Ray Winstone Lands EastEnders Part

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 1 November 2019

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Ray Winstone, the star of the cult 1979 movie, 'Scum', and 2000's 'Sexy Beast', is to make a guest star appearance in the upcoming Christmas edition of BBC soap, EastEnders, it has been revealed. He will then become a full member of the cast.

Winstone, whose name most people can't say without wincing, played Carlin in 'Scum', a film about the terrible conditions prevalent in a borstal in the 1970s. It is a harrowing story.

Not half as harrowing as the miserable BBC soap, however, which is served up as predictably as prison gruel no less than four times during the week, with an ominous omnibus on Sundays.

Winstone plays Winston Cant, a hoodlum who has relocated from Bermondsey to Walford after hearing there was a decent pub in Albert Square. There is, and Cant walks into the Queen Vic, where he immediately hears Phil Mitchell talking about his son, Ben, and how he enjoys being a dad.

Cant casually goes over to the pool table, and puts two balls into a sock which, handily, he has in his pocket. Then he strides over to Phil, and smashes the sock into Phil's temple, sending him down onto the Vic's filthy carpet. Cant bawls:

"Arm the daddy nah! Nextoim, arl fackin killya!"

Phil takes note. When others ask Phil what happened, he says he "fell".

In another scene, Cant marches over to The Arches, and confronts Ben:

"Arm the daddy nah! Where's your daddy?"

Phil isn't around. He's in the East End, rounding up an army to take Cant down.

Cant is next seen in a local hardware store. He sees the proprietor, and demands:

"Where's y'tools?"

The proprietor, an old man of around 70 who remembers seeing 'Scum', runs away.

The EastEnders Christmas Day Special will be screened on BBC1 at 3:20pm, straight after Her Majesty the Fackin Queen's speech, you toerag!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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