Deaf Student Signs To Obama: 'I Am Proud Of You.'
Obama signs back: "Can't climb a cactus buck naked!"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Obama campaign allows media to use 'Obamacare'!
Most respond with "After three and a half years, you just now notice?"
MSNBC: "We prefer to call it 'The Obama Blessing'."
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Jessica Simpson Magazine Cover Censored at an Arizona Safeway
A Safeway spokeswoman said, " When our customers check out their Ho-ho's, chicken wings, pigs feet and squirrel stew, the last thing they want to see is a bar code sticking out of Simpson's butt."
written by JAB, 23 March 2012
Photos: NASA releases new moon pics requested by students! #2
"Kids, kids. You have to go outside more often", says NASA spokesman!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Romney's diagnosis: 'Obamacare' is sick!
"And Joe Biden's 'Etch-A-Sketch joking' is as childlike as usual! Now you know why the US is in the mess it's in!"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Nastalga At National Geography
The National Geographic has agreed to do it's first naked pigmy fold-out in 30-years after calls from hundreds of 50-year-old nerds.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Stick Man Out There Somewhere
Police in Alvaton, Kentucky are looking for a stick man after police sketch artist drew him from descriptions by three kids who had been offered candy.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Another Hurting Business
A party balloon delivery service has had to change it's deliveries because of the high prices of gas. Now they are delivering them, along with flowers, by guy in lawn chain beneath helium balloons.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Detroit Police Update!
A spokesman for the Detroit Police Dept. says that "Sorry, is no longer cutting it." "In the past six months, it's been replaced by chainsaws", says Sgt Leo Leatherface.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Last Night Tour of New Orleans
The "2AM Ghost In The Cemeteries Walking Tours" have been canceled after 16 people missing, 11 new stiff-walkers replacing them in first outing.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Another Chinese Food Recall
This time it's "Yan's Cream of Chicken Flu Soup"!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Whispering, shifting sands.
UK to be as hot as the Sahara this weekend....looks like I'll have to dust the camel off then!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 23 March 2012
Bank of America to Offer Rentals as Foreclosure Alternative!
Many wondering: If you can't afford payment, how do you afford rent at near same price?
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Kitted out!
Olympic kit designed by a sheila who looks like she gets dressed in the dark...says it all!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 23 March 2012
Memory Competition Being Held in NYC !
Or is it Los Angeles? Las Vegas? Anyway, don't forget to arrive early!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Trapped in an art display
Michael Moonbeam of Bradford was rescued from between two plastic llamas that formed the heart of a new art-display in Bradford town centre. "He'd been llamanated," said one rescuer.
written by IainB, 23 March 2012
"Not My Fault!" #564
Pipeline To Nowhere: Obama plan would leave 1,179-mile gap between oil source, pipeline.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Eating chia seeds improved the sex life of US over 85 year-olds!
The latest craze to rock Europe and the UK, chia seeds, enhanced the sex lives of over 85 year-olds in the US. After eating them there have been reports of nightly, wild sex orgies in US OAP homes!
written by unknown
Gov't to keep info on Americans with no terror ties!
Just in case you forget who to vote for!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
New layout for Maths GCSE papers
It is widely held that all the best maths proofs have been scribbled in the margins of notebooks. For this reason, all GCSE Maths answer papers will now have an extra wide margin for the answers.
written by IainB, 23 March 2012
Boy with doped goat can compete in Colo. fair!
"Not the boy's fault that his goat is a junkie", rules judge!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
NASA releases new moon pics requested by students!
"I think they now believe that we actually did have men on the moon at one time", says teacher.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Space probe finds a water ocean on Saturn's moon!
And get this, there's no charge for parking right up close!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Documents show NYPD infiltrated liberal groups!
Somehow I thought the NYPD WAS a liberal group!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
New Jersey middle school bans hugging!
Any ruling yet on that "sex in the back of the room", thing?
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Syria's stylish first lady's shopping sprees now hit by sanctions!
