A Dire Warning From President Trump

Written by Brett Taylor

Tuesday, 25 June 2019

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President Trump just delivered a new address. Here it is:

My fellow Americans, many of whom are my friends…all of you, all Americans are my friends. Most of them. Very few people don’t like me, and those that don’t are bad people. Like Hillary, who I call Crooked Hillary. But that’s now what we’re to talk about, how people like me. Although it’d be very good to talk about.

My friends, I offer you a terrible warning. Although it’s good that I am warning you. It’s not the warning that’s bad, it’s the terrible things that are bad. But do what I say and things will go very well.

You see, the Obama years were a nightmare of American carnage and Kenyan-sponsored terrorism. Illegal immigrants were marrying our daughters. Not my daughter, she never married any Mexican. Because he’s not a Mexican, her husband isn’t. And neither is my wife. She’s very hot, Melania is. I don’t need to go to Mexico to find a wife, some guys do. I can go to Bosnia, or Ukraine. Where the real pretty girls are. You ever see Bernie Sanders’ wife? Probably not. She’s not very hot. That proves he never had any money, because he married a woman who’s not very hot. People like that are bad for our country. If you can’t find a beautiful wife, how can you run our military? It’s true.

Maybe your daughter married a Mexican, and maybe it’s Obama’s fault. The Democrats, they’ll say, Oh, how can that be Obama’s fault? But he didn’t stop it, did he?

But the Obama years were very, very bad. Our government was built on lies and our tweets were written in blood. But now we’re living in a wonderful utopia. Probably the greatest society that’s ever been. Who were those people, the Romans? They threw people to the lions, what was so great? I asked my wife, would you want to watch lions eat people all day, like on a reality show? Maybe so. It would be like, “You’re fired,” only when we fired them the lions would eat them. Could be a hit. A lot of people would watch it just because of me. Probably a billion people. But here’s the thing, they didn’t have plumbing in those days. So if you had to go, well, go wherever. Lions are cats, aren't they? They're not dogs. But they could be. You never know.

Did you know the Romans today are the Italians? They changed their name. I didn’t know that. Who knew? I thought maybe they went to Mexico or somewhere like that. And Italy is great but there are no lions there. That I saw.

The point is, we can’t change course. As you probably already know, we’ve got a re-election coming up. And if I’m not re-elected things will be very very bad. You know that book, The Very Very Bad Day? I never read it. I don’t have time to read. But my grandkids read it, when they were young. But that’s what it will be, it will be very very bad for all of us, because I need to get re-elected. And I will. But if I don’t get elected, which I will, something very very bad will happen to our country. Maybe the worst crisis ever. The stock market will crash by five hundred zillion million jillion points. Maybe even a quadrillion. That’s what the experts are saying. All of them. And you can believe them. Because it’s true.

And Putin will be very mad. We don’t want that. He has bombs, you know, big ones, and he’ll use them. So we should do what he says. But I don’t know him very well. Never did. Despite what the Democrats are saying. They hate him so much, and he’s a very gentle man. Gentle, yet it’s like he’s built out of very steel. Very strong. It’s not true what they are saying. There’s no collusion, never was any. I tell you who I do know. Kim Jong-Un Wonderful man. Probably one of the greatest hoarders who ever lived. And you’re going to want to go to those North Korean casinos, because they’re going to be great. You’ll love it there in North Korea, it’s very great. It’s very beautiful there, but the press doesn’t report on it. Don’t know why. Maybe they’re too busy giving Hillary Clinton a break. They should have locked her up in jail, I always said so.

You know, you never hear the Word “Obama” any more. Never do. Where are the tweets? Never hear of any. Where’d he go? He doesn’t do any tweets. Thank God. I wouldn’t want to read them if he did. They’d be very dangerous to the American people. Like who knows what could be in them, some kind of code or something.

But I tweet. I tweet a lot. I entertain the public with wonderful tweets, on an almost daily basis, and I do it all for free. I don’t get paid for golf either. How many athletes you know who do their jobs for free? Not many. And they get paid big, big money. But I compete in athletic competition, and it’s all without pay, completely without pay.

Well, I’m going to tweet now.

And that Iran thing, don’t worry about that.

Sleep well.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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