Space Force! Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You!

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 18 June 2022

image for Space Force! Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You!
To Boldy Go ... Nowhere

I still can’t figure out what America’s newest military branch, Space Force, does. It sounds like something from Hollywood, and was invented by someone who used to be a TV star.

Is there a war in space about to happen? Will Space Force “Guardians” (yes, “Guardians of the Galaxy”, we know, Trump takes his ideas from movies) protect America from rogue satellites? If a comet or asteroid comes too close to Earth, will soldiers fly up and shoot it? Plant a bomb on it? How far do they have to travel to blow up a rock before they themselves can’t get home? And what if the asteroid isn’t going to land on America but one of America’s enemies? Will you have to pay up big time to have a comet deflected so your nation doesn’t go the way of the dinosaurs?

If this military branch is going to continue its hilarious tradition of taking its ideas from movies, who gets to be Yoda? Who is Darth Vader (okay, we all know the answer to that), who gets to be Princess Leia and, more importantly, who gets to be Han Solo? Or Chewie? NO, Boba Fett – I wanna be him!

This is not a game of make-believe, dammit! This is real. It’s not a joke even if it was created by a joke of a human being. If America gets to guard against all space enemies, then do the guardians get phasers? Will they always be on ‘stun’ or is it a ‘shoot to kill’ situation? And will America once again write in another ridiculous amendment to its hilarious constitution: Every American has the right to keep and bear ray guns to ward off space invaders (loved that game, but remember, all this has nothing to do with pop culture and popularity and Trump getting his name in the history books for all time as the originator of this branch. This is a man addicted to fame and keeping his name alive for whenever Earth gets taken over by Martians.)

How many eons until this military branch has something to do? I mean, talk about a cushy job! It’s probably as action-packed as being an astronomer looking through a telescope at tiny dots of light for your entire life! A life well-lived!

But the most important question of all is ...

What about Shatner?! SHATNER!!!!!!!!! (KAAAAAAAAHNNN!)

End communication.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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