Spoof news snippets from March 2012

Photos: NASA releases new moon pics requested by students! #2

"Kids, kids. You have to go outside more often", says NASA spokesman!

Stick Man Out There Somewhere

Police in Alvaton, Kentucky are looking for a stick man after police sketch artist drew him from descriptions by three kids who had been offered candy.

Another Chinese Food Recall

This time it's "Yan's Cream of Chicken Flu Soup"!

Sarah Palin Needs A Road Map

Quick, Sarah Palin needs a road map to find her way to the end of one of her own sentences.

NASA releases new moon pics requested by students!

"I think they now believe that we actually did have men on the moon at one time", says teacher.

Another Hurting Business

A party balloon delivery service has had to change it's deliveries because of the high prices of gas. Now they are delivering them, along with flowers, by guy in lawn chain beneath helium balloons.

WWII-Era Bomb Discovered in France!

Old guy in nut house: "I tried to tell them! Sent me here in 1967."

Memory Competition Being Held in NYC !

Or is it Los Angeles? Las Vegas? Anyway, don't forget to arrive early!

Google may have nuclear capabilities warns Microsoft.

Software giants Microsoft yesterday accused Google of having nuclear capabilities, a spokesmen from Google laughed and said "that's rubbish" and agreed to let weapon inspectors into googles offices.

New Jersey middle school bans hugging!

Any ruling yet on that "sex in the back of the room", thing?

"A Monumental Find!"

Historians call it a "monumental find" as black box from Wright Brothers first flight found.

Deaf Student Signs To Obama: 'I Am Proud Of You.'

Obama signs back: "Can't climb a cactus buck naked!"

French Strike Continues

Nationwide Mime strike continues in Paris for the 22nd week as talks once again break down.

Do Record High Temps Mean a Scorching Summer is Ahead?

Weather experts and long range studies indicate a definite "Maybe!" Whatever would we do without the dedicated men and women?

Mr. Universe Credits Happiness For Long Life!

Mr. Universe 1952 turns 100, credits healthy lifestyle, happiness, 1952 misprint.

Volkswagen adding 800 jobs at Tennessee Pissant plant

I'm sorry, that should have been: Volkswagen adding 800 jobs at Tennessee Passat plant!

Big Delay before Toulouse Jihadist Was Killed

There was quite a delay before the Jihadist was shot dead. The gendarmerie were given extra time to find 72 virgins for him - they could only find 69 in the whole of France. The remaining 3 were substituted by goats.

Space probe finds a water ocean on Saturn's moon!

And get this, there's no charge for parking right up close!

McDonald's May Change Item's Name

Consumer group wants McDonald's to change name of McRib to McFib as there is no rib meat in them.

Starbucks now ask for your name when you order so they can write it on your cup and call it out when it's ready.

When I order my usual Latte I tell the barista my name is Mocha. Mocha Macchiato.

Oil Prices Fall Below $107 Per Barrel in Asia

But most drivers say that's too far to go for a fill-up.

LA City Council Considers Barring Radio Hosts From 'Racist, Sexist' Comments!

How about "Movies" guys? How about Movies? How about Stand-Up comics, etc? Just the "Radio"?

Law firm fires 14 employees for wearing orange shirts!

Boss: I am a loyal University of Alabama fan and will not tolerate these Tennessee Big Orange supporters. Do you see me wearing crimson & white?

Rihanna denies relationship with Ashton Kutcher

'I just visited his bachelor pad at midnight (and left at 4am) to borrow an umber-rella ella ella...'

Home resales fall in February, inventories rise

Amazing as that my seem. Someone call Ripleys !

Just wait and see what iPhone 6 contains!

REPORT: iPhone 5 to feature bigger screen, retina display, magic fingers for back, x-ray glasses attachment.

All Sluts are not Created Equal

Laura Ingraham is a "right - wing slut according to MSNBC's Ed Schultz." Ms. Ingraham is still waiting for President Obama's call.

No Bigfoot!

Police say that the spotting of a Bigfoot yesterday near a gold course turned out to be Barry Bonds. "He's now about eight-foot tall and over 400 pounds. He's knocked his golf ball into the woods."

Bank of America to Offer Rentals as Foreclosure Alternative!

Many wondering: If you can't afford payment, how do you afford rent at near same price?

The New Space Race Begins

As the Russians plan to reach the sun first, the Irish Space Agency are going to blast off from Cape Killarney, tonight. If the temperatures get too high, the Eireonauts can roll up their sleeves.

Facebook to shut down for 2 hours.

