My Pal Vlad and My Buddy Kim (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Monday, 2 March 2020

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My Pal Vlad and My Buddy Kim
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Show me someone without an ego, and I'll show you a loser -- having a healthy ego, or high opinion of yourself, is a real positive in life!
Donald J. Trump

Now Available on Amazon

I’m the only president who’s had any success with North Korea and Kim Jong Un, who’s actually a really good guy. I mean, he knows how to run a country. When he walks in his people snap to attention, and when he sits, they sit, but only after him. And his people, they totally love him. You can ask anyone in that whole country, from some fisherman to any one of those generals, to a soldier, to some of the tourists they caught, and all of them have nothing but nice things to say about him. And it’s not like the Fake News over here that’s always trying to bring me down and twist my words and destroy what has been the most successful presidency of all times in many historical senses. Over there, they keep it real simple, like one news channel, and that channel has nothing but nice things to say about what’s going on in the government. They have these big, beautiful pictures of Kim all over the place. I always wonder, why don’t we have that? Why don’t we have those great, big beautiful pictures of me all over the place?

Obama didn’t have any success with North Korea. Bush, the son or the father, neither of them had any success with Kim. Even Reagan, the guy who stole my slogan kind of, didn’t have any success with Kim. I’m the only one out of the last, like, forty, fifty years who’s had any success with North Korea. I might be the only one, actually. Yeah, I had to start off a little rough. Sometimes I can be rough, I know. First thing was I called him a “little rocket man,” just to humiliate him a little, to see how he’d like it, and then I told him how powerful we were, The U.S. of A. that is, and how we would rain down fire and fury on him if he didn’t start listening up. How we had big, fat rockets for him. Then, he has the balls to threaten us, and I told him that I, too, have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his, and my button works!
I think I hurt his feelings.

I felt bad after we met in person. Things changed almost immediately. I have to admit, I like him. I get along with him great. We have a fantastic chemistry. We can sit there at the same table and just chat away about all sorts of things: the economy, politics, China, Russia, soup, appetizers – whatever. Or sometimes we can just sit there and be quiet with each other, kinda just looking at each other. We chuckle at each other’s jokes. It’s like we’ve known each other forever. He finishes my sentences sometimes. We’re just like two peas in a pod. I’ll admit, I just didn’t want to leave that summit because I just knew how much I’d miss him. Then, these beautiful, big letters were sent to me and, yeah, we sort of fell in love. He’s half a world away, but I still feel like he’s with me every moment, and I just can’t wait for those big, beautiful letters to come in the mail.
My other pal is Vlad, Vladmir Putin. People are always hating on him. I don’t know why people are always saying bad stuff about him, but he’s really a good guy. You all just don’t know him as well as I do. If you did you wouldn’t be spreading all that nonsense, like that stuff about the journalists and how they disappeared. As far as those reporters are concerned — as far as the reporters are concerned, obviously I don't want that to happen. I think it's terrible — horrible. But, in all fairness to Putin, you're saying he killed people. I haven't' seen that. I don't know that he has. Have you been able to prove that? Do you know the names of the reporters that he's killed? Because I've been — you know, you've been hearing this, but I haven't seen the names. Now, I think it would be despicable if that took place, but I haven't' seen any evidence that he killed anybody in terms of reporters. I’ve always had a good instinct about Putin. I just feel that that’s a guy—and I can analyze people and you’re not always right, and it could be that I won’t like him. But I’ve always had a good feeling about him from that standpoint. See, you want to make a good deal for the country, you want to deal with Russia – and there’s nothing wrong with not fighting everybody, having Russia where we have a good relationship as opposed to all the stupidity that’s taken place. Putin said good things about me. He said, ‘he’s a leader and there’s no question about it, he’s a genius.’ So, they all said, the media, they said -- you saw it on the debate -- they said, ‘you admire President Putin.’ I said, “I don’t admire him.” I said he was a strong leader, which he is. I mean, he might be bad, he might be good. But he’s a strong leader. I would treat Vladimir Putin firmly, but there's nothing I can think of that I'd rather do than have Russia friendly, as opposed to the way they are right now, so that we can go and knock out ISIS with other people. If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset, not a liability, because we have a horrible relationship with Russia. Russia can help us fight ISIS, which, by the way, is, number one, tricky. I mean if you look, this administration created ISIS by leaving at the wrong time. In the void that was created, ISIS was formed.
The new joke in town is that Russia leaked the disastrous DNC e-mails, which should never have been written – all ‘cause Putin likes me. I mean, I’ve talked to him. We spend time together. That’s what leaders do. They get together and they talk about important stuff, and I swear, every time he sees me, he says, ‘I didn’t do that,’ and I really believe… he means it. Think about it. Why would Russia lie to us? They have no reason to lie, that would be crazy to think that a Russian, especially a Russian leader like Putin, would lie about something as big as interfering in an American election. You know what? Putin’s fine. He’s fine. We’re all fine. We’re people, and we all know that I know people. I know real estate, I know business and I know deals. In order to know those things, you gotta know people, you gotta be able to judge people, so I asked Vlad about it, I said, “Did you do it?” And you know what he said? He said, “No way, Donny. You didn’t need my help. You ran a great campaign. Why would you need my help when you ran such a campaign? We knew you were going to win, no matter what.”

