Banks Are Stealing All Your Money

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 9 April 2020

image for Banks Are Stealing All Your Money
There were no obvious signs of anything underhand going on

News is emerging from a number of different sources that, under the very noses of millions of investors, banks are stealing the money they are supposed to be safeguarding.

The awful and difficult-to-believe news was first aired on a bus going in the direction of Hull city centre on Monday, when a scrawny-looking old bag said to the passenger sitting next to her:

"Ay eard the banks a-nickin all the money!"

The other passenger, a woman in her sixties, wearing a bit too much make-up, said:

"Ah know. It's terrorble, intit?"

The witness to this absolute bollox was Myke Woodson, 56, who was less than 6 feet away, but doesn't always do what the members of the government tell him to do. He said:

"I told my brother-in-law - my sister's husband - and he said he'd read the same thing on Facebook. I thought it might be prudent to go and have a look down at the bank."

At the bank, however, things seemed normal. There were few customers, of course, but that was due to the Coronavirus lockdown rules. According to Woodson, there were no lorries outside frantically being loaded up by bank staff, no safes being carried out, no loose banknotes fluttering about in the street, and no robbers standing guard with shotguns.

"Everything seemed ticketty-boo," he said.

But, he added, "there was a bit of a discrepancy with my account balance..."

Police are expected to investigate way too late.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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