MAR-A-LAGO, Florida – (Satire News) – The local ABC News affiliate is reporting that Donald Trump was out sunbathing in his backyard, when he was suddenly and viciously attacked by a marauding swarm of angry cicadas.
Secret Service Agents were able to shoot at least 27 of the more than 50 that attacked the 75-year-old perpetual golfer.
A gardener who was trimming Trump’s Tunisian tulips told the ABC reporter that it was not a pretty sight, what with the 303-pound future inmate jumping up and down and yelling and screaming like a little schoolgirl.
The gardener stated that his fat boss kept yelling out mommy! Ivanka! Melania! and Hope!
It took about 12 Mar-a-Lago employees to lift up the Moby Dick-looking Trump, and load him onto the gardener’s work truck, and rush him to the emergency room at Our Lady of The St. Citrus Hospital.
Doctor’s told Mrs. Trump, that her husband had about 170 cicada bites all over his entire expansive body. One female doctor noted that several of the cicadas managed to bite both of his little balls as well as his under-endowed pecker.
A nurse said she heard Melania whisper to one of her Secret Service Agents that she had repeatedly warned "El Tubbo" many times about sunbathing in the nude.