Santorum: I Will Tax Woodies, Condoms, Semen

Funny story written by bob42

Saturday, 17 March 2012

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Condom use will incur 250% sin tax

RED BANK, NJ (AP) While stumping in New Jersey, Rick Santorum (R-13th Century) proposed new legislation that he says will simultaneously reduce abortions, pay off the national debt, and promote traditional marriage. The new law, titled "Life Begins at Erection" would enact a per-incident penis tax on erections.

Santorum campaign spokesman, Cardinal Ignatius Glick, detailed the plans at a midnight press conference/mass. "Every adult male will be required to use a permanently installed erection detection device, surgically implanted at the base of the penis. The erection detector will count and report erections to the IRS via Wi-Fi connection."

After the audience stopped laughing, the Cardinal continued, "This Blessed and patented Vatican technology can not only reliably detect even partial erections, it also detects condom use and ejaculation, each of which is subject to 250% sin tax surcharge. To promote traditional marriage, males who were married in a church would be exempt from the ejaculation tax, and married couples would be entitled to a sliding ejaculation tax credit. The amount of the credit, a maximum of 75%, would vary depending on the number of children they produced."

The Cardinal reiterated the campaign promise that a Santorum administration would not rest until every person in the country was forced by law to be as sexually repressed as he is. "People need a strong authoritarian government to ensure that they live a guilt filled life, in accordance with our exclusively correct absolute morality."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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