Boy, if he thinks he's had it rough before, wait until 'dictator' spouse gets home!
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Santorum blasts Romney, says Obama better than Etch A Sketch!
But he's certainly not better than Legos. "Like lego of the White House!"
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Florida town protests killing teen by neighborhood watchman!
Is anybody watching the Watchmen? Sounds like vigilantes.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
Public schools concerned that they may no longer serve "pink slime" beef for lunch
Public school cafeterias, long known for serving various shades of slop, are worried that the recent bad press given to beef with pink slime will reduce their menu offerings by 89%.
written by Lyndon, 23 March 2012
Speaking Clock Phone Hacking Investigated
Police are investigating suspicions that the speaking clock has been hacked - how did Rebekah Brooks know what the time was?
written by flustercluck, 23 March 2012
Chancellor Reveals Next Phase In Plans To Deflect Attention From Cuts By Turning People Against Each Other
'We've demonised bankers, the rich and public sector workers,' George Osborne told reporters. 'It's time we encouraged the public to resent those evil, money grabbing pensioners!'
written by Swan Morrison, 23 March 2012
Woman still collecting food stamps after winning $1 million
Amanda Clayton: I took the $1m in a lump sump, meaning half went to taxes. "I feel that it's OK because, I have no income and I have bills to pay," she said. "I have two houses."
"Bless her!"
written by Inchcock, 23 March 2012
Cracker Bruce,
Whitney Houston 'drowned with cocaine in her system'....no shit man, that really cracks me up!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 23 March 2012
Chino Beef & Pink Slime verses VEGANS ?
Remember the old Chino Stcockyards"If a cattle prod dont work a fork lift shure will"wheres the beef for our hungry went pork belly up?Well leave it to Beaver and those VEGANS to FOWL up a Jumbo Jack?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 23 March 2012
Sanitarium Says Vote For BO instead of Romney
In todays news next to PINK SLIME Rick Sanitarium to Nurse Ratchette tells his fellow phsych ward gambling bathroom buddies to vote for Obama rather than Mitt Romeny? My demand "I want my cigarettes?"
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 23 March 2012
CNN producer third person this year to win Georgia lottery for second time!
"Something not right here - were politicians involved somewhere along the line?"
written by Inchcock, 23 March 2012
Whitney Houston's daughter hears mum talk to her!
"Still promoting her records I guess!"
written by Inchcock, 23 March 2012
Bulgaria Customs seizes snakes, & crocodiles!
Bulgarian customs officials seized a large number of live reptiles, insects and crabs - some of them dangerous - stashed in suitcases in a bus travelling from the Czech Republic!
"For Pet's or food?"
written by Inchcock, 23 March 2012
New Bestsellers For Those With Even Lower Self-Esteem!
"You Big Fat-Headed Moron" Books outselling both 'Dummies' and "Complete Idiot's Guide To" books put together.
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
A Political History Lesson
LONE RANGER: What caused the ancient liberals to go extinct? TONTO: They ran out of other people's tax money to spend (thank you Margaret)!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
The King's New Clothes
Michelle Obama complains that whenever the president returns from a campaign trip all his pants are singed from having been on fire!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Exploiting a Tragedy
The Reverend Al Sharpton (Democratic left wing Rush Limbaugh) is sticking his nose in the tragic Florida shooting case. Al hasn't had any publicity lately and needs the headlines to raise money.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Advice from the US Attorney General
Eric Holder tells the American people to be like President Obama, ignore the laws you don't like, e.g. US Constitutional provisions, illegal immigration and whatever gets in your way!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Who Needs Math and Physics?
