BILLINGSGATE POST: If life were fair, Slim Everdingle would have taken a pass when he was first introduced to Alexandria “The Great.” She was a bartender in a sleazy saloon in a bad section of the Bronx that catered mainly to pimps, prostitutes and off-duty priests. Slim was none of the above.
The only reason he and his sidekick, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, stepped into the seedy establishment was they had heard through the grapevine that Robert Mueller and former FBI Director James Comey were to rendezvous there. They were excited about the opportunity to check these two birds out in their own habitat. Mueller would be smartly attired in a lavender tulle with ruffles; Comey, with his hair slicked back in a duck tail, would be sporting a feathered boa that he had requisitioned from the J Edgar Hoover Memorabilia Closet. Mueller had decided to go retro, shaking and rattling in white, high-heeled Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars. Comey, not to be outdone, chose to enhance his lengthy profile by wearing open-toed Capricio shoes; very stylish, as if he really needed an additional three inches so he could look down on everyone.
It was well past midnight when Slim and Dirty found a parking place for Slim’s 1951 Studebaker Champion outside the Scarlet Donkey Bar. As usual, the windows of the Champion were clouded-over by the “rat-tat-tat” of Dirty’s popcorn farts as they ricocheted off one window to the next.
Sauntering through the beaded entry to the bar, Slim heard someone yell. “Hey asshole, close the door. You born in a barn?”
“Nah, turd face. I was born on the side of a hill with a sling-shut gate. Ya gotta problem with that?"
Behind the bar, her gums smacking like two slabs of liver waving for a cab, stood Alexandria “The Great” Ocasio-Cortez.
“What you guys drinking?”
“I’ll have a Pink Squirrel. Dirty the same. But make mine the old-fashioned way. Stir it with your finger, Sweet Pea.”
“You making a pass at me, Bum F*ck?”
“It’s Mr. Bum F*ck to you, Sweet Pea. Show some respect.”
Dirty: “Slim, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”