It is not often that we at The Spoof are victims of hoaxes, fraudulent behaviour or what the great unwashed call "scams", but in the case of so-called Dr. Quigley I feel it is behoven upon me to apologise for his sexually obsessed articles and gratuitous behaviour.
The Spoof is a reputable news organ and we thoroughly research the material which we produce, and we vet our employees and their qualifications. In "Dr." Quigley's case, we seem to have been less than thorough in our approach, for which I am truly sorry, and I have dismissed our Human Resources Manager, Miss Diane Foritt, who was complicit in taking Quigley on board. She apparently has a close personal connection to Quigley.
It was only when the General Medical Council began to receive complaints about Quigley's malpractice that his deviant behaviour and abuse of his position were drawn to our attention. The complaints were manifold and included inappropriate advice on sexually transmitted infections, unwarranted internal examinations for ingrowing toenails, laughing at men with small penises and non-artificial insemination by Quigley in person, many of which resulted in pregnancy.
When Quigley presented his qualifications from Hootenanny Moonshine Medical School of Backwoods, Tennessee, I must admit I was impressed. When he later told me he was also a Fellow of the Guatemalan College of Gynaecologists I believed that he was uniquely qualified to answer readers' health and sexual problems and his first contributions were informative and entertaining, if a little bit quirky. My suspicions were aroused however, when my secretary complained to Quigley that she had a sore throat. Later that day, I found her in his office, stripped to the waist with Quigley examining her breasts.
Quigley has been summoned to appear before the General Medical Council on charges of malpractice and bringing the medical profession into disrepute, but he has refused to appear, saying that they have no jurisdiction over him as he is not a registered medical professional.