President Obama touts replacing a 600 megawatt coal fired power plant with a 48 megawatt solar power plant that works only during the day!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
PETA Member Sues Circus Elephant
A PETA member has brought a lawsuit against a circus elephant that broke her foot while she was picketing for animal rights. The elephant dropped a 100 pound turd on the lady's foot!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Newton's Fourth Law of Physics
Never put an academic PHD ivory tower type in charge of the Department of Energy (DOE) if you want something to get implemented in the real world.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Bureaucratic Arrogance
The Supreme Court ruled nine to zero in favor of a couple the EPA said was building a house on a wetland. The EPA indicated they had to study it some more, rather than say they were sorry!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Republican Gift Package to Democrats
Republicans will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if former Senator Santorum is their presidential nominee, as Independents and women will vote Democratic or stay home.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Mouth Full of Feet
WH Press Secretary Carney flinched at VP Biden's comment that the plan to kill bin Laden was the "most audacious plan" in 500 years. The VP never heard of General Eisenhower and Operation Overlord!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Obama Doesn't Get It
Americans don't worry about an NASA found asteroid hitting the Earth in 2036. Americans worry about the current price of gasoline and how it affects their everyday lives!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Divided Government
FDA: Smoking cigarettes, bad, bad! IRS: Cigarette tax revenue, good, good! DOJ: Banning cigarettes creates black market, worse, worse!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
They Could Work for a Living
Rabid environmentalists, animal rights activists and biodiversity groups are upset with the Universe about the 20,000 year cycle of almost total extinction of life on Earth!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Real News Snippet
TSA searches toddler in wheelchair for explosives.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Responsibility for High Energy Prices
President Obama with his three stooges Energy Secretary Chu, Interior Secretary Salazar and EPA Administrator Jackson will never work again, when Republicans control Washington DC!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Peace with the Palestinians is an Oxymoron
Palestinian women working at the UN lies about her daughter being hurt in the latest Israel-Gaza fighting, when the daughter was actually injured in a car accident four years ago!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
No Gay Divorcee
States that don't recognize same-sex marriage also don't recognize same-sex divorce of same-sex couples married in other states. Sorry about that, but you two are together for eternity!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Why There was no Liberal-Age
CONSERVATIVE CAVEMAN: Don't eat that Mushroom! LIBERAL CAVEMAN: What do you know? Yum-yum! AGH, Thud. CONSERVATIVE CAVEMAN: They just never listen to any historical advice!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Aristotle Would be Going Insane
Inner city Chicago Democratic state lawmakers want to tax the ammunition of legally licensed Illinois gun owners to pay for the trauma caused by illegal inner city gun crimes. You may scream now!!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Special Design for Environmentalists
Rabid environmentalists demand a male condom that degrades like a plastic water bottle after use. A manufacturer has designed a degradable condom for them that can also be used as a water bottle.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Obama's Socialist Religion Abhors Private Enterprise
The US recovery is on its way due to gas/oil drilling on state and private land. President Obama has eight federal agencies trying to figure out how to tax, regulate and derail this enterprise!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
"Lucy Splain Me!"
Muslims go berserk in Afghanistan over the burning of a Koran. Syrian (Muslim) troops fire artillery/tank rounds killing 7,500 unarmed Muslim women & children, without other Arabs coming to their aid!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
US Constitutional Government Principles
Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) believes in popular sovereignty, limited government, separation of powers, checks and balances, judicial review, and federalism. Too bad Mr. Paul has no clue about foreign policy!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
No Language Problem
Puerto Rico tells Republican presidential candidate Santorum to press 1 if he wants English!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
President Obama not to Seek Reelection in 2012
VP Biden to head the Democratic ticket and Maryland's governor to be his VP designate. Biden will still have a foot in his mouth, but the new VP will now have his hand in federal taxpayer's pockets.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
Panetta for President
President Obama was reluctant to send the SEALS into Pakistan after Osama bin Laden, but CIA Chief Leon Panetta was persuasive. The Republican Party wants Panetta to be their presidential candidate!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 March 2012
No Bigfoot!
Police say that the spotting of a Bigfoot yesterday near a gold course turned out to be Barry Bonds. "He's now about eight-foot tall and over 400 pounds. He's knocked his golf ball into the woods."
written by Bureau, 23 March 2012
