"This Is How Accidents Happen"
Abilene, Texas CPA, mentally adding up client's tax burden on the way to work, tailgates good ole boy's truck. Sees 1,412 stars.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Gotta Go For Your Dreams
One man's dream of standing before a urinal while drinking ten beers in a row tells guy who walks up to next one to go for all the gusto you can in life, passes out.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Tired Of Being Treated Like Doormats
Toyota recalls millions of cars with dangerous floor mats. Advise owners to approach them cautiously and don't let them know why you're going to the dealer.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Can You Dig It?
Forbes Magazine reports that the 400 richest Americans lost $300 billion last year. Biggest product gain: Metal detectors.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
What's That Smell Down There?
Archaeologists accidentally uncover the biggest vomitorium ever discovered in ancient Rome, start a new one.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Today's Sunglasses Report
According to Sunglasses Today, My Sunglasses and The Sunglasses Times, Americans are more preoccupied with sunglasses than any other nation in the world.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Air Today Gone Tomorrow
Guitar Hero sales are set to tumble this Xmas due to the recession and credit crunch. However retailers are expecting a boom in Air Guitar sales from Scottish manufacturer Hot-Scot Air Ltd.
written by iscrivener, 10 October 2009
Bleur Book Set To Be Xmas Number One Scottish Best Seller
The All New Scottish Cook Book - Recipes For Your English Guests by Gordon Bleur. On sale from Friday, this new release focuses on recipes which include Hemlock, Foxglove and raw Black Locust Pods!
written by iscrivener, 10 October 2009
"Bye Bye Escosse Bye Bye!"
Thousands of Scottish footy fans have failed to turn up for return flights home and are seeking political asylum in Japan. One fan said "there are millions of jobs here and the weather's better too!"
written by iscrivener, 10 October 2009
Shrewsbury Bid for More Players
A Shrewsbury golf course has installed floodlights in the hope of attracting those who like swinging nightclubs!
written by IN SEINE, 10 October 2009
Boat Found Empty
"Just a small blip on the radar screen" overturns small tourist boat in Scotland Loch, eats all the passengers.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Carbon Footprints Erased
Study shows that more immigrant laborers have been hired to dispose with wealthy politician's carbon footprints.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
President Provides Leisure Time
Today, President Barack Obama took credit in his weekly speech of providing more Americans with leisure time than any president since Jimmy Carter.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Health Secretary Resigns
US Under-Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare resigns after finding out it is "Welfare" not "Warfare". "I've never been on welfare in my life", says retired Colonel.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
DC Bathroom Changes
Senator Craig's activities has led all Washington bathroom to install bathroom stalls all the way to the floor.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Chip Off The Old Block!
Study Update: Playing with blocks helping children to develop language skills. "You move one more of my blocks and I'll knoc YOUR block off!"
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
DC Guards Protecting President!
Washington DC guards rush Obama indoors as rainstorm hits the capital. Ever since he won the Nobel Peace Prize, his nose is so far up in the air, he could easily drown.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Just Like All The Other Programs
President Obama says that the government's health care proposal, like everything else they've done, is well designed, completely reliable and cost-efficient.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Ahdinejad Given "Mandate"
Iran's Ahdminejad says he has been given a "mandate" by his supporters to arrest those who voted against him.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Everybody Suddenly Thankful
President Obama thanks presenters for Nobel Peace Prize, presenters thank Hollywood for large donation. Hollywood would like to thank presenters to keep their big mouths shut.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Actors Distant Cousins
It seems Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are more than childhood pals and Hollywood collaborators, they are distant cousins. "Ug and Thog were brothers", says Affleck
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Why Obama Won Peace Prize
The authorities have finally announced why they gave US President Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. It was for sending a missile to the moon, a complete peaceful use of a missile.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
"The Moon Wants BRAINS!"
NASA has shot a rocket into the moon. This morning, the moon returned the favor. Zombie Orson Wells all over the TV and radio.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
"Waybo Rinfruzd"
Marijuana activists in California are once again attempting to get enough signatures for a proposal on the ballot to legalize pot. But, so far, few can read their writing.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Fresno Least Intelligent
A new study claims that Fresno, Calif. is the least intelligent city in America. Their reaction: "Doh"!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Berlusconi's Complaint
New Berlusconi outburst: 'I am the most persecuted man in the entire history of the world outside of Bernie Madoff'.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Daughter Wins £2million Estate Verdict
Daughter wins back £2million estate left to RSPCA after overturning parents' will. Greenpeace say that will appeal verdict.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
What Has He Done?
