My Favorite Movie (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words) (Now available on Amazon)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 5 March 2020

image for My Favorite Movie (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words) (Now available on Amazon)

My Favorite Movie
And when you tell me that, you know, he should testify because he’s going to tell the truth and he shouldn’t worry, well that’s so silly because it’s somebody’s version of the truth. Not the truth ...
No, it isn’t truth. Truth isn’t truth. The president of the United States says, “I didn’t —”

(Okay, so it’s not actually my quote, but it’s from my pal and lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, so I figured I’d use it here, ‘cause it seems to fit.)

Donald J. Trump

Now available on Amazon.

Okay, so I started at the beginning, which I figured would be a good place to start since that’s where most things start, right there at the beginning. Even The Bible, if you’re as religious as I am, started right there at the beginning like when God made light and named all the animals and stuff. Have you read the Bible? It’s a really cool book. The stories are wild. They had this big boat, an Ark they called it. It was built by this old guy, Noah. God talked directly to him. That’s how you know Noah was the most important guy on the job. God didn’t talk to any of the other contractors and carpenters. No, he went right to Noah and he says, “Build an Ark ‘cause it’s gonna rain, and I mean it’s gonna rain like a lot, like bigly. And, oh yeah, since the world might be getting a total renovation, I need you to round up all the animals, male and female, so we can start all over again, you know? But here’s what I was thinking. If God has this flood and he tells just Noah’s family, then there are no other people on earth, right? First of all, that ark must have stunk to the high heavens. Like, who has to clean that mess up, right? But anyway, I was thinking, if there wasn’t any other humans, then how did we get all these people? It had to start somewhere. That means they had this incest going on, which, let’s face it, makes us all kinda related in a kind of weird way, but it’s still a kind of a cool story. So, anyway, The Bible, it starts right there at the beginning and goes right on down to the end, which is what I was going to do, but then I remembered I forgot to tell you about something from the beginning even though we’re here, kind of close to the end. It’s about my favorite movie.
Sure, most of you will think that my favorite movie is something like really deep and mysterious, like one of those black-and-white films they show you in college and pass off as art, which is another thing I’m sick and tired of. You know, they have these channels like PBS, Public Broadcasting System, with all of these hippie, counter-culture types expressing themselves on the airwaves, and all for free by the way, completely on the tax-payers dime, and they pass it all off as “art.” What is this “art”? You go to these museums and what do you get? You get a perfectly good canvas splattered with perfectly good paint that some guy didn’t know how to use, and I’m supposed to support this? I’m supposed to pay for this? So, yeah, I’m going to do something about that Public Broadcasting waste of money as soon as I can.

Anyway, what I’ve been meaning to talk about in this part of the book is the thing that maybe, I guess should have, been in the beginning of the story but now here it is in the end of the book. Oh well, at least we get to talk about it, my favorite movie. You’ve probably all seen it. In fact, anyone with taste as good as mine, which is excellent when it comes to movies and stuff, in fact some people will only ask me for advice when it comes to movies, like Roger and Steve. Steve was asking me just the other day what movie he should put on ‘cause he had a couple hours to kill in Rome. So I was like, “Hey, Stevie, you know my favorite movie. Come on. You don’t know my favorite movie? The Wizard of Oz.”

Stevie was like, “You kiddin’ me? I never had you pegged for a movie like that. I thought you’d be a Scarface kinda guy or a Goodfellas kinda guy, but not something like The Wizard of Oz.”

Now, while I have seen and loved those films, and identified with them on many levels, there’s nothing that beats The Wizard of Oz. I mean, the movie basically has everything. The only thing I think I would have added if I was in charge would’ve been a little sex to jazz it up, like the Tin Man meets a Tin Woman and suddenly he’s got all the heart he needs, you know what I mean? But that was back in the day when this film was made, so they couldn’t do certain things, even though I heard Judy Garland was something else on the casting couch, like how she got most of her jobs. Aside from that, it’s a pretty, I mean, basically, a perfect film, and it explains so much.

