Fixing History: I Don’t Have Time for Books (and excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words) Now available on Amazon

Written by Chris Dahl

Wednesday, 4 March 2020

image for Fixing History: I Don’t Have Time for Books (and excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words) Now available on Amazon

Fixing History: I Don’t Have Time for Books
I like a lot of books. I like reading books. I don’t have the time to read very much now in terms of the books, but I like reading them

Donald J. Trump


Now available on Amazon

You saw my days in school with me and Mikey and Stevie – I wasn’t really into the whole school thing, and education. We talked about this, it’s stupid with all the things they talk about in those schools. I mean, science is dumb, the Constitution needs a total, and I mean, complete, overhaul, like, it needs to be gutted and redone from the bottom floor up. And books? What kinds of egg-heads read books? Well, I should say, I’ve written some dandies, you know? You probably heard of them. The Art of the Deal, ‘cause there’s an art to it, right? Like, you don’t just go in there and someone says, “Hey, you, you big mook, you’re paying this much for this building, and that’s it.” No, you gotta be like, “Really. I’m not paying that,” and then you walk out. It’s like art, like Michael Van Gogh or Vincent Rembrandt. We all have our art, even though I hated art class in school too, which is why when I started Trump University it was all about business. The only classes you took were about money and how to make it. No music, no paintings, no stupid poems and math – like, who needs math? Give me a Lower East Side Jew any day over any math class. Those people, that’s their art – counting and keeping money. I trust them totally with my money. The only ones I trust with my money, in fact. Guarantee anyone of them would take a bullet before handing over a dime, even if it wasn’t theirs. And we kept it really light on the reading, see? The reason is, if you’re training to be a big-time CEO or something, like me probably, then you’re not gonna have time for that nonsense. One time, I was doing this deal with China. You gotta watch out for the Chinese. They’re very tricky, the Chinese. All the Orientals, in fact. They smile and bow and stuff at your face, but you don’t know what they’re really thinking, and if you think the Jews are good with math, you should see these Oriental kids, the way they use those abacus things – pretty impressive. Back to the point, this guy on my staff right before a big meeting with these Oriental business guys, he said, “I’d like to send you a report.” He said, “I’d love to be able to send you”—oh boy, he’s got a lengthy report, hundreds of pages. I said, “Do me a favor: Don’t send me a report. Send me, like, three pages.” I figure, if you can’t get the gist of something in three pages, then what the Hell? Like who reads that much? Three pages? Do I have all afternoon to sit around reading 10, 12 pages? Are we back in Freshman Lit.? We reading Moby Dick here again? People, all those eggheads at Fordham used to sit around all night reading all those long, “classical” books like Moby Dick, thousands of pages about a guy with one leg who hated a big fish. I’d be like, “Egghead, the fish sinks the ship at the end. That’s it. Spoiler alert! Now you can go out and have a little fun for once.” You don’t need the whole story, really, just the basics: a fish killed the guy. He’s better off dead, actually, than being a bum fisherman with one leg. How you gonna make any money hunting whales?

It's like with the Mueller report, the Special Counsel they call him, that very conflicted, very angry Mueller guy who spent like three years and something like 42 million dollars on this investigation – and for what? He wrote like over 300 pages, which is ridiculous, who reads that much? And then there was all of this “underlying evidence” as they say, like the fancy pants guys in congress like to say, but, like honestly, who really cares? I told you, so what if Russia helped out a little bit? They liked me. They knew they could work with me and, besides, I didn’t even know. It only makes sense. Let’s say you’re a business guy, right? And someone comes up and says, “Hey, I got some dirt on this guy who sells the same stuff you do.” You wouldn’t take it? I think you might want to listen, there isn't anything wrong with listening. Like, if somebody called from a country, Norway, and said “We have information on your opponent” -- oh, I think I'd want to hear it. Why wouldn’t I? I love the Norwaynians. Nice country. But then, Mueller and all his Angry – and Very Conflicted – Democrats come along, and they say Russia did this and Russia did that, and I lied about this and I lied about that, but to be honest, I didn’t read the report. I don’t have the time, see? I’m too busy making deals, building walls and all that. So, I just had my Attorney General type up a little report and give everyone the main ideas, you know? It’s just like in school. Okay, raise your hand if you actually read the books in school. Please don’t lie to me and tell me you read those boring books like To Kill a Mockingbird just ‘cause some Lib snowflake hippie English teacher believed in racial equality and wanted to go on in class for like 45 minutes about how bad the black guy in that book got treated. I bet you all went right to the store and bought Cliff -Notes just like I did – and everyone else did. Or, even better, you just get Stevie or Mikey to write you a quick report. That’s what I had my Attorney General with that report, you know? Now, still, everyone is totally hung up on the whole report thing, and I’m here like, “This is another reason why reading is so bad. It puts all these weird ideas in people’s heads, you know?” That’s why I was like, “Hey Bill, read the report real quick and then put a little something together that kinda gets the main points across.” And he was like, “Sure. No problem.” Sure enough, the report said what I thought it was going to say, No Collusion with Russia. No obstruction.

