Paul McCartney sang "Ebony & Ivory" to Obama and VP Biden.
Supports President Obama
Joe Biden told reporters today that he supports President Obama 100%. Reporters respond with: "And who are you, Sir?"
Puma captured and returned to zoo in Venezuela!
Actually, he turns himself in, saying that "it's a jungle out there."
US Gov't says unemployment still at 8.3%!
Of course, that only includes the ones who are still looking and not the 10% that gave up last year!
Bay of Biscay Basques swallow up a bunch of "United Tiddlers"!
Basques crossed The Bay of Biscay, entered Manchester and devoured a bunch of headless "European Tiddlers", it was as if United disappeared down the throat of the deadly "Biscayan Triangle"!
written by Jaggedone, 09 March 2012
Part time PM 'Do-Nothing-Dave' vows to 'speed up' the adoption system....considering buy one get one free are we Dave?
"Keep rollin', rollin' rollin'........."
Nick 'Clegghorn' Foghorn' appeals to frustrated Liberal Democrat activists to 'move on' from damaging rows over NHS and student fee's...if I were you Nick I'd head 'em up and move 'em out partner!
Costa packet senor.
The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) commenting on the cost of upcoming Olympics circus do not want the Olympic Stadium' ending up as a 'white' Elephant..highly unlikely considering it's in Stratford!!
Madoff Wants Out!
Bernie Madoff stated that he should be released from prison. "I know I screwed over a lot of people but surely that's all evened out by now."
Seychelles athlete Gaylord Silly trends on twitter
Honestly! Get a grip people, it's not as if he's called Silly Gaylord!
Ofcom to investigate if BSkyB is 'fit and proper'
This is a chance for Murdoch to be 'fitted up - good and proper'
China Rumored To Be Cooking Dunkin Doughnuts In Pure Fat!
Thousands of Americans immediately change vacation plans to include China.
German paper banishes front-page topless models!
Hint: Look on the inside of the last page.
HIV infection rates lower in high treatment areas according to study
Infection rates are also higher is low treated areas. Researchers ask for more funds to study this phenomenon!
Romney heads South into evangelical states!
"Too late Mr. Romney! Jeremy Wright done come down here and told us all, you is a heathern!"
Filmmaker Cameron plans record 7-mile ocean dive!
BP Oil: "Uh, Mr. Cameron, Sir! As long as you're down there..."
Whitney Houston's death was feared, relative says!
"But not half as feared as my own...Knock on wood! Yeow! Splinter!"
Gaylord Silly breaks Seychelles 800m record...
At the World indoor athletics Championship in Istanbul.
Tokyo Sexwale and Goodluck Jonathan have sent their congratulations.
U.S. troops gone, al Qaeda makes Iraq peace elusive!
Well, we did the best we could, right George? Right Barack?
Payrolls up solidly, jobless rate at 8.3 percent!
Government propaganda at record levels!
Anti-government, hate groups growing according to report!
Especially in Iraq, Syria, Libya, Egypt, Yemen, Afghanistan, etc. etc.
Banks foreclosing on churches in record numbers!
Banks beginning to find vaults empty, cash eaten by locusts!
Barclays chief Bob Diamond takes home £17million in pay, shares and perks
And to repeat news from the end of last week, Barclays is the UK's most complained about bank...
Did jealous wife and deputy betray bin Laden?
Did legless sheik have a mighty third leg? Turn in tomorrow to "As The Turban Turns".
Greece ready for next bailout after bond swap!
"I thought we just did that", says German Chancellor Merkel.
Itsy Has A Lot Of Cousins
Thousands of Itsy Bitsy spiders blanket Australian farm after escaping flood, water spout.
REPORT: Bin Laden saw death as release!
Muslim Cleric reveals private talk with Bin Laden after 12th wife showed up with her brats.
Greece debt crisis latest
French President Nicolas Sarkozy says the problem of Greece's debt crisis has been solved and "a page in the financial crisis is turning"
A page is turning - but how many pages in this book exactly?
Illegal allowed to keep $700k in winnings!
Although it was three million before all the payoffs!
PUTIN POWER: Russia jails female punk band!
"We don't need anymore punks out in the public", says Putin. "They will stay in jail and drink their tea."
Israel Requests "Bunker Busters"
Most Israelis say they are sick and tired of Archie's anti-Jewish remarks on all those reruns of 'All In The Family'.
Apple cancel press conference for new product launch
Must be the Shypad.
Joe the Plumber's full septic tank explodes
Samuel Wurzelbacher, known as Joe the Plumber, felt backed into a corner when a CNN reporter posed questions about his comments regarding homosexuals. His septic tank full, it exploded all over him.
written by Lyndon, 09 March 2012
Europa League: Man United 2 Athletic Bilbao 3
Summary: Manchester United less athletic.
Athletic Bilbao more athletic.
Singer PJ Proby accused of claiming £47,000 bogus benefits!
The court was told the 1960s star failed to declare earnings, savings and royalties while wrongly receiving benefits.
Maybe he should rerecord his hit from 1965, 'I Apologise'?"
written by Inchcock, 09 March 2012
Tony Blair's advice to Ed Miliband - "Just be yourself"
"As opposed to who?"
written by Inchcock, 09 March 2012
Environmentalists say that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the planet!
I'm sorry, that should have been "Guy caught in Central Park says that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the planet!"
Senate blocks bid to speed up pipeline approval!
President Obama: Let them pay for their gas guzzlers!
Syria deputy oil minister defects, video claims!
He apparently escaped in an oil barrel!
White House Spokesman Does Hava Nagila
The White House tap dances around reports that the Israeli PM asked for weapons to use against Iran.