Just in, like Justin, the man with the one inch willy - local man Martin Shuttlecock appears to have changed his ways, turned over a new leaf, done it all for Jesus, and probably pissed the bed, (Although he vehemently denied the charge) as it was announced that he was up and about before eight am this Saturday morning.
Drinking coffee, smoking fags, and coughing his lungs up, as usual.
But significantly earlier.
"It's nerves," Shuttlecock explained, as he went to put the kettle on again. "What it is, right, is that I've agreed to interview Spoof legend Colonel Juan for me You Tube television internet picture channel - with proper sound and stuff - but I haven't got the Colonel's permission, or his agreement to take part. Yet. I reckon a bottle of Chianti might sort it, but you never know with the Colonel. He can be a bit moody. Like the wife really. But at least he doesn't hit me with bats and stuff, so he should be easier to interview. The thing is, that we haven't rehearsed anything, so it's all going to be a bit off the cuff - and it all depends on whether or not he falls for the old bottle of Chianti ruse."
Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, upon awakening in a piss flooded alleyway near London Waterloo railway station, told us this morning that the Shuttlecock/Colonel Juan interview will almost certainly take place at some point this weekend.
"What the f...oh hello there. Where am I?" he said, brushing pigeon droppings from his sleeve. "Erm....yes...the Shuttlecock/Colonel Juan interview live on Ewe Toob - as far as I can tell, it's all systems go. I've had a word with Juanita, the famous wonky eyed Oriental nurse, and she related to me that the Colonel was well up to the task in hand. It ought to be a resounding success and reach at least half a dozen viewers around the globe. A bit like the legendary Frost/Nixon interviews from the 1970's but with far less public interest."
At which point, Ginslinger took off chasing a milk float down by the London Eye, entreating the milkman to "Sell us a pint o' milk ya bastard!"
In the meantime, Shuttlecock was, we are reliably informed, holed up in his lonely Hampshire garret, tapping away on a laptop and churning out prodigious amounts of pure and utter shite.
Working under the pretext that at some point he'll actually get up off his lazy arse and take long suffering wife, Anne, a bit of breakfast in bed.
Anne Shuttlecock was unavailable for comment, as she was last seen tossing and turning in her sleep as she dreamt about staying in a hotel somewhere in Goa, with a twenty foot reticulated python hiding in the wardrobe.
God only knows why.
The Shuttlecock/Colonel Juan Two interview will possibly take place this weekend, and might be featured on Loose Women on Monday, although potential viewers are advised not to hold their breath.
More as we get it.
