How old people are screwed by computers

Funny story written by Aspartame Boy

Sunday, 5 September 2021

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Miss Wiggins says, screw Asspple, Tinymush, and the phone company

Everyone knows that old people and computers don't mix. The case of the absconded email password illustrates exactly how the curdling takes place, orchestrated by big tech.

This is the notorious case of Miss Wiggins, an old maid who lives alone and has tried mightily to keep up with "technology". She even acquired an iTampon many years ago, and in fact so many years ago that the battery is almost dead in it. But it still works with her trusty PoutLook email account. Of course, Miss Wiggins forgot her email password years ago, but her trusty iTampon always signs her in.

The new iTampon, from Asspple Computers, to replace the dying iTampon, came just two days ago! How thrilled she was to be able to transfer all of her data from her old to her new iTampon so easily with the help of the Asspple operating system!

And it all worked on the new iTampon just like the old iTampon and the battery seemed quite healthy on the new iTampon. (She began to wonder if she would have to buy a new car if her battery started to die? She'll have to ask the car salesman).

O but there was one little gotcha. The new iTampon did not know the password for the PoutLook email account. No worries! The website to recover the account just wanted her to fill in the last four digits of her associated phone number, which she did. Then it sent a text to her landline. This text went nowhere.

So, she used the other approaches to recover the account. But they all needed the passwords, in fact several of the passwords she previously used, even though she only had the one, the one that she forgot.

She was stuck. So she contacted Asspple. They explained that they did not trust her or her new iTampon with the password for her PoutLook account, so they just stored it in a form that could not be used by her or her new iTampon. Only her old dying iTampon could use it.

So, Miss Wiggins wondered: if she called Century Blink, could she get text-to-landline to work on her phone? Alas, the robot told her to look on the website and there was no such feature. So Tinymush’s text messages to her landline ended up in a landfill somewhere in China.

But then she found the answer. For just 44 dollars a month, a company can get your landline to receive text messages and convert them to voicemails!
Then the code from Tinymush to restore her PoutLook email account can be obtained and she can reset and actually KNOW her password! And not a single human at Asspple or Tinymush will need to raise a finger, which they would not do anyway of course.

But alas, Miss Wiggins does not have 44 dollars a month. She has decided to burn all of her big tech gadgets and move to a rain forest in South America to raise poisonous vipers.

Because all the bastards that she raised work at high tech corporations, she figures snakes will be an improvement.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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