Jagger in distress, cries for help in ICU while orderly accompanies him on guitar

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Wednesday, 12 May 2021

image for Jagger in distress, cries for help in ICU while orderly accompanies him on guitar
Jagger, well before he knew about the impromptu concert

Mick Jagger of the rock & roll band The Rolling Stones is in the ICU at London’s St. Thomas’ Hospital for an undisclosed malady.

Last evening, reportedly, Jagger was in despair and called out for assistance, but hospital staff mistakenly thought he was singing the song “Sister Morphine” and excitedly set up several chairs around Jagger’s bed for an impromptu mini-concert.

Orderly Billy Evans, 25, ran out to his car and returned with a guitar while another co-worker, Jason Stark 39, played percussion on an emptied waste can.

Mr. Jagger seemed relatively incoherent for the entire time, but staff assumed that Jagger was treating them to a bit of his stage persona. Nurse Sharon Hostecker explained “I started asking him ‘what’s wrong’ but Billy just laughed at me, saying ‘don’t you see what he’s doing?’ So, I really thought he wanted to put on a show for us! He’s a really nice guy and all – I knew that from earlier.”

From his flat in Peckham, Mr. Evans told us “sure I know Mick! My folks [have] been telling me all about him since I was a wee lad and I’ve seen vids too. Seemed to me he was performing and doing a right good job of it for a bloke in the ICU.”

The “concert” lasted approximately 12 minutes from what we gather, until Mick finally passed out. Nurse Hostecker explained: “He paused for a moment then started up again and I yelled out ‘Oh, it’s Louie, Louie!’ but Jason said ‘no way, that’s something else!’, well come to find out, that’s not even one of his songs! That’s when I suspected something was amiss. But oh, Louie, Louie! I've always loved that song and I always thought that was The Rolling Stones, but there ya go missy. I was wrong all that time! ”

Hostecker tells us the audience of approximately 12 people quickly dispersed while Billy and Jason played on for a few minutes before realizing that Jagger had left ‘the show’ so to speak. He’s reportedly in stable condition this morning.

Patients in adjacent rooms hooted in delight while calling for orderlies to wheel them into better positions to see the show.

Later on, staff members reported a strong smell of sulfur on the unit as a couple of patients had held lighted matches, calling for an encore. Evans claimed that Mr. Stark had also lit “a match or two” after the crowd had dispersed but when asked about this, Stark claimed he was simply trying to cover up for Evans, who, Stark claims was constantly passing gas the entire evening.

Jagger’s attorney would not speak on the record but did tell us he was looking into the possible activation of a performance agreement to be executed with hospital administration.

Mr. Jagger regained consciousness late this morning but refused to comment on this situation. His doctor expects that he’ll be out of the ICE later this afternoon. No word on additional performances but stay tuned! One member of hospital staff told us he thinks Mick's buddy Keith "could get wheeled in at any moment for all we know."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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