Top 10 Things That WILL Kill You in 2020

Written by Jock Reasoning

Sunday, 28 June 2020

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Death is ALWAYS around an unexpected corner. A person can NEVER be too safe.

FEAR not, friends. I’m here to proffer a very specific list in the hopes that it will SAVE lives.

Below is a list of the ten most likely things to KILL you in the year 2020.

Read this list carefully and beware.

10. MURDER HORNETS – Yes, these little assholes were first reported around a month ago. They created quite the buzz (sorry). Not much has been reported lately, though. Why is that? Are they gone? Don’t bet on it. They are out there and looking to strike. Stay safe and avoid the MURDER HORNETS.

9. CHINA – Always a threat to eliminate human lives. China looms large in terms of patriotic danger. Issues may seem somewhat calm right now, but don’t let that fool you. China is still a very REAL and very DANGEROUS threat to all of your LIVES.

8. SHARK ATTACK – You didn’t think we’d forget about these jerks, did you? Sharks are EVERYWHERE, just waiting to scoop up an unsuspecting beachgoer. Beware of the beaches, and only attend if ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Avoiding the beach will likely save your life.

7. PROTESTERS – Peaceful? YEAH, RIGHT. These people are MURDERERS. Avoid all protests!! These people are dangerous and VIOLENT. They will eliminate you the first chance they get. Stay inside and keep your thoughts to yourself.

6. VIDEO GAMES – Electronic devices have been instilling a MURDEROUS mindsight into America’s youth for over thirty years. Video Games will teach your kids how to KILL. Next thing you know, they are carrying automatic weapons, looking for a grudge to settle.

5. POLICE – Serve and Protect? Don’t make me LAUGH! It’s been proven that ALL police are actively hunting American citizens. Don’t give them a reason to distribute their lust for murder. Stay inside, and, if you MUST go out, abide by ALL the laws, even the ones you aren’t sure actually exist.

4. 2ND AMENDMENT – A mainstay on this list. The 2nd Amendment has probably racked up the second-highest amount of KILLS in American history. Until this amendment is abolished, it will continue to blithely murder innocent citizens without any semblance of remorse. Do your part in sending this murderer where it belongs – the realm of abolishment!

3. TERRORIST ATTACK – Shocking to see this at number 3? I know, right?! This has held down the second spot for damn near twenty years. Don’t take the slippage as a hint that Terrorist Attacks are on the decline. They are still REAL and EVERYWHERE. Watch out for terrorists. Do your best to avoid public places – places most prone to an attack. They are happening here, now, and everywhere.

2. COVID-19 – And here it is! Rookie of the Year! A debut so powerful it climbed all the way to #2! COVID-19 is incredibly deadly. Not only is it deadly, but it’s EVERYWHERE. Stay inside. Wear your masks. DON’T TOUCH ANYONE. If you disobey any of the aforementioned rules, YOU WILL DIE.

1. DEATH – The undefeated #1 on the list of things that WILL kill you. Death has a 100% mortality rate. It gets you EVERY - SINGLE - TIME. I would advise you to avoid DEATH, but barring some scientific breakthrough, death is simply unavoidable. Do your best to evade DEATH for as long as possible. Stay safe. Don’t take risks. Do as you're told. It’s the key to living a long, successful life.

And there you have it. It is my hope that this list will SAVE LIVES.

It is always better to be safe than sorry.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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