WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Fake News) - The Republican National Convention kicked off in D.C.’s Melonhead Auditorium with semi-fanfare.
CNN’s Jake Tapper noted that he has seen more excitement at a pap smear clinic.
He noted that Kimberly Guilfoyle and her boyfriend, Donnie Jr., for some reason, both gave their speeches as if they were at standing next to Niagara Falls.
Both were literally yelling at the top of their lungs, and, in Kim’s case, with her monstrous boobs, she certainly has the lung capacity for it.
Many pundits said that the only things Kimby was missing were the cheerleader pom-poms and a tiny skirt.
Wolf Blitzer noted that he had never seen so many black people at a Republican anything.
Dana Bash added that she counted 43, including ex-football star Herschel Walker, gay rapper Black Kitty Meow Meow, Vunamona Quintella Piffle, a Olympic snow skier, and little 12-year-old Willie Rink, who mows Kellyanne and George Conway’s lawn.
But the surprise of the evening was when a security guard caught Guilfoyle and Trump Jr. backstage French kissing each other.
Meanwhile, Melania was asked by Jake Tapper what she thought about the opening day of the convention.
She replied that she did not see it because she was watching a “Gilligan’s Island” rerun and a documentary on "The History of Lint.”