New German President Elected
Gauck ...pardon me...Gauck..I did it again didn't I? New German President Elected! What's his first name?
Youth Finally Listening
New tobacco ads against smoking that show smokers who developed cancer of the penis seem to be working.
National Guard deployment on U.S.-Mexico border has nuclear results !
I'm sorry, that should read: National Guard deployment on U.S.-Mexico border has "unclear" results !
Mexico Police Find 10 Heads Outside Bloody Slaughterhouse!
Officer to Inspector: "I wonder why they placed them there?"
Blonde, Top-Heavy Secretary Late Again!
Boss: "Listen close, Bamba, this is the last 57th time I'm going to tell you...."
Hare today, gone tomorrow
Members of the elite Granny Vigilante Group have claimed responsibility for a hit and run accident involving a hare. They insist that the hare was a clear and present danger to the public at large.
written by whatinthe world, 18 March 2012
Clinton Dodging Publicity
New Monica Lewinsky book, "The Summer of the Hummer" got Bill Clinton rattled.
Kate Winslet And Leonardo DiCaprio To Reunite For New QE2 Movie
'It will be twice as good as Titanic,' said a studio spokesman. 'On her maiden voyage, the QE2 also sailed from Southampton to New York, but didn't sink half way.'
written by Swan Morrison, 18 March 2012
Press Complaints Commission To Investigate Media Coverage Of The Duchess Of Cambridge
'We have had many complaints,' said a spokesman, 'about the unrelenting, sickeningly fawning and sycophantic coverage of everything she does. We will be exploring why the media are digging no dirt.'
written by Swan Morrison, 18 March 2012
WWII-Era Bomb Discovered in France!
Old guy in nut house: "I tried to tell them! Sent me here in 1967."
U.S. Could Declare Martial Law!
Obama rewrites instances for declaration for "Martial Law" in case of terrorist invasion, disasters from space, Republican elected to White House.
Learn Something New Every Day!
St. Patrick's Day turns violent in Ontario as thousands of Irish demand their own country.
Down At Joe's Bar
Guy who came into bar with pink flamingo shirt instantly placed on Shit List!
McDonald's May Change Item's Name
Consumer group wants McDonald's to change name of McRib to McFib as there is no rib meat in them.
Hemorrhoid On The Way?
Cracked scientist says a Giant Hemorrhoid could wipe out our asses at any time!
Afghanis: Leave Our Land!
Afghanis ask United Nations to leave their land and take their devil cellphones with them!
U.S. Condemned By Amnesty International
Amnesty International demands that Guantanamo prisoner's sheets be turned down and a mint be placed on their pillows at night.
Just Didn't Give A S*it!
"Suppository Bomber" blows out plane's bathroom door but the plane lands safely in Atlanta. Plane has to be cleaned thoroughly because of scared occupants and no bathroom.
Japanese May Sue China
Japanese government demands that China quit making knock-off cars that have "Totoya" on them.
Obama Coming To Kentucky
President Obama said he will be going to a new factory in Kentucky where all products will have a label "Made In The USA". Of course, the product was made in China but the tags sewn on were made here.
Superstud Jocko Besne dies leaving as many as 400,000 mouths to feed
The 3rd most potent bull in history, Jocko Besne, has died leaving the social services of countries all over the world to support the some 400,000 children Besne had fathered since 1994. Typical male.
written by Lyndon, 18 March 2012
Colombian Mechanic Crowned As Obama Lookalike!
Disqualified a few hours later with discovery that he is one of Obama's 1200-plus cousins.
Arkansas to name Bill AND Hillary Clinton Airport!
But most residence will still call it it's old name for 50 years, "Razerback Hog".
Ooodles of Dooodles
Margaret Thatcher kept Doodles by Ronald Reagan...so where else did you think she got all her speeches from?
On the Button
Button wins Australian Grand Prix....not bad for a 109 year old man...well done Benjamin.
Scraping the proverbial!
Geore 'Abacus' Osborne plans to scrap national pay rates for public sector workers...keep banging those nails in Ozzie...the Tory 'coffin' is nearly completed!
French President Nicolas Sarkozy says his youngest son was out of line when he and friends pelted a policewoman with "vegetables".
Filmmaker of 'Invisible Children' arrested for naked meltdown!
Apparently he thought he was invisible also.
Breast-feeding passenger settles airline lawsuit!
Claims that it wasn't her fault that she was 'gifted' and that men were lined up for bathroom during entire flight.
Hard Habits To Break
Indonesian eight-year-old attempting to kick smoking habit, older women.
Weird weather: heat, twisters, 250K tons of snow!
"Showers of frogs in Massachusetts, heavy fogs in Arizona desert all part of some kind of mumbo-jumbo", according to expert weather forecasters.
Floor of NYC house collapses under party!
Stomp Dance may be made illegal in city, except during parties on the ground floor.
Occupy protest anniversary ends with police sweep!
Leaders object to their use of tear gas spray, broom handles during sweep.
Tribe: Hunting Bald eagle permit a victory for tradition
NRA members hit ancestor searches for any Indian blood in their family history!
Obama seeks halt to tax subsidies for oil industry!
Oil industry: We'll see your losing tax subsidies and raise your gas prices another $1 to $6 per gallon! We think we have the winning hand.
Faulty GPS System?
GPS Tracking Disaster: Japanese Tourists Drive Straight into the Pacific! Later it was learned that a GPS for boats had been installed by mistake.
Dozens arrested at Occupy's 6-month anniversary rally!
Meanwhile dozens of eggs were injured while being thrown at police officers.
Inmates at a women's prison take part in a beauty contest"
Inmates at a women's prison in Siberia have taken part in a beauty contest to mark International Women's Day.
"The losers can claim daylight robbery? Or, it was murder!"
Boy, 8, takes 5-year-old sister on joyride
Police say an 8-year-old boy took his 5-year-old sister on a middle of the night drive and crashed the family van.
"Dad wasn't too worried about the van or kids - but the cost of the petrol!"
Milibands Office Burgled!
Luckily there were no policies there for them to steal!