Anyway, so, no, I don’t read much, big deal. Why? I make decisions with very little knowledge other than the knowledge I have, plus the words ‘common sense,’ because I have a lot of common sense and I have a lot of business ability. Think about it, what is a book gonna do to help me? You know that History is history. It’s in the past. Nobody wants to talk about it, really, except the Socialists who want to talk about their glory days hundreds of years ago in the Dark Ages and during the Red Scare. Why do people keep looking back? Me, I think it’s like that old girlfriend you had. You two were together for a while, things were pretty good, and then she catches you – or says she catches you – with some other broad, and suddenly she thinks she can talk to you any way she wants, so you dump her. But she didn’t really care about the other broad. They like the drama. They like being treated that way, right? They think everything is one of those soap operas they watch, so when they catch you, or think they catch you, they just imagine themselves on the TV screen in the afternoon. So, she’s like, “Oh my God! I miss him and she starts looking through pictures on her phone, reading old messages you sent her, scrolling through Facebook looking for old posts of you two together while she’s crying and petting her cat, wondering, “Oh my God, I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life!” History really doesn’t do any good. It’s like, big deal, something happened, get over it.

When I was in the casino business, for instance, all the Indians wanted to say they had all the rights to the casinos up in the Adirondacks and all over the place. They kept saying it was tribal land as if they owned the place. So, I’m like, “First of all, this guy does not look like an Indian to me. He looks like some regular, normal person.” Then I was like, these people didn’t found this country. This country was founded by a bunch of white, Christian guys who landed on Mayflower Rock on Thanksgiving Day some time in, like, a few hundred years ago. I’m bad with dates, but you catch my drift. I mean, I don’t read much, but I do remember they basically started government in this country with the Mayflower Impact, which basically said that white, Christian guys are in charge. Not a fan of reading, but if you read it – this Mayflower Impact – it doesn’t say a thing about Indians owning casinos – just saying. But the Indians always want to talk about history and what they call “historical injustices.” What the hell is that anyway?

They’re not the only ones though, believe me. The blacks are like that, too. They might the worst. Well, maybe the people from all those Mexican countries down there below the border, they might be the worst. See, what I never got about the blacks was that they were so ungrateful. Nowadays, we’d say, “Nope, you’re staying on the other side of my big, beautiful wall. Stay out and go home.” But we, the white, Christian guys, we actually brought them here, free of charge no less. They got a free ride across the ocean in a perfectly good ship for nothing! Then, they get a place in the newest, biggest, hippest country in the world – the U.S. of A. No one knew how big we were gonna be back then, so a lot of people were just hating on us, all those European losers, but we blew up pretty nicely. Then they get these entry-level jobs on these really, big, highly advanced, state-of-the-art plantations where they learned all kinds of stuff about agriculture and farming and whatnot. You know, they’re out there, singing those spirituals and picking cotton and soaking up the sun, learning all kinds of skills they never would’ve learned in those shit hole countries, which, by the way, have not developed a day’s worth since then. I mean, where would the blacks be without all that time they spent with white culture? Heck, even after the Civil War – I’ll get to that in a minute – we let them stay and they got to keep working if they wanted to, go to school, move to the cities like Detroit and Chicago. So, what I don’t get is why they constantly bitch about “reparations”? Why do they want stuff? More stuff, even after all they’ve been given. Look at all the rights they have now, probably more than they’ve ever had, and we gave them to them, but it’s never enough.

