Twelve Little Known Provisions in the Fine Print of the “Green New Deal”

Written by Trinculoman

Tuesday, 12 February 2019

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Close scrutiny of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s “Green New Deal” reveals the following key provisions, which are hereby provided as public service.

The United States shall henceforth be renamed ‘Alexandria’s Fossil Fuel Free Fiefdom’ with Queens, New York, as its Emerald Organic City.

Daily meditation in front of monuments of Al Gore as the reincarnated “Green Buddha,” draped in a pea green organic loin cloth, shall be compulsory.

Raw kale is mandatory consumption at all times for all residents of the Fiefdom.

Bernie Sanders is hereby appointed permanent ‘Pope of Vermont’ and shall retire there immediately to compose encyclicals explaining the goofy spirituality derived from psychedelic mushrooms.

Ground transportation shall be solely confined to travel by Yak cart; and all those riding shall be required to carry out Yak-poop scooping on demand.

All travel by air is strictly banned, except for Da Vinci flapping contraptions, which must be purchased from the George Soros Aviation Conglomerate.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics is hereby outlawed because it is abusive, bullying, and, like, totally offensive to those who don’t understand it.

Maintaining all “unwilling to work” brother-in-laws on family room couches shall be mandatory; and it is expressly unlawful to have them fumigated.

All ‘illegal aliens’ shall be renamed ‘Wondrous Persons of the Realm’ after prostrating themselves before and pledging undying allegiance to Her Most Exalted Excellency Green Queen Alexandria of Queens.

Beto O’Rourke is hereby named ‘Green-Guru Eunuch for Life at the Court of Queens.’

Elizabeth Warren must immediately return to the Whippiitup Reservation Sweat Lodge from whence she came; because she has been deemed ecologically and ideologically impure by Her Most Exalted Excellency.

All Republican males, whether exuding methane gas or not, shall be arrested, condemned for grievous odorous harassment, and executed (because they are GUILTY!) by the Fartstoppo Stassi.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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