24 Hours in A&E: the Missing Episodes

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 26 April 2021

image for 24 Hours in A&E: the Missing Episodes
"Can somebody please extricate this man from me."

Hospital insider, Paxton Quigley, who wishes to remain anonymous, has revealed in confidence to The Spoof, how some episodes of 24 Hours in A&E were deemed unfit for public broadcast by the hospital, due to their graphic, deeply upsetting content and on the grounds of offending public decency, whatever that is. He spoke to our Entertainments Editor, Plagny Toxique.

“You know how each episode starts: This south London hospital is one of the most advanced hospitals in the world, blah blah blah…then you get small cameos of people sitting around playing Candy Crush on their phones and that’s just the staff. Then of course, it becomes more serious. Some little staff nurse eventually hears that red phone ringing and drags herself away from her phone and Facebook or Instagram, whatever, before announcing an ambulance is on its way. Then of course, for effect, you see an ambulance taking the scenic route around south London tourist attractions: Balham Sewing Machine Museum, Colliers Wood TK Maxx, Tooting Bec Lido, you know the kind of thing.

“But on several occasions there have been some unsavoury cases which would have shocked the public. Needless to say they were of an intimate nature but the patients didn’t object to their medical conditions being broadcast nationwide, after all doesn’t everyone want to be on TV? Despite that the hospital vetoed the episodes.

“One bizarre case saw a couple self-presenting, the woman with a badly bruised face and the man with serious bite marks to his genitalia. It seems that the pair was in flagrante delicto when the female decided to perform oral sex on him but unfortunately she had a brief epileptic fit while doing it and bit down hard. Very hard. Of course he had to try to fight her off.

“Then there was the case of an elderly man who was brought in with severe stomach cramps. On being X-rayed it turned out that he had an Errol Flynn size vibrator lodged in his descending colon. When questioned about it, at first he claimed to have been assaulted on Clapham Common by “a gang of youths” before admitting that he had lost the offending item some days before and couldn’t remember where he had left it. Anyway, removing the article required major surgery but now he is suing the hospital saying that after all our efforts he only wanted the batteries changed.

“The most mind-boggling incident saw two people being brought in on one ambulance trolley, locked together. It was a classic case of acute vaginismus, whereby the female’s lady parts have clamped tight on the male member and it can cause serious injury to the intruder, I can tell you. I have had a close call like this myself long ago with my teenage girlfriend but that’s another story. It turned out that the lady in question was a well-known local working girl and of course when the man’s next of kin, his wife, arrived in the department all hell broke loose. The man’s denial that he knew the woman in any way just wasn’t accepted, I mean she was still bent over the trolley with him in situ, so of course it wouldn’t wash, and they were like that for several hours until the lady was anaesthetised in order to prise him out of her.

“Now, I am sure you’ve seen those pieces where the relatives talk directly to camera and say what a wonderful person he/she is/was. Those scenes irk me with their mawkishness and make want to me reach for a sick bag. I always want the person to say that s/he was a sh*t and on this occasion the wife didn’t disappoint. I have some pithy quotes from her interview:

“He was a real dirty b*stard up until then. After a few pints of Gnatspisz Pils he’d shag anything that moved and I was forever down at the special clinic getting treated for what he’d picked up….Of course after his todger was starved of blood for several hours it got gangrene and I’m glad he’s had to have it amputated. That’ll teach him.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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