European Union Installs Sir Jeremy Paxman as Greek Premier
In a surprise announcement at tonight's EU summit in Brussels Sir Jeremy Paxman - the popularly churlish BBC interrogator - has been appointed head of the Greek government. Head of the EU Mme Christine Lagarde said Sir Jeremy was the ideal candida...
Read full storyDid Obama Attend Columbia? Has He The Power To Cloud Men's Mind So That They Cannot See Him? The Shadow Knows
BILLINGSGATE POST - Very very strange. No one has ever came forward from Obama's past saying they knew him, attended school with him, dated him or was his friend. Why doesn't anyone in Obama's college class remember him? Looking for evidence o...
Read full storyArsene Wenger hits back in war of words with President of Rwanda
Arsene Wenger has faced a barrage of criticism for Arsenal's poor performances in 2012 from fans and journalists alike, but now people in high places want him out. Paul Kagame, president of Rwanda, has called on the long-time Arsenal manager to give...
Read full storyBueller Sightings Continue, Broderick and Ruck Seen at Blackhawks Game
Honda's Ferris Bueller spoof may not be the only commercial planned for the Broadway star and his former cast mates, as Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck and Mia Sara were seen at a recent Chicago Blackhawks game in full Bueller costume. Abe Frohman mi...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Reportedly Hospitalized With 'Texting Fatigue'
LOS ANGELES - The year 2011 was definitely a year of ups and downs for Miley Cyrus, the 19-year-old singer who became nationally known for her starring role on the Disney Channel's Hannah Montana. During the summer Miley had a bad planking experie...
Read full storyWorld leaders scuffle in Davos
Drama overshadowed the end of the talks between world leaders last night when a fight broke out between leader of the Daleks Mr Derek Davros and French Prime Minister Nicolas Teacozy. World leaders had met in Davos for the four day summit aiming t...
Read full storySteven Hawkins in Animal cruelty probe
Esteemed space pervert Prof Steven Hawkins has been under investigation by animal rights groups. The shock revelation comes as no surprise as the prof has been on a downward spiral of self destruction that would put Charlie sheen to shame. Hawkins...
Read full storyTransfer Window: Man City offer neighbours Tevez in exchange for Paul Scholes
As the transfer window nearly slammed shut today, Man City shocked the world of football today when they offered neighbours Man United old player Carlos Tevez in exchange for Paul Scholes. Scholes made a successful return to the United team after...
Read full storyPalin Stumps for Gingrich, Newt's End is Near
Poking her uninvited nose into one more media hype cycle, Sarah Palin has announced her staunch support of fellow conservative, Newt Gingrich, just in time for the Florida primary. With a political win-loss record of 0-2, Palin somehow felt that h...
Read full storyThe Hank Williams Jr., - Ellen DeGeneres Feud Is Getting Hotter Than A Summer Day In Yuma, Arizona
LOS ANGELES - The average temperature in Yuma, Arizona, during the summer month of July is 107 F. But the temperature between the feud between country artist Hank Williams Jr. and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres is most assuredly a few degrees higher...
Read full storyThe World in 2012
What will the world be like in 2012? Now we have an idea, but in the past people could only wonder. In 1912, a group of leading scientists wrote a book about their predictions for the world 100 years into the future. Their conjectures cover everyday life, global politics, society and new inventions that may exist. The book, entitled "The World in 2012", was lost long ago but has recently been redi...
Read full storyPortsmouth FC players sent into town with begging bowls!
The players of Portsmouth FC, one of the oldest football clubs in the UK, have had their afternoon training sessions cancelled because the chairman has demanded that players go out and beg for their money. Portsmouth owe a substantial amount to th...
Read full storyPope to star in his own sitcom
The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will star in his own television sitcom, to be based on the Pope's everyday life. The Pope will write the script, as he is a keen comedy writer. The Pope has been doing standup comedy for a few years...
Read full storyLondon riots to be used as opening ceremony for olympics
The hugely popular London riots will be brought back in time for the Olympic games a senior organiser said today. It is hoped the new Riots will be the centre piece of the opening ceremony. It really is a testament to the British peoples spirit th...