It starts off with this little, simple girl from the middle of America, Dorothy, you know, kind of a cute little girl with her dog, Toto, and she has this arch-enemy, this old lady who wants to get her dog. I’m not a big fan of dogs, or even pets, ‘cause my mother was a real clean freak and she never wanted dirty dogs tracking mud through her house, but it was like this little girl, Dorothy, what else did she have? I mean, she was cute, but she was broke. She’s being raised by these dirt farmers in the middle of nowhere. You know, those farmers are really getting screwed, by the way. That’s another thing I have to look at as soon as I can, the farmers and how they’re getting royally screwed.
Anyway, this big storm comes along, like a really big storm. Not as big as the storms we had during my presidency, you know, like Irma. Now that was a big storm. If you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina, and you look at the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that died, and you look at what happened there that’s really a storm that was just totally overpowering, nobody’s ever seen anything like that -- and what was the death count at the time? 70? 16 people, certified. 16 people versus in the thousands. Now that was a storm, my storm Irma. I mean, they tried, the Hollywood guys, to reproduce it, but, how could they? I mean, look at Irma. It was tremendously big and tremendously wet — tremendous amount of water, and, I’m telling you, bad things can happen when you’re talking about a storm that size. What can you say? It’s called Mother Nature. In fact, I heard the Coast Guard saved 11,000 people by going into winds that the media would not go into. The Fake News Media will not go into those winds unless it’s a really good story, in which case they will, only to make me look bad usually. So, it was a bad storm, but we’ve had much better storms, much bigger storms, with a lot more water, since I’ve been in office – and we will have even better storms in the future, storms like no other president has ever had before. But this storm in the movie was strong enough to sweep this cute little girl up, you know with her cute little dress on and her pig-tails and her little shoes, up and throw her into a totally different place, like something out of science fiction. By the way, if these scientists could stop yammering about climate change and pollution and glaciers melting for a few minutes, and focus on cool stuff for once, we’d be able to do that kind of stuff already. Yeah, I mean the stuff where you’d be in one place one second and then in some totally other place the next second – forget what they call it. Telephoneportation I think it’s called, like how when you call someone they can hear your voice but you’re not actually in the room with them. So, you could be somewhere else as fast as your voice goes through a telephone line. That’s why they call it telephoneportation. I’m gonna get on that one right after the Space Force, trust me.

So, this cute little girl ends up in this kind of magical place and her house falls on the Wicked Witch of the East, which the witch deserved, right? Now this is where the movie starts explaining things. The Wicked Witch of the East reminds me of Angela Merkel, that witch from Eastern Europe. Boy, I’d love to drop a house on top of her, but you can’t just go around dropping houses on top of other leaders, not literally anyway, but you watch, I have a house or two up my sleeve for that witch from Eastern Europe. But, in the movie, all it did was piss off the Wicked Witch of the West, her sister, which may as well be that Justin Trudeau fella from Canada. I’ve met the guy, and he seems all slick and well put together, but let me tell you, I shook the guys hand and it was as limp as a rag, you know? I think he’s a bit too well dressed to be a … well, you know what I’m getting at. I think he could easily be a witch instead of a warlock, get me? I’d worry about him getting mad at me but, really, what would he do? Slap me with that limp wrist and run out of the room crying?

So, Dorothy ends up being a hero for crushing that evil woman – good for her. Then the Good Witch comes out and she has these magical shoes. And all these weirdos in this magical place start singing and celebrating. The only part of the movie I do not like, to tell the truth, is when the Lollipop Guild comes out, those little midgets with their big lollipops come out doing that weird dance – I don’t know, they just freak me out with their little hands and their little feet dancing around like that, holding those big suckers. Just weird.

Then, she has to go on the Yellow Brick Road to get to the City of Oz, which makes sense, ‘cause I think we all know that the yellow bricks are hunks of actual gold. Like, isn’t that the American Dream? Walking down a road that is literally made of chunks of gold. Apparently, that was true in this country at one time, that the streets were actually paved with gold, at least that’s why everyone came over here at one time. Then, the Democrats and that cripple Roosevelt took over, not the cool one who use to take over countries and stuff, but the other guy who couldn’t even friggen’ walk, and suddenly we had a Depression and a war, and the Communists were everywhere. Thank God we had McCarthy. And, just so you know, Roosevelt the Cripple was the Socialist who took us off the Gold Standard, so our money didn’t mean anything anymore. In his version of the story, Dorothy would’ve been walking down the green paper road. See? Not the same movie at all.

Some of the best parts of the movie, though, are when Dorothy meets her pals. You have the guy made out of tin, the Tin Man, who just wants a heart. Like all he wants to do is chop wood, but he’s frozen, just like all the steel factories in our country. You know like in Pittsburgh and Ohio and whatnot. But that’s one thing I’m gonna fix, another thing I’m gonna fix I should say. I’m bringing back American steel, just like Carnegie invented steel back in the 1700’s, I’m gonna bring it back so all those people can get back to work in those great steel factories that are just sitting around taking up space. I think that’s why they had The Tin Man in the movie. He was supposed to be the Rust Belt, who, by the way, they love me in the Rust Belt. It was pretty much Jimmy Carter who let that whole Rust Belt happen, you know –another Pinko Dem. Before him, there were great jobs for honest Americans who just wanted to work and make a living, but, don’t worry, we’re bringing them back.

