WASHINGTON DC - On a Tuesday morning, Iowa Democratic Party Chair, Troy Price, released a statement saying, "Our plan is to release results as soon as possible.... Our ultimate goal is to ensure that the integrity and accuracy of the presidential candidate selection for the Democrat party continues to be upheld." After a few minutes, Mr Price made his way to a remote second-floor break-room, and barricaded the door. Some of the volunteers working at the Democrat Caucus in Des Moines, Iowa suspect that problems with counting votes might be worse than what had been reported to the local media.
Chelsea S (Volunteer, Young American Democrats): "Troy seemed pretty calm when he first announced that precinct results were not available. He seemed confident when he said they didn't need to recount for a re-canvas district ranking. Troy was totally believable when he slowly said that everything was fine. Two minutes later, no one could find Troy."
"No More Iowa Caucus"
For decades, the Iowa Caucus has been accepted in determining US Presidential Candadates. However, "modernizing" the process through the use of a software app and telephone reporting has been a "total Mongolian Cluster-F*ck." Everything changed with this election year, and when Iowa Democrats were unable to (accurately) finish counting votes in less than a week, everyone asked "what the HELL is a Caucus?"
Voting for the "Internet Generation"
It's time for voting in politics to abandon the era of horse-and-buggy elections. It's time for REAL voting that isn't afraid of "Y2K." It's time to vote like people watching TV vote every week - American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Big Brother, and The Voice. Approximately 82% of registered Democrats agreed with the statement: "These Debates Are BULLS#1T." (Survey conducted two days after Iowa Caucus.)
Criticism of the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has been very harsh since the 2016 Super-Delegates "cheated" Bernie Sanders out of the chance to run for the office of US President. While "The Establishment" and Big-Money Donors for Hillary were seen as a bad influence in 2016, "grassroots" Socialists now see Mike Bloomberg as BUYING the Democrat side of the 2020 ballot for a "couple of Billion Dollars" (out of his $60 BILLION in personal wealth).
Julian P (Socialist Student Society): "It's so confusing. Democrat Tom Steyer is a Billionaire Lawyer with a Wall Street background. Elizabeth Warren was a Republican from Harvard in the 1990's, making her money as a Corporate Lawyer, but she wants to be a Democrat President. Michael Bloomberg has like TEN TIMES THE MONEY that Trump has.... All of them fly on private jets, and say they're saving the planet. I don't know why, but I feel like every politician is super-rich and just poops on me, and lies to me all day long."
Political consultants generally agree - the solution to the current problems in selecting candidates can be solved with Flashy Costumes and TV Hosts with Super-Model looks. Voters who have been informed, and given facts about candidate views on government policy cannot be trusted with the choice of WHO will get to control $4 TRILLION that Washington DC prints every year.
Using television for "The Masked Democrat 2020" will be EXACTLY what the United States needs to select a president. Furthermore, television media will provide the ONLY candidates that Americans, Mexicans, Drug Dealers, Chinese Spies, and "peaceful" Iranian Death-Squads should vote for. In fact, the CIA and NSA have offered unbiased ratings for "Best US President" (with a warning about how to spot anarchists and fascists by their slanderous claims of government misconduct and lies).
Former CIA officials are working at CNN, and have very important tips on how voters should pick TRUSTWORTHY candidates. John Brennan favored Masked Democrats with Big-Robot-Heads, Big-Panda-Heads, or ones that were Giant-Rainbow-Balls made of Fur. The favorite of James Clapper was Joe Biden (former Vice President), highlighting Biden's key strength as "even though Biden seems to be under the constant influence of mind-control devices or hallucinogenic drugs - he can ALWAYS be trusted to make the right decision."