Nobel shock and awe as Obama gets the Peace Prize after only nine months in office. "It was a pregnancy gift", says presenter.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Judge Hard On Litterers
'The gravest of all problems': Be tougher on litter louts than muggers, says judge who just MIGHT have obsessive compulsive disorder.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Sexual Health Concerns
The booze bribe: Students who agree to sexual health tests are rewarded with free alcohol, pills, invitations to examiner's rooms.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
MPs Stealing From Public Down
Four Out of five MPs face fresh expenses probe as details of new audit emerge. That's down from nine out of ten during 2008.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Dark Last Night!
Black hole scientist at 'Big Bang' Hadron Collider lab held as suspected Al Qaeda terrorist, after moon disappears.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Gangster Faces Life
The gangster, 16, who ordered execution of young father on Christmas Eve faces life in tail....jail.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Probably Grown Back
Your daughter not disabled enough: Mother's fury as 10-year-old with prosthetic leg suffers benefits penalty for trying to be normal. "Perhaps benefits denier needs a face transplant' suggests friend.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Ignore Pessimism!
Ignore Tory pessimism, Britain's bouncing back, says Brown. "At least two more people were hired last week after a little word from your's truly."
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Hefner Has No Shame
Oh No! Marge Simpson poses for Playboy cover. Homer Simpson and Marge exposed in centerfold in Lennon/Ono front & back pose.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
UN Climate Talks End
No deal on crucial issues as UN climate talks end as huge wave strikes UN building in Manhattan.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Israeli Green Power
Israelis bring green power to West Bank village, mostly in the form of fatigues.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Mark Missing
Frank says D.C. gay rights march misses mark. Also missing are Bruce, Chip, Dougie and Fred.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Turkey, Armenia Seek Ties
Turkey and Armenia seek diplomatic, Warner Brothers Cartoon ties.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Police Puzzled
Investigators search for motive in UCLA stabbing as college police ask, "Why would anyone stab a school building?"
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
No Kidding?
Congress set to act to keep abuse photos hidden. Also, no more photos of al-Qaida cutting off prisoner's heads, which tends to upset people.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Not A Positive Reaction
Gasps, Hoots, Hollers, Shit, Shoes Thrown as Obama awarded Nobel Peace Prize
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Recession/Jobs Worse
Job competition toughest since recession began as one thousand applicants for town dog-catcher show up.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Sexy Old Duo
Older couple from Bowling Green, Kentucky go to New York City, join the "80th-Story Club".
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Feel A Lot Safer
B & O Railroad Transfer offers safer trips for customers cargo by placing guard rails around the curves on the tracks.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2009
Time after time
A box of dates was lost from Old Father Time's kitchen this week. Vigillant folk will have noted that the world actually jumped ahead three days.
written by Nate John Won, 10 October 2009
Disappearance of PC 'mice'
PC users are warned that PC 'mice' have been reported missing. The software specialist squad have located, and are analysing mouse droppings.
written by Nate John Won, 10 October 2009
Doctors warn against Literary Osmosis for students
As another academic year begins, increases in Literary Osmosis Syndrome have been noted. This is the belief that by simply owning a college library book, the relevant data migrates into one's mind.
written by Nate John Won, 10 October 2009
Nobel Prize
President Obama today joined the ranks of Jimmy Carter and Yasser Arafat by receiving a Nobel Prize!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 October 2009
Spending Philosophy Sound Familiar?
John: I lost my job, we must economize! Madge: Yes, I switched our cable TV service to the other guy to save money. John: The kids will have to do without lunch, but they are too fat anyway!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 October 2009
Have I got a Deal for You!
Senate Finance Committee health care reform bill purportedly saves $81 billion. Congress buys the Brooklyn Bridge for $81 billion, but American people skeptical!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 October 2009
No More Bush Bashing
House Speaker Pelosi declares an end to "Bush bashing!" (*) Subject to Chicago getting the Olympics, Republicans supporting health care reform legislation and Osama bin Laden becoming a Presbyterian.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 October 2009