And women, they’re always talking about these “historical injustices” too. Women have had it so easy. They’re always talking about how bad they have it, about how they don’t have all the rights they should have, you know? Like what rights are women supposed to have that men aren’t supposed to have. Am I wrong? They keep talking about the inequality of their wages, how they, you know, don’t get paid the same as men. Well, I love women, believe me, I’ve had tons of beautiful women, only the best women. I mean, you know me. I’ve put women in some pretty high-level positions doing really important stuff. Shoot, look at a woman like Ivanka, my kid. She’s the whole package. Looks, brains, charm – kinda like her old man, ha ha! Just kidding. But really, she’s got a really nice figure. I think, you know, maybe, I don’t know, that if she wasn’t my daughter, we’d be dating, and, I’m telling you, she could be president, easily – with that package, how could she not? Really, I don’t hear her complaining about a wage gap.

But oh yeah, back to the gender equality thing. Men and women are not equal. They’re different but not really equal, even Ivanka, I bet, would tell you that. Men don’t get pregnant, do they? No, they get to work 365 days a year. A woman gets pregnant and she’s supposed to gets all these months off for maternity leave, they call it. Guys don’t get that off. And you put a guy and a gal on a construction site and who’s gonna lift more? The guy. So, he’s supposed to take less so the hourly wage is equal to the girl who can’t lift as much? It’s just not logical. Then, at least once a month, these women start getting these cramps and stuff. They get all edgy. Who wants a cranky laborer? That’s one week a month – 25 percent of the year is lost to her period. So, why wouldn’t she get 25 percent less, right? I mean that seems logical.

“Reproductive rights,” there’s another gem. What are they thinking? It’s the Libtards. They come up with these ideas, these slogans, and then all these women get their heads filled with these notions and suddenly raising a nice family in a nice house somewhere isn’t enough. Everything has to be equal. This “reproductive rights” thing is just another way of saying that the guy has to keep the kid if the woman wants it, or he doesn’t get his kid if she doesn’t feel like it. So, I say, what about the guy? Doesn’t he have any rights? Roe versus Wade, 1973 – that’s what did it right there. They said, basically, that it was a matter of “privacy” whether a female wants an abortion or not. How stupid is that? What could be less private than a thing like that? An abortion being private? I mean, you have all the protestors before you even get into the place with their Jesus signs and everything. Then, you get the whole waiting room full of other Libs waiting to assassinate their kids. You got nurses, doctors, assistants – everyone all over the place. Let me tell you, an abortion is far from private. That 14th Amendment – I’ll be looking at that one really closely. They only added that one after the Civil War to make sure the Northerners could make all the decisions about the South. You might not know this, but there are many people who don’t think that Lincoln actually won the Civil War, anyway. I’m one of them. He didn’t know how to win, typical Democrat, right? And, by the way, that whole war, the Civil one, which I never got the name because there was nothing ‘civil’ about that war, or any other war. I’m pretty sure that war set records for numbers of people dead. Oh yeah, they were killing people all over the place in that war, but none of it had to happen. If I had been there, even just a few years before the war, I know I could’ve made a deal and none of this would’ve even happened. You’d say to someone, “How about that Civil War?” And the guy would say to you, “What Civil War. Never heard of it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah that’s because I stopped it before it even started.” But, I missed that chance, too.

Andrew Jackson, a lot of people say I’m a lot like him, you know, an outsider, not one of those political snobby types with turned-up noses, but more like regular people, who understands the everyday guy, you know. But Jackson, he died 16 years before the Civil War started, but he saw it coming and was angry. He knew it was bad. He knew it was going to change the whole country, like a lot, a whole lot, and he didn’t like it, so, like I would’ve, he would’ve stopped it dead in its tracks. He, like me, was a very tough person, but he had a big heart, like me. He was really angry that he saw what was happening regarding the Civil War. He said, 'There's no reason for this.' People don't realize, you know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out? That’s why the country needs more honest deal-makers like me and Jackson, to work things out before they even happen. Instead, what do we have? A bunch of snowflakes who are more concerned with equality and wage gaps and reparations than anything else, meanwhile things like the Civil Wars are going on.

And they’re all so picky, always nit-picking everything you do, these Lib-snobs. Oh, I gotta remember that one. I like that, ‘Lib-snob.’ I should write that down. Anyway, it was that one time I wanted to do something nice on one of my golf courses in honor of some of the dead from that war. I put a plaque up for them. It said:
Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.” It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!

