Pavlonian Media Taught To Slobber When They See A TelePrompter
BILLINGSGATE POST: Like many great scientific advances, classical conditioning was discovered accidentally. Like Pavlov, President Obama discovered that his running dog media would begin to salivate whenever he entered the room, even when he was no...
Read full storyConservative Party Manifesto 2015
(Or, actually what Cameron meant to say but didn't, being the gentleman that he is and everything.) "Over the last five years, we have placed our country, according to our business partners' demands, in the U.S. and elsewhere, under total bureaucr...
Read full storyBigot Parents Are Having Yet Another Baby
Chepenseki, TENN.-- Local morons , Roy and Teri Rosheen, have had yet another child. According to local sources, the couple plans on naming the creation something "unique" like "Unique" or "Randy". The precious and soon to be dimwitted child is t...
Read full storyPresident Obama Issues Executive Order, Combining ATF, USDA, GMOs and Climate Change
WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama issued an executive order today, directing the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) to be combined into one department. Mr. Obama's spokesman, T...
Read full storyGeorge R. R. Martin's Wife Threatens To Divorce Him If He Kills Off Littlefinger
In what could be one of the direst threats writer George RR Martin has received in recent times, his partner of 30 years, and wife for 4, Paris Mcbride has threatened to leave him if his sixth installation of the wildly popular A Song Of Ice And Fire...
Read full storyAfter Zayn Malik's exit, Justin Bieber to join One-Direction
Millions of pre-teen girls were left heartbroken and teary-eyed after teen pop star Zayn Malik's hugely publicised departure from boy band One-Direction (not to mention the millions of parents who were left relieved and grateful). But the band, it se...
Read full storyIndian Man Consumes Chowmein, Turns Into Raging Rapist
Ram Singh Tharki, a resident of Gurgaon, had no idea what was in store for him when he set out for his usual haunt, Kakke Da Dhaba, and ordered a plate of extra spicy chow mein. On consuming a spoonful of the chow mein, Tharki had an irresistible...
Read full storyReindeer on strike, Santa decides to hire Uber to deliver presents
Startling developments have been underway at the North Pole, recently. Days after the elves resigned, after elf leader, Cedar Snowfluff, took offence at being mistaken for a leprechaun by a drunk Santa, the reindeers have now followed in the elves' s...
Read full storyNepal earthquake: China blames Dalai Llama fracking ops
Beijing, China - Vast crude reserves beneath Mount Everest are being harvested by the head of Tibetan Buddhism's hydraulic fracturing operations triggering earthquakes and aftershocks. According to the Beijing-based Who Flung Dung investigative t...
Read full storyLetter of Recommendation for Fledgling AA Member
April 27, 2015 To Whom It May Concern: Hello, my name is Anomny S., and I am Claire's sponsor in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Claire asked me to write this letter to provide proof of her involvement in AA to assist the judge make a favorable determination in her case. I am bound by honesty, to myself and to my higher power, which I have found through The Program. With that...
Read full storyDiane "Duane" Sawyer Also Outed At Big Jenner Interview."
Malibu, CA - Production Assistant, Alicia Glitz, was just trying to scratch her way up to the mid-level ranks of the hair and make-up department, in the dog-eat-dog entertainment industry, when she scored a job on the big Bruce Jenner interview, with...
Read full storyIowa Man With Facial Blindness Deemed America's Most Romantic!
Des Moines, Iowa - Old Harold Grandy, 76, wasn't know for much in this sleepy little hamlet in western Iowa, but now he can hold his chin up high, as he has been crowned: The Most Romantic Man in America! And for a man who has struggled through the...
Read full storyChipoltes Bans Employees From Getting Inoculated
DENVER, CO - Chipoltes's Co-Chief Executive Officer, Monte Moron, announced today that Chipoltes will no longer employ anyone who has been inoculated. That announcement came on the heels of Chipoltes huge public-relations success of banning geneti...
Read full storyBritish Secret Service forced to change name under Trade Descriptions Act
A copy of a leaked document shockingly suggests that the British Secret Service may soon be forced to change its name under the Trade Descriptions Act. Apparently, the number of secrets held by the department has fallen to an all-time low and a na...
Read full storyUK Search and Rescue Team fail to locate Nepal
24 hours after their departure, the UK's premier search and rescue organisation, The Hampstead Heath Search and Rescue Sunday Club, have been forced to return home after failing to locate Nepal. Upon learning of the catastrophic earthquake in Nepa...
Read full storyAuntie Jean Advises Tara McClosoff From The Isle Of Wight On Showing Off Her Pubic Hairs
Tara: Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
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