Monsanto’s First-Ever Genetically Modified Man Proves a Hit with Ladies

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 8 January 2019

image for Monsanto’s First-Ever Genetically Modified Man Proves a Hit with Ladies
Granted, GMO Joe hasn't got these abs, Monsanto admitted. "But he is Roundup-ready!"

The jury is in: Monsanto’s first-ever genetically modified human, who/which was first launched in 2016, and is the only living adult male officially certified to be Roundup-ready, has proven to be a solid hit with the ladies!

Monsanto first conceived of the genetically modified male, whom/which the world has come to know as "GMO Joe", as a means of boosting the struggling American economy. GMO Joe was to be the quintessential consumer of goods, a regular purchaser of everything from fast food and tech products to psychiatric medications and escort services.

And while some initially questioned whether the conventionally less-than-handsome genetically modified male specimen would ever actually need the Viagra with which he so avidly doses himself, reports from women around the country have now confirmed, to Monsanto's delight, that GMO Joe possesses a certain "je ne sais quoi" that makes him all-but-irresistible to the fairer gender.

“I was skeptical at first,” said organic-preferring buyer, Natalie Caine, of San Francisco, who was the first to test-date GMO Joe. “He’s chunky, for sure. But when he walks - which, granted, isn’t that often - he's got this kind of sexy waddle that really grows on you." She chuckled fondly. "More man to love, was how I came to see it.”

Another test-dater, Leslie Hayes of New York City, agreed. “In many ways, Joe's not that different from a lot of the organic men I know,” said Leslie. “He was very self-centered and talked a lot about himself. And he was pretty immature.”

What did impress Leslie, though, was the substantial number of medications that GMO Joe takes on a daily basis. "He had prescriptions for everything in the book," she reported. "High blood pressure, high cholesterol, seasonal allergies, anxiety, depression, you name it. He was a refreshing contrast to so many organic men I know, who don’t pay any attention whatsoever to their health. Not GMO Joe! He was extremely healthcare-conscious."

That being said, not all of GMO Joe's romantic interactions went smoothly. "He had a little trouble downstairs, if you know what I mean," said Brandi Starr of Park City, Utah. "Even the Viagra couldn't fully fix it."

Fortunately, said Brandi, she and GMO Joe managed to successfully improvise. “I don’t need actual intercourse. And Joe told me he'll eat just about anything." She blushed slightly. "You get where I’m going with this.”

Unfortunately for all of the ladies who have not yet had the chance to experience GMO Joe, time is of the essence; the very medical and psychological issues that make him/it such an unparalleled consumer also prevent GMO Joe from having the longest life expectancy.

“But on the plus side,” emphasized Monsanto President Brett Begemann, “he’s got an extremely long shelf-life. And don’t forget he’s Roundup-ready!”

Begemann went on to announce that Monsanto will be unveiling the first genetically modified baby, GMO Boo-Boo, in May of this year, just in time for Mother’s Day. "Be on the lookout!" he raved. "This tot's really going to be something."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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