How old people are screwed by computers

Funny story written by Aspartame Boy

Sunday, 5 September 2021

image for How old people are screwed by computers
Miss Wiggins says, screw Asspple, Tinymush, and the phone company

Everyone knows that old people and computers don't mix. The case of the absconded email password illustrates exactly how the curdling takes place, orchestrated by big tech.

This is the notorious case of Miss Wiggins, an old maid who lives alone and has tried mightily to keep up with "technology". She even acquired an iTampon many years ago, and in fact so many years ago that the battery is almost dead in it. But it still works with her trusty PoutLook email account. Of course, Miss Wiggins forgot her email password years ago, but her trusty iTampon always signs her in.

The new iTampon, from Asspple Computers, to replace the dying iTampon, came just two days ago! How thrilled she was to be able to transfer all of her data from her old to her new iTampon so easily with the help of the Asspple operating system!

And it all worked on the new iTampon just like the old iTampon and the battery seemed quite healthy on the new iTampon. (She began to wonder if she would have to buy a new car if her battery started to die? She'll have to ask the car salesman).

O but there was one little gotcha. The new iTampon did not know the password for the PoutLook email account. No worries! The website to recover the account just wanted her to fill in the last four digits of her associated phone number, which she did. Then it sent a text to her landline. This text went nowhere.

So, she used the other approaches to recover the account. But they all needed the passwords, in fact several of the passwords she previously used, even though she only had the one, the one that she forgot.

She was stuck. So she contacted Asspple. They explained that they did not trust her or her new iTampon with the password for her PoutLook account, so they just stored it in a form that could not be used by her or her new iTampon. Only her old dying iTampon could use it.

So, Miss Wiggins wondered: if she called Century Blink, could she get text-to-landline to work on her phone? Alas, the robot told her to look on the website and there was no such feature. So Tinymush’s text messages to her landline ended up in a landfill somewhere in China.

But then she found the answer. For just 44 dollars a month, a company can get your landline to receive text messages and convert them to voicemails!
Then the code from Tinymush to restore her PoutLook email account can be obtained and she can reset and actually KNOW her password! And not a single human at Asspple or Tinymush will need to raise a finger, which they would not do anyway of course.

But alas, Miss Wiggins does not have 44 dollars a month. She has decided to burn all of her big tech gadgets and move to a rain forest in South America to raise poisonous vipers.

Because all the bastards that she raised work at high tech corporations, she figures snakes will be an improvement.


Flush with cash after raising poisonous vipers and selling the venom to Dr. Faucci, Miss Wiggins returned to the US to once again try to recover her email account.

She realized that if she could just use her landline, still working with CenturyBlink, to receive the recovery text message from Tinymush, she could reset her PoutLook email password and actually read her email.

So she contacted DialMyScreams, a service that lets you send and receive text messages on your CenturyBlink ScamLine.

She activated DialMyScreams and sure enough she started getting text messages from those who had her phone number but had no clue it was a landline.

Then TADA! She tried to get Tinymush to send that recovery text to her. Nothing came. No message. No code. No recovery.

The folks at DialMyScreams explained that text messages from “short codes” did not work. Tinymush, and other big scam outfits all use short codes. It’s like vanity license plates for cars.

It was time to root thru the garbage and find an old iPhoney6 in the trash.

She took it to an Assple store. They tested it and lied to her, saying it could not be fixed. But they wanted to buy it from her.

So she ordered a battery and fixed it herself. It was no harder than making pancakes.

Then she had a cheap cell phone company port the landline number away from the CenturyBlink folks. They got mad and turned off her internet access!

But she got the recovery text and her email back.

Then she called us here at

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more