I said, “Yeah, right? And did you see that inauguration?”

“Massive,” Putin told me. “Biggest one I’ve ever seen. Really big. Obama wishes he had such a big one.”

“Thank you,” I said back to him. “Yeah, you’re right. Obama’s wasn’t that big. Mine was much bigger.”

Then he goes like this: “You would’ve won the popular vote by five million votes if it hadn’t been for all those undocumented illegals in places like California.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I knew it.” So, I asked him if he had any suggestions about what to do, ‘cause he’s a really smart guy, you know, with a really big country. I think, historically, Russia might be the biggest country ever, you know in terms of size, I think it’s the biggest too, so I figured if a guy can build such a big country, at least in terms of size, then he can figure out how to fix voting in a big way, too.

That’s when he said something really smart. I should’ve known he was gonna say something really smart. He’s not just a really good looking guy, and really well built, but man, he blew my mind with what he told me. There I was, staring into those blue eyes of his. Have you seen those eyes? Anyway, he says, “Not everyone has to vote.”

This blew my mind. I had to think about it for a second. Then, I says, “Wait. I thought everyone was supposed to vote.”

“It’s not a human right,” Vlad says, like really cool. He’s always in control. That’s another thing I love about him. He’s the strong, silent type, you know? The type you always feel safe around’ like if he was around on 9/11 or a day like that, you’d feel really safe in his arms.

“What do you mean?” I asked him. He put his hand on my shoulder and I felt all warm inside.

“Sit,” Vlad told me and I sat right down. “Why would you want people who don’t like you and won’t vote for you casting votes? You just have to figure out ways to get your people to the polls and to keep the others away.”

“Wow,” I thought, that made total sense. Why would I let them vote? If they don’t belong in the country, why would they vote? If they don’t like my ideas, why let them vote? It’s not like God came down and said, “Hey, all of you can vote and nobody’s allowed to take that away from you. No, no, it’s not like that. I mean, we make the rules, the government does, not them.”

So, after that meeting, I was talking to my pal Roger and Stevie. “Yeah,” Roger said. “Oldest trick in the book, Donnie boy.”

I was kinda shocked. I didn’t think it’d been around this whole time. I was like, “Really?”

Roger was like, “Yeah, there’s all kinds of tricks. You close the polls early in some places. You don’t tell people where the polling site is. Maybe you move the site at the last minute. Like out in the New Mexico, by the Indian Reservations, they don’t have cars most of them, so you just put up a polling site just inside the legal limits, but far enough so that they all can’t get there, and, if they do, too late. Sorry. Try next year.”

“That’s legal?” I asked him.

“Pretty much,” Roger said. “I’d have to say there are technicalities involved, but, yes, basically it’s legal.”

“So, he’s right?” I asked Roger. “We shouldn’t let people who don’t like me vote?”

“Of course not,” Roger says to me, and then he goes on. He says, “Why? If you invite a bunch of people over for dinner and three of them start bad-mouthing you all around town after they eat your food and drink your booze, would you invite them back?”

“No,” I told him. “Definitely not.”

“Then,” Roger goes on, “would you invite those people to vote for you and determine your political fate?”

That was a good point. There was no denying it, and I’m really good at denying stuff, you know, like for the sport of it. I love sports, especially golf. That’s my favorite sport.

Anyway, I think Putin and I get along very well and I think that’s a good thing. That’s not a bad thing. Hopefully, some day, he’ll be a friend, a really good friend. It could happen, but I don’t know him well enough yet and I don’t want to seem to … anxious … easy? I guess that would be a bad look. Maybe I’ll just tweet him later. In the meantime, I’ll just wait for another one of those big, beautiful letters from Kim. Oh, the Natural Order of things.
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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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