As all our readers know, the The Spoof is politically neutral as it hates all politicians, although we do reserve particular ire for Tories. So, in the last faltering days of weak and stable Theresa Maybot's premiership, it's time for The Spoof's political editor, Paxton Quigley, to evaluate the contenders for the leadership of both the Conservative & Unionist party and of our benighted country.
David "Dumbo" Davis. Ah, Dumbo, such a nice chap, such a waste of space. One of two ex-Brexit secretaries so far, his civil servants claimed that he was scared to set foot in Brussels and in fact only made it there twice during his two year tenure. In 2002, Davis had warned “We should not ask people to vote on a blank sheet of paper and tell them to trust us to fill in the details.” With good reason, because the person the country might be relying on for those details could be him and he had advised a colleague that he had not been appointed for his intellect. Dumbo's inability to answer even the simplest question on his brief made that absolutely clear.
When the going gets tough, the Brexiteers walk away and he beat Bozo Johnson to it shortly after signing up to and then repudiating the "Chequers" agreement.
Mighty Mikey Gove. Oh yes, the man who told us "the country's had enough of experts" as he laid waste to the education system and campaigned to ruin the economy through Brexit. I don't know about you, Mikey, but I'd rather be treated by a doctor or have children taught by a teacher, than by someone who has no expertise at all. Mikey is supposed to be an intellectual heavyweight in the Tory party, which doesn't say much, but when the IMF, the Treasury, economists, the CBI, motor manufacturers, farmers, scientists, the TUC and the NHS all say this Brexit thing is a disaster, isn't it time to stop pretending you know best?
Bozo Johnson. Where to start? Serial liar, incompetent, racist, rabble-rousing adulterer and buffoon who is the Tory grassroots darling apparently. Throughout his so-called political career which seems to have been no more than an attention-seeking naked quest for power, Bozo has managed to insult the people of
Liverpool, ethnic minorities with terms such as "water melon smiles", "piccaninnies" and "letter boxes", Donald Trump (good work) and had to be restrained by a foreign office official from reciting Kipling's colonial poem "Mandalay" while visiting Burma.
As Mayor for London (by the way London isn't a circus and nor is government, so a clown should not run it) he wasted £40 million of unauthorised expenditure on his vanity Garden Bridge project (Isn't this a crime?) and bought a worthless water cannon to turn on citizens which was sold for scrap for £11,000. As Foreign Secretary he was so disinterested in anything but guiding us to the "sunlit uplands" of Brexit that he couldn't be bothered to learn about Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe's situation in an Iranian gaol and exacerbated her predicament through his stupidity.
British diplomats broke out the bubbly the day he resigned from the Maybot's cabinet and apparently he is the subject of a Scottish Tory campaign to prevent him becoming leader. This is appropriately named "Operation Arse".
Deadly Dominic Raaab. A black belt in some martial art or other, so we'll tread carefully. Perfectly suited for this job, in view of his disastrous admission at Tech Nation in November that he didn’t understand ‘how reliant UK trade is on the Dover-Calais crossing’. He then had his civil servants telephoning around all the newspapers and broadcasting media to assure them that the so-called Brexit secretary did indeed understand that Britain is a group of islands and hadn't failed GCSE Geography.
His subsequent resignation from the post inspired The Guardian to say "somebody nobody has heard of has resigned from a job nobody knew he had."
Jacob Rees-Smug. The member for the 18th century, committed Christian and a true man of the people. Who else could say that he finds food banks "rather uplifting" with true sincerity and believe there is nothing wrong in so doing? He is so far up himself with his Dad's Army ERG that he truly thought he had the numbers to topple the Maybot with "no personal ambition" but somehow his merry men's letters got lost in the post. Tsk! Of course JRM wows the Tory faithful with his unerring devotion to the god of Brexit, which he admits might take 50 years to show any benefit, so much so that his financial services company has opened a branch in Dublin to ensure access to the EU market. Get thee behind me, hypocrite!
The Spoof's verdict. Who gives a shit which one of these fantasists or incompetents gets to lead the Tories? Whoever it is, they will be fucked for a generation.