Kim Jong-un asks Angela Merkel Out on a Date
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un was reportedly seen standing under the German Prime Minister's bedroom window this morning playing a ukulele and singing the popular hit "Xs and Os." The fat tyrant is reported feeling very randy after swallowing...
Read full storyDr. Hannibal Lecter Describes How He Mounted Robert De Niro
BILLINGSGATE POST: Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the renowned cannibalistic psychiatrist and sometime taxidermist, spoke before the Board of Taxidermy at their international convention in Bora Bora last week describing how he mounted Robert De Niro prior to...
Read full storyTragedy As Graffiti Artists Hit By Freight Train
Darwinism strikes again as three graffiti artists have been hit by a freight train in Brixton. British Transport Police are treating the deaths as "unexplained" but a worker filling in an accident form at the scene was found to have filled in the...
Read full storyTurks Rally Round Tortured Puppy During Elections
Two warring factions in Turkey have both decided to use the brutal maiming of a helpless puppy to further their political agendas during the forthcoming elections. The tiny helpless pup with huge sad eyes practically handed itself to spindoctors o...
Read full storyToo Many Cooks Spoilt Broth
There were concerns for the future of an ancient Scottish hotel, as well as for the safety of its staff this morning, when it was revealed that guests there had staged a violent protest after having eaten the establishment's special hotel-made soup,...
Read full storyHunt Wants Vets To Treat 'Minor Cases' In NHS Reform
UK Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, Jeremy Hunt, has unveiled new plans for 'increased investment' in the National Health Service, but one area of the plans is set to be controversial. Mr Hunt's speech in the House of Commons highlig...
Read full storyVIVA ZAPATA!! No Bratwurst at the Nutters Beach Club or Sauerkrauts! Just tortillas and Burritos on Dia veinteuno!!
VIVA ZAPATA!! No Bratwurst at the Nutters Beach Club or Sauerkrauts! Just tortillas and Burritos on Dia veinteuno!! Our Chinese chief Chef, WAN-KIN-DIK, has created a superb dish for tonight's England bash: Sauerkrauts smothered in Red Hot Mexican chili peppers with his hard, spicy sausage as a dip! It promises to be a white-hot, combustible back-burner, and our bogs have been especially aired...
Read full storyBirdie Song Set To Invade Your Brain Again
It was the soundtrack to 1981, the backdrop to an entire summer of crazy 'wing-flapping' on the dancefloor, and probably the worst record you ever heard, but the Birdie Song by The Tweets is up for re-release next month. Originally written in the...
Read full storyDentist Does Pain Free Implants While Patient Waits
A Bloomington, Minnesota masochist dentist, Hotep Whip, is offering obtuse faux patients the chance to sit in a waiting room and listen to actual patients screaming and writhing in agony while getting dental treatment. The cost for the faux patient...
Read full storyMan Decides to Quit Drinking After Company Party
After becoming cognitively confused, pissing in his pants, throwing up all over the place, and saying things to his co-workers that he couldn't remember the next day, local Iowa man, Richard Head, has finally decided to quit drinking. "It just...
Read full storyHannibal Lecter Questions Chimpanzee Plastic Surgery Procedure
Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE, I read your recent story about Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon team who successfully altered the facial features of Mr. St. James Davis so that he now resembles a zombie. Needless to say, I was fascinated by your account. I have some questions about their procedures: 1. Why did Mr. Davis request that the operation take place during his son's bi...
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