Jesus Detained by ICE for Conspiracy to Feed and Shelter Migrants

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 24 June 2019

image for Jesus Detained by ICE for Conspiracy to Feed and Shelter Migrants

BuzzFeed—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was detained by ICE today at the US-Mexico border for allegedly helping a migrant and her infant when He was caught by border patrol agents offering them water and sustenance. Jesus, said a spokesman for ICE, will likely be charged with conspiracy to feed and shelter migrants seeking a better life.

Said an ICE agent, “We were all kinda nervous about arresting—you know—our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I texted my pastor, before we arrested him, if I was doing the right thing. He texted me back, ‘Make America Greet Again,’ which I think means it’s OK? He’s not very good at texting.”

One witness reported that Jesus, assuming that just about everyone in Texas has read at least parts of the Book his Father wrote, tried a proof-text when they first approached him, quoting “Do not oppress a foreigner; you yourselves know how it feels to be foreigners, because you were foreigners in Egypt.” But the border agents, on hearing “Egypt” and “foreigners” in the same sentence, thought he was quoting the Koran, and ignored him.

Jesus, because He is Jesus, was given a wool blanket instead of a piece of aluminum to stay warm with.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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