Celebrity Seniors Seek Seniority in Organ Transplantation
Should Hugh Hefner get a dead person's working kidney to replace his own faulty one just because he's a national treasure? Yes, according to a group of senior celebrities led by Betty White. "We even think non-celebrities who are elderly should be...
Read full storyBrady the Sequel to Follow Tom Brady in Foxboro
Brady Quinn may be the biggest loser of the Peyton Manning sweepstakes. Yes, all eyes have watched Peyton going through the practice motions before the all-knowing eye of John Elway. Watchers in the thorny world of the NFL have gazed upon Tim T...
Read full storyManhattan Woman Takes Crappy Job to Pay Bills
In a move that horrified her spiritually-minded friends, 32-year-old Kim Lewiston, who resides in New York's East Village, decided to take a crappy job in order to pay her mounting bills. The decision did not come easily to Kim, who's always been...
Read full storySex-Addicted Apes Facing Extinction, Have Sex Every Few Minutes
The Bonobo "Whoopee" Apes in the Democratic Republic of the Congo are becoming extinct even though they have sex every few minutes, even while they're eating. "It is an amazing fact", stated Penelope Swinger of one Bonobo Sanctuary in the central...
Read full storySantorum: I Will Tax Woodies, Condoms, Semen
RED BANK, NJ (AP) While stumping in New Jersey, Rick Santorum (R-13th Century) proposed new legislation that he says will simultaneously reduce abortions, pay off the national debt, and promote traditional marriage. The new law, titled "Life Begins a...
Read full storyD L Misty On The History Channel's New Mini-Series
I have been charged with the solemn duty of reporting to you on the new mini-series which will be aired on television's History Channel from next week, entitled Extreme Patisserie in HD. It was the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard who said: 'Patisserie must be eaten forward, but it can only be understood backward.' Whereas it was Henry Ford the motor car salesman who said: 'Patisse...
Read full storyUS Bar That Sold "Irish Car Bomb" Drink On St Patricks Day To Market "Twin Tower Cocktail" on Sep 11
The Lauderdale Grill in Fort Lauderdale Florida has announced it will serve Twin Tower Cocktails every September 11 to commemorate the victims of the attacks on the World Trade Center after receiving nothing but praise for advertising their $6 "Irish...
Read full storyInvisible Children Co-Founder Suffers Invisible Underpants Embarrassment
Jason Russell, the co-founder of the 'Invisible Children' charity behind the "Kony 2012" video that went viral on youtube, is set to launch a sister charity called 'Invisible Underpants' and release a video about the embarrassing phenomenon of disapp...
Read full storyWhen Irish Eyes Are Bloodshot - The Terrible Truth About St Patrick's Day
Health Chiefs today advised that the real reason why so many Irish people, and people of Irish descent have bloodshot eyeballs is mainly because it's Saint Patrick's Day, and most will have been guzzling alcoholic beverages with unbridled gusto since...
Read full storyRupert Murdoch tells how he almost closed down Man United
Rupert Murdoch has revealed how he considered closing down Manchester United after recent embarrassing results, before Charlies Angel wife Wendi pointed out that he doesn't own them. Writing on twitter yesterday he declared "Getting old, was going...
Read full storyLady Macbeth hexoplasm a grim Mother's Day Omen-II
London - Some spectral hexoplasm shaped like a sleepwalking Kate Middleton has slid out from the Queen's vagina sending terrified royal flunkies stark raving bonkers. The apparition emanated in the monarch's bedchamber close to midnight after a tr...
Read full storyZimbabwean Big Game Hunter Plugs Rampaging Bull Elephant With Pellet Gun In Southampton
The last of the Zimbabwean big game hunters, Clayton LeMoors, one time sausage vendor based in Portsmouth but living in Southampton was called in today by Hampshire Constabulary to deal with a rampaging bull elephant situation, in Above Bar, Southamp...
Read full storyBend & Jerry's Introduces "Apple-y Ever After", "Chubby Buddy" To Celebrate Legal Gay Marriages!
The famous Bend & Jerry's nationwide ice cream empire are adding a few new flavors in celebration of new legal marriages in their home state of Vermont. "We think that this is the right move towards civil rights for everyone", stated Bend. "So...