Read full storyCosta Concordia captain worried about fresh claims
The captain of the ill fated Russian spy ship the Costa Concordia (ogromnyĭ korablʹ) faces fresh allegations as divers find no evidence of any trapped Irish immigrants below decks. The investigating authority said in a statement released yesterday...
Read full storySayings of Biblical Mothers
David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more stray animals! Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper Martha! Have you got ants in your pants? Why can'...
Read full storyCon dems 50% reduction in ghost and spectre budget
The coalition government today announced a severe reduction in the Ghost and spectre budget. A drop of nearly [strong£20.00 from last years budget of just over £41.00. Speaking from His under ground lair, David Cameron confirmed the decision "we ha...
Read full storyJoey Barton's uncle is a "Homo-sapien"!
Pro soccer player, amateur sleuth, ex-con, the new "Mon Dieu" (Eric Cantona for non-soccer fans and people who have had their heads in the sands for the last decade) and super philosopher, Joey Barton, has admitted that his uncle is a "Homo-Sapien"!...
Read full storyDark matter discovered in Yorkshire town - council cuts crap on night time dog fouling
Huddersfield Council in northern England are fed up to the teeth of complaints about nocturnal emissions of the canine kind. It seems that people are allowing their best friends to litter the pavements with dog logs. Theresa Green, an ex-peace cam...
Read full storySpanza47b. (Part Three)
"Anyways, I gets back to rand abaat where I knows the flying saucer is. Problem mate. Where's the bleedin' flying saucer? Spanza47b's switched on this invisible mode fing, if that's the correct word like, 'cause 'ow am I s'posed to know abaat such fings? Well I'm standin' there on the sand wiv me slippers 'n' me socks in me 'ands tryin' to figure out 'cisely where bleedin' fing is like. A few oth...
Read full storySnack box creator in shock outburst
The creator of healthy foods snack box has candidly spoken out about his multi million pound idea, with the shock revelation "Its just squirrel shit really" The snack box guru was secretly taped at his luxury farmhouse in Suffolk. Thinking he was...
Read full storyLeigh Van Bryan and Emily Bunting compensation could run to $$$ millions
Birmingham - It's been billed as an ironic twist on John Cleese's notorious 'Sole reason for visit' response to a US visa questionnaire about 'Are You Planning To Overthrow The United States Government By Force?' And it could be a very lucrative d...
Read full storyBlu-Tack named "most important piece of equipment" on the ISS
The international space station is full of technical wizardry from robot arms to state of the art telecommunication devices. The cost of a pen on the ISS runs into thousands of dollars with decades of research leading to its manufacture. So which...
Read full story2012 Olympics: Tube Workers Reject Pay Offer - Binmen Demand Deal
Following the news that London's Tube workers have rejected the offer of a £500 bonus for turning up for work during the Olympics, another union is demanding extra pay. Explaining that his members' position wasn't at all bloody-minded or grasping,...
Read full storyThe Dregs of History (7) Wurzel of Clutton
Wurzel of Clutton (952 - 1000) Wurzel of Clutton lived in the time of Ethelred the Unready. He was regarded as a philosophical great by one or two of his fellow drinkers at the Harvester's Arms. He was a farmhand who worked cultivating barley, but only when he wasn't in the Harvester's Arms. Research of the parish records of the time indicate that he had a reputation for being lazy and wastef...
Read full storyMaybe Corporate Personhood is a Good Thing ... ??
No, no, really (he says, doing his very best, over-the-top, under-the-weather Ricky Gervais). Bear with me for a sec. If those who advocate for corporations to be persons (*cough* *hack* -- the 1%) follow through consistently with their political beliefs (granted, with Gingrich and Romney as standard-bearers, not very likely - but this is my satirical piece, so let me finish) … Anyways, if corp...
Read full storyExclusive! Peter Stringfellow and Pippa Middleton love trysts: 'I like a bit of rough' she says
No readers, your eyes do not deceive you! Nightclub mogul and renowned lothario, Peter Stringfellow has been secretly wooing Prince Williams's sister-in law and renowned arse, Pippa Middleton for several months now, and those close to the couple say, 'It's love!' Friends say that the flames of passion were stoked after Mr Stringfellow 'copped an eyeful' of Pippa during the Royal Wedding last Ap...
