- TAYLOR SWIFT – She wants to get at least three new boyfriends by Valentine's Day, so she can break up with them, and write her first three hit songs of the year.
- DONALD TRUMP – Vows to move back into the White House, even if he has to cheat like a son-of-a-bitch to do it.
- KANYE WEST – He wants to stop thinking about Kim Kardashian’s astoundingly sexy ass and how stupid he was to let that fine piece of ass get away.
- DEMI LOVATO – She wants to stop feeling so damn sorry for herself and to get herself into a full-blown lesbian relationship.
- BRITNEY SPEARS – To become as famous again as she was before the fucking drugs kicked her ass.
- MITCH McCONNELL – To get surgery so that he no longer looks like the ugly damn turtle that he looks like.
- MELANIA TRUMP – To take lessons in order to loose her awful Slovenian accent.
- MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE – To have a botox procedure done so that she no longer looks as fucking ugly as Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
- SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS – To get major botox so she doesn’t look as ugly as Marjorie Taylor Greene.
- MILEY CYRUS – To try and find a way to once again become relevant.
The Spoof would like to thank the following news agencies and individuals for helping to compile this list: BuzzFuzz, Vox Populi, Andy Cohen, LaLaLand Daily, The Scuttlebutt Review, VP Harris, Zydeco Dupree, Tittle Tattle Tonight, and Kate Gosselin.