-Donald John Trump

Well, the Socialist Fake News Media came out of the woodwork on that one, them and the egghead historians who claimed that no battles had ever taken place there. I mean, this is another reason that school, books and school, are so stupid. They spend their lives studying this stuff and then they think they know everything. Yeah, so, they start telling everybody how wrong I was, how there was no battles there on that site. So, I was like, “How would they know that? Were they there?” These nerds started going on and on about this article, that article, this book and that book – all these experts – and how wrong I was, so I just said, “Write your story the way you want to write it. You don’t have to talk to anybody. It doesn’t make any difference. But many people were shot there. It makes sense.” Eventually, true story, a lot of people came around to the way I saw it and they were like, “Man, he was more accurate than guys who have studied it all the time.” ‘Cause, see, these schools aren’t schools anymore. They like these science fiction brainwashing centers run by Lib Socialists who wanna make all these kids protesting in the streets and screaming for change. They pump these kids up with this idea that they have rights – all these rights – women have even more rights than guys, blacks have even more rights that whites, Indians have more rights than white – so what’s left? You have the white guys in the middle with no rights, even though we basically founded, created and built this country out of nothing, before anyone was here, and now we’re just supposed to hand it all away to everyone. I agree with Roy Moore, good guy and a former senator from Alabama, when he said that we could get rid of everything after the tenth amendment and not lose a thing. All that stuff after the 10th is extra and all they do is hand everything to other people who weren’t there, who didn’t do anything, who just happen to be here. Then, in these schools, they tell the kids all the bad stuff about America which is, like, treason, right? They’re getting it right in Colorado. They’re fixing history, you know? They proposed that “[m]aterials should promote citizenship (instead of talking about why we shouldn’t be building a big, beautiful wall on the Southern Border to keep all the non-citizens out, those people who want a free education and hand-outs but don’t want to kick into the tax base), patriotism (like praying everyone morning like a good Christian does and saying the Pledge of Allegiance like every good American should), essentials and benefits of the free enterprise system (NOT SOCIALISM!), respect for authority (I was raised in one of those “Do what you’re told households,” and I turned out pretty good, became president) and respect for individual rights (not ‘everybody’s rights’ or that everybody even needs rights, but decent individuals). Materials should not encourage or condone civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law (again, there’s not enough ‘do what you’re told’ left in this country). Instructional materials should present positive aspects of the United States and its heritage.” See, they’re trying to be positive in Colorado, not all gloom and doom like the hippies who need to demonstrate in the streets every time they get a little butt-hurt. Up there in Colorado, they saw that there was too much material about women, about Indians, and about slavery – and it was all very negative. Like with slavery, people never talk about how much it actually built. I’m sure there were some really bad plantation owners, just like there are some really bad presidents, but you can’t get a bad guy to change, you know? It’s like they’re blind to the fact of how horrible they are. But even the bad ones, think about how much they contributed. They built those big, beautiful mansions, and tilled and farmed those massive fields and provided tobacco, rice, cotton, sugar cane and indigo – all kinds of stuff the Dems up North couldn’t have run their factories without, not to mention a lot of the world. They were the economy, but the liberal textbooks just focus on the “poor, black slave” talking about how he was used and abused, and worked from dawn to dusk and how they were beaten all the time and sold like animals – but like we saw before with my plaque at the golf course, how do they know? Were they there? It’s also like with the Fake News Media – what you read and what you see is not what is happening. They just expect you to believe that without any second thought. They don’t talk, like we did before, ‘cause we’re thinking and talking outside the box here a little bit, about how the blacks got a free ride here – not many people do. That wouldn’t happen today. But it also gave them a good work ethic, you know, and taught them how to use technology and stuff. They didn’t have that over there where they came from – they still don’t. So, were there bad situations, probably, but there are bad people and very fine people on both sides, you know. History doesn’t teach like that anymore. It just teaches how bad white men are, cops are, and politicians are. A lot of fine blacks came out of slavery and did very well for themselves, like Frederick Douglass. Look at him. Learned to read from the white kids in the neighborhood, learned himself a trade, like working on ships or something. Yeah, Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice.

I guess what I’m saying is that we need to fix history, and I’m going to do whatever I can to do just that. We’re giving people all the wrong ideas about us here in the U.S. We’re giving these kids all the wrong ideas about what we are and what we’re supposed to be and do. In the end all I can say is America First – always will be and always has. See, without history being written properly, how are these kids going to learn where they stand in that Natural Order we keep talking about?
Now available on Amazon

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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