Socialist Presidential Candidate Admits Stock Market Addiction

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Monday, 25 May 2020

image for Socialist Presidential Candidate Admits Stock Market Addiction

Norman Eugene Davidson, ten times candidate for president of the United States on the Socialist Party ticket, admitted today, in an editorial in the Socialist Call, that he has been a closeted stock market enthusiast all his adult life. The Call was immediately flooded with email from other socialists asking him for tips on the market.

"For years, I have been an avid fan of the CNBC, the financial channel, watching it from the opening bell until it closes at 4. My great fear is that some other member of the socialist executive committee would pop in unexpectedly before I could turn off the TV and wonder why I was watching that channel. Or, someone would arrive late in the day and ask to watch breaking news, turn on my set ... and there it is on the financial channel. My prepared excuse was that I needed some data on Trump's phony bull market."

Asked what stocks he owns, Davidson reluctantly admitted that he was into Amazon, Walmart and Home Depot. "But those companies are associated with some of the most right wing billionaires in the country," his questioner noted. "Yes, but they also pay the best dividends!" Davidson replied. "And the Socialist Party doesn't have a pension plan for old candidates."

Does he have a formula for buying and selling? Davidson said he once used Warren Buffet's rule of thumb, but he had garbled it over the years, and wasn't sure if it was buy on rumor or sell on rumor, so he gave it up. Instead, he charts stocks, but not always with great success. "I usually deal in dollar stocks, which was easy when we had the old American Stock Exchange, most of which were dollar stocks.

"There was Harn Corp., a stock that fluctuated regularly between one dollar and two dollars. Up one week, down the next, up again. Easy! Buy at one, sell at two. So I bought at one, and it went to zero. I thought the nursery products it sold were right for the time, as the single family home market was expanding vigorously. But it wasn't garden products, it was baby products, and the week I bought birth control pills went on the market."

What stock is he recommending today? Davidson hesitated. "I bought airline stock, expecting them to bounce back with the virus aid package. They did, and my stock went from 10 to 20, I was holding it for 30. The next day it was 9, as Warren Buffet announced he had sold all his airline stock."

"But this must disqualify you from being a socialist candidate again," suggested a Call editor. "Not in the least. With somewhat more shrewd investing, we socialists will have a campaign fund bigger than Trump's. How else can we beat him?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more