New York Woman Finds that Hot Water with Lemon Reduces Her Kinky Sexual Cravings
Kim Davis, a 32-year-old woman living in New York City, was thrilled to discover that hot water with a squeeze of lemon substantially ameliorated her kinky sexual cravings. "Who knew?" she said. Always sexually adventurous, Kim had been troubl...
Read full storyMayan Chief Agrees To Pay For Wall: Expects Exclusive Human Sacrifice Rights
BILLINGSGATE POST: The ancient Mayans only surviving leader, High Chief Hokum, announced from his office in the Yucatan that he will pay for Trump's wall on the border of the United States and Mexico in exchange for any human sacrifice rights forth...
Read full storyNarcissist Buys St. Valentine’s Gift to His Image in a Mirror
Most people struggle with relationships, wondering if their partners love them, or if they’re being faithful. However, a local narcissist has expressed his disbelief that people would accept this as an accurate picture of true romance. Mostly because...
Read full storySearch For Ernest Shackleton Ship Abandoned After Everything Lost
A search for Sir Ernest Shackleton's ship, Endurance, lost in the icy floes of the Antarctic in 1915, has been called off after a piece of equipment critical to the search was also lost. After months of trying to survive in extreme conditions whe...
Read full storyThe Prince and the Car Crash
The Crown Prosecution Service has decided not do the one thing that’s in their actual name: prosecute a member of the Crown. The CPS (Cowardly Ponce Service - see what we did there?) have admitted that the Duke of Edinburgh won’t be prosecuted over h...
Read full storyIt's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's A Bat, man!
During a recent basketball game between the Indiana Pacers and the Los Angeles Clippers at the Banker Life Fieldhouse Arena, a confused bat was a surprising guest star. Seen by the crowd of thousands, it swooped down and flew in erratic circles, nea...
Read full story"Green New Deal me in," tweets man from his sweat stained La-Z-Boy
From his malodorous, perspiration stained recliner, Jerry Osborn took to Twitter today to announce his full-throated support for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal proposal. “Green New Deal me in, AOC,” tweeted Mr. Osborn. “I’m also g...
Read full storyTrump Signs Executive Order Requiring all Nuclear Reactors To Run on Coal
President Trump has signed an executive order with new Energy rules. The first is that all nuclear reactors must switch to coal as an energy source. Trump's new rules also require burning books to use for heat and energy, since, as Trump says, "n...
Read full storyMan's Valentine's Day Gift Went Unappreciated
A man who thoughtfully bought his wife a Valentine's Day gift of a new top-of-the-range toaster, has told of the negative way in which the gift was received. Malcolm Green, of Manchester, purchased the white, 2-slice toaster from a local electrica...
Read full storyMan Doesn't Understand Why He Can't Find Work
A gifted graduate from medicine school, with many other useful practical skills, cannot comprehend why he has, thus far, been so unsuccessful in the job market. Maris Radszcinszi studied Medicine for four years, and, when an opening didn't immedia...
Read full storyAuckland’s Mt Eden volcano blows its top at $50,000 fine for smoking in public.
$50,000 Fine. Please pay immediatelyVolcanoes in New Zealand have been grumbling at the Government’s constant annual walloping of smokers of raising prices by 10% every year. Volcanoes consider themselves original inhabitants of New Zealand, and have...
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