Census documenting Great Depression to be released #2
Average household in Virginia had mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, four boys, five girls and one idiot in the shed. Mickey Rooney turned down this role on "The Waltons!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Census documenting Great Depression to be released!
90% were married. Sex was only thing free. Average condom used 50 times.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Madoof Having It Rough?
Country relative went to see Bernie Madoff in prison told reporters that he looked tired. "I'd say he was plumb puckered out!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Tebow to join Colts, to go at least 3-13
Tim Tebow-Time Tebow has accepted a trade to the Indianappolis Colts, a team that could've barely beaten a high school squad. Brady Quinn will back him up while doubling as a commentator for ND games.
written by Lyndon, 19 March 2012
"Then there was that time I had to eat my own toes!"
Retired career military man in Florida accused of talking retirees to death. Reporter sent for story never returned. Newspaper editor says he tried to warn him.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
And Another One Bites the Dust!
Still another Greatest Generation WWII veteran dies while puny, sniveling little worms like pansy protesters still alive! Where's the next Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH Unit! I ask you?
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Obama Looking For Free Time On The Air
President to give interview to all three major networks at same time on Evening News. Turns down FOX which wanted to rub his head for luck!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
East Kentucky family skin and eat zombie!
"We throwed away the brains but the oysters were the best I ever et!" "OYSTERS, MUST FIND OYSTERS!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
"A Monumental Find!"
Historians call it a "monumental find" as black box from Wright Brothers first flight found.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Solar company gets subsidy for selling solar panels -- to itself!
President Obama calls it innovative! Example of green energy.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Mike Daisey Admits Stretching The Truth
Mike Daisey admitted last week that part of his "This American Life" story about Apple's use of Chinese sweatshops was fabricated. Also, all that crap about all my lovers!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Romney ahead in Illinois!
So it looks like the Mormon Versus the Black in November. KKK members don't know whether to shit or go blind.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Lawyer describes talk with Afghan killings suspect!
He seemed rational, subdued right up until he tried to kill me.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Russian troops roll into Syria to support Assad!
Also Putin signals to Obama, Cameron: Kiss My Pooter!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Eyes down of March
BREAKING NEWS:
Sales of vaseline and KY Jelly are through the roof as the entire country bends over and waits to get screwed by George Osbornes budget on Wednesday!!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 19 March 2012
Mickey Dolenz Remembers Davy Jones
Asked how he would always remember his fellow Monkee, Davy Jones, Mickey Dolenz tearfully told a reporter:"Just lying there in his coffin with that silly grin on his face."
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Fred Karger for president: Paul topped by unknown in Puerto Rico
Actually, he also came in behind write-in "Roberto Clemente", late baseball star player for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Mr. Universe Credits Happiness For Long Life!
Mr. Universe 1952 turns 100, credits healthy lifestyle, happiness, 1952 misprint.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Obama Fundraising $45 Million In February!
"That, and a bologna sandwich will get you a bologna sandwich", says Romney.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Louisville Mexican Restaurant Burns
Fire department blames fire on tripped up waiter carrying Sizzling Fajita Platter! Everyone escapes unhurt except guy with head and lap burns.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Latest Consumer News
China has announced the recall of over 100,000 X-Ray Glasses and 50,000 "Sure-Fire Roach Killer" consisting of 2 small wooden blocks.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
I Demand A Rematch!
Drunk in Montgomery, Alabama still blaming "Yankees and General Grant" for all his problems.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Drug Lord Mistrail
A Drug Lord in Mexico will have to be tried again later as this one was declared "A Headless Jury"!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Wall Street Occupiers Are Back!
Protesters blocking traffic. Confused analyst calls it a "Beer Market!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Peyton Manning To Denver?
Apparently Peyton Manning is signing with Denver. It must be true. The Titans are pissed. He's not welcome at the Grand Ole Opry or Dollywood anymore!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Ed Miliband abducted by a Rolls Royce!
