ESPY Awards 2020 - Worst Ratings Ever

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

image for ESPY Awards 2020 - Worst Ratings Ever
Award Presenter (former p0rn professional): "Ultra. Music. Festival... AWESOME!"

LOS ANGELES - Critics agree, the 2020 sports season has produced an unmatched display of preening, vanity, and unbridled narcissism among ESPN teleprompter readers. As an awards show, there were a large number of athletic sports celebrities in (Virtual) attendance, and they were an embarrassment as well. Although the Virtual Show had hosts wearing expensive fashions, and their hair and makeup looked fabulous, the phrase "phone it in" was perfectly defined by the "Awards Show" with nothing to see.

The ESPY 2020 Awards were pre-recorded, and featured no audience. There was no Red Carpet for guests, and no one could line up outside the gala to get a close up of dozens of celebrities. That would have been enough to screw the ratings for the majority of Hollywood producers. If only someone knew that COVID-19 forced everyone into Quarantine, then maybe "Zero Highlight Clips" wouldn't make people throw crap at TV screens everywhere.

    *** Nobody Played Any Games ! ***

Seriously?!!! Nobody WON Anything, but the TV producer has an Award? ... Nobody passed a ball, and nobody SCORED, but the TV producer has an Award? ... Award here. Award there. "Oh, I'm so HAPPY, and I want to thank everyone, like people who don't have dicks, or people with dicks and vaginas, or the people who only have dicks, but sign the checks from my really big multi-year contract!"

Many overlooked economic damage caused by governments mandating house-arrest for law abiding citizens. The sports-betting industry essentially lost $150 billion in business, compared to 2019. Oddly enough, selling Marijuana to large crowds was determined to be SAFE in the presence of the Wuhan Virus. The loss of gambling revenue from sports forced Dave Portnoy into high-risk world of day-trading. Once he realized that Stock Markets have NOTHING to do with Economics (Quarterly Earnings, Supply Curve, etc), Portnoy was able to bet on "Globalist Teams" and show a remarkable profit on his wagers. In contrast, professional athletes suffer lock-down in their million-dollar mansions, on a pittance of their million-dollar contracts.

In fairness to the grotesquely overpaid CEO's of media corporations, TV and bureaucracy jobs have continued with little damage from the pandemic which came from Wuhan, China. Why would anyone think a TV show would fail, when hair-stylists are 100% employed at CNN, MSNBC, and every other media outlet? If makeup and wardrobe teams are 100% employed to keep "journalists" picture-perfect for every appearance at a "protest", how could the shows of ESPN not have an audience?

The entire business of sports may disappear if the current conditions remain. ESPN might be able to make money again - IF they can duplicate the attractions of other media: reporting people throwing bricks at other people, looting of convenience stores, arson, vandalism, unwashed lunatics with signs screaming in public, and violent gangs threatening everyone they see. With enough blood, maybe ESPN will get the ratings to beat the other networks.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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