Facebook is to shut down for 2 hours to show its immense power. Facebook owners said "what the hell, we might do it the day after as well"

GPS Tracking Disaster: Japanese Tourists Drive Straight into the Pacific!

"I tell driver, it looks deep", stated student who was riding in the back.

Learn Something New Every Day!

St. Patrick's Day turns violent in Ontario as thousands of Irish demand their own country.

Apple to decide on its $98 billion cash pile!

President Obama, all GOP candidates suddenly having photos of them using Apple products.

Man Quits Job At Helium Balloon Plant

"I wasn't going to have people talking to me like that!" he said last night.

Bill Maher calls Sarah Palin a 'Dumb Twat'

Separated at birth from Limbaugh.

5 million pensioners robbed in budget *

Police are looking (or rather - not looking) for a posh tory boy answers to the name of Gideon.

* Daily Express headline

Pope to Have Own Perfume

The Pope is to have his very own purfume made. Called Achtung! it will smell of cordite & incense to remind the pontiff of good old days when he manned a German anti-aircraft gun in the Hitler Youth.

2 US men arrested on gay cruise in Caribbean!

Following big 'Cat Fight' after wearing the same outfits to social gathering.

Andre Villas-Boas: I will never quit Chelsea

Roman Abramovitch to Bruce Buck: Ok, call security.

Teachers In Trouble Again

Surprise test at nation's middle schools show lack of teacher's keeping kids up to date as nearly 50% of students believe that al-Qaida attacked Pearl Harbor. 10% say Davy Crockett died there.

Hackers claim to have stolen the details of more than 73,000 subscribers to porn site Digital Playground.

The company says that due to concerns about privacy, no new members are being handled at the present time.

Harry Potter star Rupert Grint buys ice cream van.

Magnum! I mean magic!

Bad Headline Number 95:

POLICE SEEK VANDALS FOR GRAFFITI WORK

Bad Headline Number 96:

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR SUICIDE PROGRAM

David Cameron Caught Lying in the Sun

... and The Daily Mirror, The Guardian, The Daily Mail, The Independent, The Times, Private Eye, Manchester DEvening News ...

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 3

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 2

Come Dine with Me Not Shown Tonight

Tonight's episode of 'Come Dine with Me' on Channel 4 will not be transmitted because it featured David Cameron and his wife Sarah. "Of course, we don't do dinner parties for just anyone!" said Dave

Man Born On Leap Day Confident That Will Get Him Laid One Day

"Hey baby, do you like 8-year-olds? Because technically . . . . . No, no that's creepy," said the man, as he continued to ponder the perfect pick-up line.

Cameron's table tennis table gift to Obama -- made in China!

President & First Lady's grill gift to Cameron...made in China.

Cameron Transparent

David Cameron is transparent. You can see right through him.

Three Hour Average Before Cracking!

CD of kids learning to play the bagpipes replacing water boarding at Guantanamo.

Naked Tour de Peru causes traffic chaos!

Tour de France pro-cyclists went to Peru for naked high altitude training, it seems that it's good for hardening bums on saddles. It also caused traffic chaos because crossing llamas spat at them!

Copper thieves showing no favortism!

Vandals Steal Hundreds Of Feet Of Copper Piping From NJ Churches...Kentucky, Tennessee Moonshiners.

CNN producer third person this year to win Georgia lottery for second time!

"Something not right here - were politicians involved somewhere along the line?"

Nastalga At National Geography

The National Geographic has agreed to do it's first naked pigmy fold-out in 30-years after calls from hundreds of 50-year-old nerds.

Obama campaign allows media to use 'Obamacare'!

Most respond with "After three and a half years, you just now notice?"
MSNBC: "We prefer to call it 'The Obama Blessing'."

Terrorist Warning Upped

Suspicious-looking truck ahead with wild-eyed driver has homemade sign, "Howl ist my Driven Hokay?"

Obama Creating Jobs: Wanted Babysitter

President Obama said he "…called Ms. Fluke because I thought about Malia and Sasha."

Etch a Sketch hopes for more gaffes

Etch a Sketch welcomes more gaffes by politicians. Sales have spiked as they did when Rollo in the move Juno said, "That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."

New York cuts pension benefits for public workers Banks hike fees, cut costs to boost profits

Plan to fire one-third of tellers. Replace them with cash out machines similar to those at casinos.

Cops Hyped Up!

New caffeinated doughnuts give you the jitters so bad you burn up the calories from the doughnut. Some police vehicles seen going over 100 MPH while leaving doughnut shop.

Maybe Even Before That

World famous physicist claims that Time Travel may very well be possible in the past one-hundred years.

Shoe Carnival earnings down!

