Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 18 June 2018

After becoming cognitively confused, pissing in his pants, throwing up all over the place, and saying things to his co-workers that he couldn't remember the next day, local Iowa man, Richard Head, has finally decided to quit drinking.

"It just isn't working out for me anymore!" Richard recently told our news reporting staff.

"Alcohol provides social lubrication in certain circumstances, but it's not a good way to get through life."

Mr. Head further confessed that his invitation to the Company Party was a "set-up."

"Yeah, they knew I was going to drink a lot, and that's why they invited me."

When asked how he was going conduct his life after this extremely traumatic incident, he responded by saying, "I'm a strong person, and I know how to move on. I'm just going to get back to my regular routine and pretend that nothing happened."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Local, Alcohol, asshole




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