Then, Dorothy meets the Scarecrow. That poor mook, all he does is sit in a field, getting picked at by the birds. It’s like what’s happening with the farmers these days. They’re getting poached by places like China and Russia, but we’ll take care of that, too. The one that is the most relevant to what’s going on today is the Cowardly Lion. I think we know who he is. Let’s see, he looks all fierce on the outside, he tries to roar but when the darkness comes along he starts to whimper and cry like a little girl. He’s supposed to be the King of the Jungle, but what is he really? A coward, right? Sound like anybody we know? I mean, I knew I would meet someone like him somewhere along the way in my life. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. Yup, Sleepy Joe Biden, the Cowardly Lion himself. I truly, sincerely, hope I get the chance to run against him in 2020. I will beat that weak house cat who thinks he’s a wild beast.
See? It all makes sense. Like when you have one of those dreams and then one day you’re doing something and suddenly you say to yourself, “Hey, I had a dream about this.” The Wizard of Oz kind of predicted me, right? Look at it. You have those caravans of monkeys flying through the air from that Wicked Witch. And don’t tell me that you don’t think of those caravans coming form the Mexican Countries as soon as you see those monkeys flying around. Don’t lie. But they were smart, the City of Oz, The Emerald City, was smart. You know why? They had a big, beautiful wall around their city, and they had one big, beautiful door that you could come through, if they let you.
Remember that scene where they knock on the door? Yeah, you don’t just walk in. The Guardian of the Gates has to check you out and then let you in. Why can’t we do that? I’ll tell you why. The Dems don’t want to get to work and start working on securing our borders and lowering drug prices and fixing these roads and stuff up so every road will be a Yellow Brick Road. I mean, it’s just total presidential harassment, and it should never happen again – it’s probably the worst presidential harassment ever. Never again.

And the Wizard, the actual Wizard of Oz, he was a pretty smart guy. He ruled the Emerald City, but it was all bullshit, really. What was it? What was he? I mean, the guy, this little guy, he’s like smaller than half of these Libtards out there, you know? You go phew and they fall over, but the Wizard, he had a trick, see? He made himself seem larger than life, bigger than what he was, more magnificent and greater than anything anyone could think of on their own. That’s why people fell in line in the Emerald City, you know? Look at it. Him, The Wizard, on his own would be destroyed but he had his whole little closet behind the veil with the levers and the megaphones and the smoke and mirrors – so, it didn’t matter what he really was. It only mattered what people thought he was. That’s a great leader, right there. People wanna be a part of something bigger than what they are. That’s the reason churches are so big and beautiful. This guy who lives in a slum is like, “I live in a shitty apartment why do I have to go to a shitty church?” See? That’s why when I had my rallies we had the big stages, the loud music, the red MAGA hats, the t-shirts – all that. Don’t take this the wrong way ‘cause people love me. I mean I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn’t lose a vote, but I think sometimes these people who come to these rallies we have, just like the people in the Emerald City, might love the idea a little bit more than, well, I hate to admit it, me personally. Nah, I’m sure it’s me. I have a big personality. People have always loved that.

So, after Stevie watches the movie, he calls me up and says, “Yeah, Donnie, that movie was so much better than I remember.”

“Yeah,” I was like. “Of course, I know great movies. I know all the great movies.”

So, he goes on: “Yeah that’s how we can get you elected.”
“Elected?” I says.

“Yeah,” Stevie goes on. “You’d be perfect. You’ve been on TV. You’ve done movies. Everyone knows you. Hell, you’ve even done the pro wrestling. You’re practically a household name.”

I reminded him that I was a household name, not practically, but then I was like, “I don’t know, Stevie. I got it pretty good right now. Why would I throw away such a good thing like I have right now?”

Then he starts talking about how we could be part of history, about being in the history books for life, or at least forever, but you know how I feel about history, so I says to him, I says, “I don’t if I really care about history, Stevie.”

“You can change history, Donnie boy,” Stevie told me, and that’s when a light went off in my brain. That happens sometimes. Then I was like, “Yeah.” I can bring back the steel workers, all those Tin Men out there. I can help out all those farmers out there, all those Scarecrows. I certainly can take on those Cowardly Lions out there and beat them every time. That was one of the conversations that got me involved in politics. My pal, Roger, helped too, telling me about the shell companies that governments run. But I thought, yeah, we could build a big, beautiful wall around the Emerald City (America) and keep out all the Flying Monkeys from the Wicked Witch of the West (Mexicans), and we’d have a big, beautiful door with a Guardian of the Door who only lets in nice people like Dorothy who wear those beautiful silver shoes.
I didn’t commit right away, ‘cause some of the best deals I’ve ever made were ones I never made. So, I told Stevie it had its perks, but I had it pretty good right then. He told me he was ready to do it any time I was ready. He even had a whole agenda ready to go: “Reconstruction to Deconstruction.” That’s when the whole idea of running for president seemed … Natural.

Now available on Amazon

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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