Now they're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The Unbreakable Code

New secret code is practically unbreakable says Pentagon. "We mixed Navajo with Bushisms, that one guy on 'King of the Hill' and Dylan", says CIA official.

Mario Balotelli spotted coming out of strip club at 2.45

Whats the problem? Game doesn't kick off till 3...

* He left club at 2.45am. Game 3pm...

Tourists spent $38 billion in New Jersey last year

Mostly in toll money in order to get to New York City.

Every Little Helps!

In an effort to break through into the disability market, Tesco have introduced the EDIGU dog. A guide dog for dyslexic blind people. Every little helps.

Super Tuesday: Romney wins 6 out of 10 states.

Vladimir Putin won the other 5, but officials suspect more voting fraud.

BBC renamed part of Broadcasting House after John Peel

Called the 'Peel Wing' although 'Reel to Reel Wing' was also considered.

Britain Accuses Martians of Fly Tipping

Home Secretary, William Hague, has accused the Martians of fly tipping after many people on England's West coast reported a UFO falling to earth in flames. The object came from the Mars direction.

Papers reveal Thatcher kept Reagan's drawings from summit!

"Apparently he thought he was well-endowed!" she stated at the time.

Hard Habits To Break

Indonesian eight-year-old attempting to kick smoking habit, older women.

Breast-feeding passenger settles airline lawsuit!

Claims that it wasn't her fault that she was 'gifted' and that men were lined up for bathroom during entire flight.

Obama Coming To Kentucky

President Obama said he will be going to a new factory in Kentucky where all products will have a label "Made In The USA". Of course, the product was made in China but the tags sewn on were made here.

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 1

Afghanis: Leave Our Land!

Afghanis ask United Nations to leave their land and take their devil cellphones with them!

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 4

Clinton Dodging Publicity

New Monica Lewinsky book, "The Summer of the Hummer" got Bill Clinton rattled.

Swimsuit model accused of heading drug ring captured

Placed in police line-up with other swimsuit models.

Former President Bush Adds His Two Cents

"I'm not all that sure about any of the GOP candidates. They tell me it's between the Moron and the one from the Sanitarium".

Teachers to Be Introduced to 3Rs

It is believed that some teachers in the more deprived schools in Great Britain believe that the 3Rs are: ROBBERY, RAPE and RIOTING

A New Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered that wine will not make you fat, but it will make you lean... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Natasha Giggs shortlisted as mum of the year

That was be a really really short list.

Census documenting Great Depression to be released!

90% were married. Sex was only thing free. Average condom used 50 times.

Egypt MP resigns 'after lying about plastic surgery'

Party leaders got suspicious when he came back looking 'extremely like Omar Shariff'

Queen Set To Manage Chelsea

The Queen wants the Chelsea job. The current manager of the Royal family feels she's taken them as far as she can and it's time for a new challenge.

'DWTS' Navratilova to star in movie

In the same genre as the 1992 movie 'White Men Can't Jump", Martina
Navratilova is to star in "Gay Women Can't Dance"

Is President Obama To Blame For Gas?

Who else? He's so full of you-know-what, who else? The Bucket Stops Here!

Hamburger Update

WalMart told reporters today that they have no information about an employee named "Pink Slim" or even Slim Pink.

Man arrested, barred from city bus stops for being 'annoying'!

Al Gore claims that he was only trying to warn everyone about global warming.

Investigation Into Several NCAA Teams Continues

That dark cloud you're seeing hanging over the NCAA basketball coaches is the revelation that several top college players have failed Pig Latin II, yet continue to be allowed to play.

Republican Contest Is 'a Clown Show,' Obama Adviser Says

According to Obama advisor, Ronald McDonald , "Mitt and Rick are just two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun."

Blonde, Top-Heavy Secretary Late Again!

Boss: "Listen close, Bamba, this is the last 57th time I'm going to tell you...."

Saints' head coach Payton suspended for season by NFL for bounties!

He'll have to sit in the locker room and flash orders to assistant coach!

I Demand A Rematch!

Drunk in Montgomery, Alabama still blaming "Yankees and General Grant" for all his problems.

Bilbao 2-United 0, they're sinking fast!

Man United have got caught up in a Biscayan storm and are sinking without trace, let's hope the Wolves don't ravage them on Sunday too!

Inconvenient Photo Taken at Exxon Gas Station Just Outside White House

$5.39 Per Gallon! Probably with that? Take it up with the guy down the street!

American surgeons perform fullness face transplant yet

A victim of a gun accident has received the most complete face transplant to date. Surgeons have even allowed him to pick his nose.