Innovative Financing Company Offers Principal-Free, Interest-Only Cash "Gifts"

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 30 October 2019

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CCI is turning the lending industry on its head with interest-only cash gifts.

Tired of sending a huge chunk of your monthly income to pay the interest on loans while never seeing the principal even budge? Well, the innovative financing company Cash Cow, Inc., is disrupting the traditional lending business by offering principal-free cash gifts, which require only repayment of interest on the gift for a lifetime.

"CCI changed everything for me," said 42-year-old Noreen Bolton of Charleston, South Carolina. "I hated the idea of taking on a huge debt and never paying it back. Now all I have to pay is five percent interest every month on the ten-thousand-dollar gift I got from CCI. And I got the straight interest option, so it's not even compounded. It cost a little extra, but they just add that to my monthly payment."

Bolton explained that with her shaky credit score, it was unlikely she'd ever have been able to qualify for a regular loan, let alone at a five percent interest rate. "I feel really lucky," she said.

And, given that her parents died in their sixties, Bolton doesn't expect that her lifetime of interest payments will end up being decades and decades.

"If I were more health-conscious, it might not have been as good a bargain," she said. "But with the way I eat, I'm pretty sure I'll be getting the long end of that stick on this deal."

Interested in some quick cash with no strings attached? Contact CCI to find out what gift you're eligible for.

"I feel really good about making the economy work for Americans," said CCI founder Chris Armstrong, a former progressive political activist. "It's not quite universal basic income, but it's close."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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