CA Gov Urges Residents to Panic Buy and Hoard

Written by annerose

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

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April 1, 2020 (Sacramento, CA). California Governor Newsom has urged all CA residents to storm their local grocery and hardware stores to boost the economy and show support for local businesses.

He dismissed critics' concerns about violating social distancing protocols. "Listen," he said in an exclusive interview with the SacBee, "it is much more important that our residents get out there and buy, buy, buy everything they see, even if they don't think they need it, or don't know what to do with it, because they just might need it four months from now--and maybe even have a use for it. You can never stockpile or hoard too much."

He continued, "Just remember: we are all in this together, so make sure you get yours first."

According to the Bee, other states are adopting a cautious wait-and-see policy to see if Newsom's novel approach is successful, before they urge their states' residents to also panic buy and hoard.

Some states reported that their residents were already pursuing this policy without any government intervention.

President Trump was unavailable for comment because he was 'too busy' praying for calm. Fortunately, your SacBee is joining other media outlets in a lawsuit against Trump praying and violating separation of church and state.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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