Ed Miliband, staunch socialist and NHS supporter, has been abducted by a "Phantom" Rolls Royce! He was last seen pissed out of his brains at Hull City FC sitting next to some very rich aliens!
written by unknown
Fly-tipping finally a crime in its own right
The ConDems have succumbed to pressure to name fly-tipping as a crime in its own right. "Finally I can stand on a windowsill without worrying," said one bluebottle.
written by IainB, 19 March 2012
Romney wins Puerto Rico, thereby perpetuating the idea that P.R. is a state
Mitt Romney played a part in making those Americans who believe there are 51 states look silly. And with a minimum wage of $4.10 per hour, Romney is hoping America welcomes Puerto Rico into the fold.
written by Lyndon, 19 March 2012
Former President Bush Adds His Two Cents
"I'm not all that sure about any of the GOP candidates. They tell me it's between the Moron and the one from the Sanitarium".
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Oil Prices Fall Below $107 Per Barrel in Asia
But most drivers say that's too far to go for a fill-up.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
London games organizers unveil Olympic torch route
Will avoid area affected by the Great Fire of London!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Study of 'meth babies' finds behavior problems!
"We think their condition comes from the fact that their parents took meth", claims expert.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Red Bull Really Does Give You Wings!
Creator of the caffeine-fueled energy drink found dead. Will Red Bull manage to revive him?
written by Maxwell House, 19 March 2012
Billionaire who created RED BULL -- dies at 89!
Burial put off until he quits kicking and jerking!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Cameron's table tennis table gift to Obama -- made in China!
President & First Lady's grill gift to Cameron...made in China.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
MRS. ASSAD: I Am The Real Dictator In This Family
ASSAD: You hear that? She's the one you protesters should be trying to kill!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Older home care is topic at NH House and Barn Expo!
"You should be able to get up to 50 beds in these barns", claims one salesman.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Apple to decide on its $98 billion cash pile!
President Obama, all GOP candidates suddenly having photos of them using Apple products.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Bad year for allergy sufferers predicted!
Wheeeeze! Mostly because of no winter. Snort! Sniff! Very early Spring-Achoo!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Amid sabre-rattling, Israelis and Iranians reach out via Facebook!
Especially via Facebook's "Words With Friends!".
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Why Europe's long vacations may make economic sense!
First of all, it allows more people to be employed for the six months off!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
UPS to buy TNT Express for $6.77 billion!
"It's a risk, purchasing TNT Express", says CEO. "The whole thing could blow up in our face!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Omar Sharif Jr. comes out as gay, half-Jewish!
With some cannibalistic tendency. Otherwise, a sweet little person.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Romney easily wins Puerto Rico's Republican primary!
Santorum credits: Millions of Mormon Puerto Ricans!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Looking At Both Sides
Money, career woes, bad toenail fungus plagued Afghan killings suspect.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Swimsuit model accused of heading drug ring captured
Placed in police line-up with other swimsuit models.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2012
Civil servants in poorer regions 'to be paid less'
Here's a thought. Why don't we move Parliament out of London to a poorer region and pay our MP's less?
written by radiogagger, 19 March 2012
The Tarmac Kid
Holy toadstools Batman...Tory boy Do-Nothing-Dave is considering 'privatising' UK roads....must has scored a new supply of 'waccy baccy' off bro' Obama while in USA!!!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 19 March 2012
Man Held By Dorking Police
"I'm completely innocent!" he said last night. "I've never dorked in my life!"
written by Danny Soz, 19 March 2012
$38.5 million lotto winner cheated co-workers out of jackpot!
"Ideal candidate for Prime Minister or President here!"
written by Inchcock, 19 March 2012
Urology practice offers free pizza with vasectomy
An administrator with Urology Associates of Cape Cod says it's a lighthearted way to raise awareness about the procedure and drum up business.
"Better than offering a free Hot Dog?"
written by Inchcock, 19 March 2012
