Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

image for Joanne and Morgan's Guardian Blind Date Leads to Claim of Sexism
Sebastian and Tarquin "upset"

The participants of The Guardian Weekend’s most recent Blind Date column, Joanne and Morgan, got more than they bargained for after a highly successful evening out propelled the pair into the public eye, and resulted in a claim of sexism by The Guardian.

Guardian Blind Date: Joanne and Morgan

Joanne and Morgan's wild night out has led to a backlash from previous participants Sebastian and Tarquin, who have complained that their similar raucous evening of gay abandon was dropped from The Guardian Weekend magazine in "the name of public decency" and that The Guardian's action was sexist.

Joanne and Morgan described how they bonded over pasta and negronis at an east London restaurant before gatecrashing a “fateful house party”, with Joanne's evening’s awkward moment coming when she had to flee the party “leaving my knickers behind”.

However, Sebastian claimed to The Spoof's gossip columnist that his moment of embarrassment with Tarquin had been no less excruciating, and had led to them both receiving a police caution.

Joanne and Morgan's date, during which the pair both texted friends to say how brilliant the other was, became an internet hit, with readers tweeting in celebration, while Sebastian and Tarquin have been ignored.

Sebastian and Tarquin spoke candidly to The Spoof:

Tarquin: Well, as soon as I got to the restaurant table I could see that Sebastian was hot, hot, hot...and I was quivering at the knees.
Sebastian: Oh yes, I was up for it, and I complimented him on his three-piece suit and brogues. He told me he had gone commando for the night. Rascal...
Tarquin: ..and he didn't waste any time checking me out under the tablecloth.
Sebastian: You loved it.
Tarquin: You're right of course...and that's even before we got stuck into the Bailey's.
Sebastian: Yes, I do like a drop of Irish cream.
Tarquin: Stop it, you tease, I shouldn't have told you about my Irish antecedents. Well, we were well into our second bottle before the hors d'oeuvres arrived, and I think we were both a little queasy by then.
Sebastian: Yes, but nothing could stop us, we were on a roll. I don't think either of us managed to finish our main course, we were so desperate to get it on, and we were on the crème de menthe by then.
Tarquin; I'm not sure you're supposed to drink that in half pint glasses, but what the hell?
Sebastian: I think we managed to stagger into the pub next door, "The Stoat and Gobbler".
Tarquin: I don't remember the stoat.
Sebastian: Stop it. That's enough. He's so bad.
Tarquin: I have a vague memory of urinating in the street with my trousers around my ankles.
Sebastian: ...and then lying on a park bench shouting "Come and get me" I had to tell you to shut up.
Tarquin: Really? I thought that was you.
Sebastian: Well, we were on the late night tube back to Tarquin's place in West Hampstead when the train stopped at Finchley Road for a few minutes.
Tarquin: I don't remember this at all. You're making it up, you bitch.
Sebastian: Well, I was lying back in my seat with my eyes closed when suddenly I was tapped on the shoulder by a British Transport Police officer who asked if I was ok. Of course I was, but then OMG I realised that Tarquin was beside me on his knees and was unable to speak at that moment. The embarrassment...and we got a police caution too.

A spokesperson for The Guardian told The Spoof "What's the problem? Let's face it, everyone is more interested in reading about a couple of hot girls getting it on rather than a couple of old queens. It's human nature."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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