Read full storyAsk them greedy corporate mercenaries
Although our stomach is well-equipped with a mechanism against gastric acid, sometimes its mucus gets badly hurt, allowing the acid to penetrate, violating a code of conduct called discipline. Earlier this week Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, 38, married, two children, aged 3 and 4, twice injured in combat, with an exemplary military record, is accused of killing 16 Afghan villagers, some children. B...
Read full storyRachel Allen Celebrates St Patrick's Day With Some Zingy Hot Irish Sauce
Top blonde Irish telly chef Rachel Allen celebrated St Patrick's day today by smothering her breasts in hot zingy chilli sauce, in an innovative recipe suggestion sent in by avid fan, Martin Shuttlecock. "I was in a bad mood when I woke up this mo...
Read full storyThe Sun Sweeps The Board In Today's Piffle Prize Awards With More Underwear Related Nonsense
"If you are a big fan of underwear, stars in their underwear, or even Z-List celebs in their underwear, then you need look no further than today's edition of The Sun," guest speaker, Pixie Lott told an enthralled audience at today's Piffle Prize Awar...
Read full storyLocal Man Uses Saint Patrick's Day As A Convenient Excuse To Get Bladdered Again
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed that he would probably get utterly, spasmodically, terminally bladdered to hell and back today, because it's Saint Patrick's Day. "It's traditional innit," Shuttlecock announced. Long suffering wife...
Read full storyMan United To Play Like Athletic Bilbao In Title Run-In
CARRINGTON - Man United insiders have revealed that Man United are to model their Premiership title charge on the team who finally booted them unceremoniously out of European competition. Athletic Bilbao. Sir Alex Ferguson offered no excuses fo...
Read full storyGrumpy Yorkshireman Plans Chips N Gravy Airdrops For Syrian Rebel Forces
Grumpy Yorkshire 'Chips N Gravy' campaigner, Ken Mither, 69, of Cleckhuddersfax has announced plans to airdrop emergency supplies of chips and 'proper' gravy to beseiged Syrian rebel fighters in the city of Homs. Announcing his plan in a press con...
Read full storyQueen mudder abducted by Alien Skoob1999!
LONDON (ABSNN)-Our beloved queen mudder was abducted by the nefarious skoob1999, an alien from the planet Marz Friday evening at 2335 GMT. She was attending séance at the West London home of Ms. Sarah Alton, a little know, but exceptional Physical M...
Read full storyLocal Man Gets Up Early - Denies Bed-Wetting
Just in, like Justin, the man with the one inch willy - local man Martin Shuttlecock appears to have changed his ways, turned over a new leaf, done it all for Jesus, and probably pissed the bed, (Although he vehemently denied the charge) as it was an...
Read full storyMitt Romney Excommunicated by Mormon Church! Becomes a Methodist
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH (ABSNN) - Mitt Romney, the front runner in the chase for the Republican nomination for President of the United States was excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormons, after it was revealed Sat...
Read full storyMeghan McCain Talks About Sarah "Snowflake" Palin, Ann "Giddy Up" Coulter, and Rush "Limpy" Limbaugh
LOS ANGELES - Meghan McCain, the daughter of Senator John McCain and his elderly Barbie-looking wife Cindy McCain appeared on the daytime talk show The View. She talked about her latest political tell-all book titled My Days and Nights On The 2008...
Read full storySpoof Writer Goes From Gags to Riches
London UK: Harry Phelps on his way to work at "The Spoof" was nearly hit by a chauffeur driven Bentley, as he stepped off the curb in front of the Bank Street Underground station. Harry was dusting himself off and cursing that he had looked to th...
Read full storyArchbishop of Canterbury Thomas à Becket to be assassinated in December by four drunken knights; ridding kingdom of "that turbulent priest" and creating yet another 'Martyr Stop & Shop' for the British tourist industry
Thomas à Becket, 52, was appointed the Archbishop of Canterbury in 1162. In a statement on his website, the head of the 85 million-strong Anglican Communion said serving as archbishop had been "an immense privilege". He said that news of his...
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