Read full storySimon Says...Stop Stalking!
Today a victory was scored for the battered and weary titan that is British justice. Due to the increase of people been sniffed on the bus by strangers, stalking will be now be classified as a crime. The news excited P. Tom of the probation union...
Read full storyJoan Rivers Calls Chelsea Handler a Drunk Whore - The Two Set To Box It Out: The Thrilla in Vanilla
The Thrilla Vanilla to be held at The Venitian in Las Vegas has odds makers and boxing fans alike excited beyond belief. "There hasn't been a confrontation of this magnitude since Ali fought Frazier in the Thrilla In Manila", said one gambler and...
Read full storyEffin on the map
An online campaign to convince a popular social networking website to recognise a small Irish village has finally ended in a victory for the common man. The web surfing community of the small Co. Limerick village of Effin can now, officially, have...
Read full storyBonus for Bank Chief Shock
Geoffrey Skint, famous Chief Executioner of the Royal Bank of Slush, has been awarded an unusual bonus. He will receive a bill from the relatives of all those people he has executed over the last year. This will go some way to alleviate the suffering...
Read full storyIran joins forces with Cuba to add sugar to oil exports
Havana, Cuba - Machines of all description will be ruined when oil mixed with raw sugarcane juice is exported from Iran in the coming days. Raul Casablancabenot, press-underling in the Castro administration, was boasting to reporters in a bar ne...
Read full storyBare Double Whammy
Just when a few sceptics had begun to doubt the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, as alleged by our former Prime Minister Tony Bare, they have been discovered nearby! The truth, Tony revealed today on the steps of the Vatican where...
Read full storyAndroid Phones Upgraded with Jan Brewer Touch Screen
Soon to become popular with political pundits, legislators or anyone who likes to point firmly with an index finger, Android phones and related apps will be upgraded to accommodate a Jan Brewer-like pounding of the touch screen. Previously designe...
Read full storyAirport Security Detains One Year-Old For Possible Bomb Materials In Diaper - "Goo-goo, ga-ga" Says Potential Terrorist
Salt Lake City - Security here at the Salt Lake City Airport detained a toddler after an officer smelled "a potential terrorist substance" coming from the child's diaper. One year-old Christopher Billingsly, known as Teddy Bear to those who love h...
Read full storyRonaldo and Messi go head to head in Spanish Copa Del Raya
The Spanish cup second leg between Real Madrid and Barcelona exploded last night when star players Christiano 'Winker' Ronaldo and Lionel 'Mini' Messi went head to head in a mud wrestling challenge after 62 minutes of the game. A highly volatile m...
Read full storyHollywood to remake Only Fools And Horses
Hollywood's raid on British sitcoms has reached the most successful of them all - Only Fools And Horses. The ABC network has announced that it is remaking the Peckham-set comedy for American audiences. The plot is described as 'the misadventures o...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Engaged
It seems than an engagement is on the horizon for Former Disney starlet Miley Cyrus who rose to fame playing the title character in the widely successful Hannah Montana series. The 19 year old young star has been dating Australian actor Liam Hems...
Read full storyNew car-parking spaces in Dorking car-park
Dorking car-park, the biggest tourist draw in Dorking, is to get some new car-parking spaces. "We've had the disabled and parent and child spaces for quite some time," said councillor Hampton Herrington. "We've also recently put in the motorcycle...
Read full storyHappy Monday? Don't Make Me Laugh, Says Local Grump
A local man has pooh-poohed the notion that today is the first happy day of the year. Psychologists claim that today, Monday, January 30, is the first happy day of the year because most Britons have just had their first pay cheque and have also pr...
Read full storyHeidi Klum Said She Told Her Husband Seal To Attend Anger Management Classes Or Kiss Her Fantabulous Body Bye-Bye
SANTA MONICA - Heidi Klum took her four kids to the world-famous Santa Monica Pier to buy them some of their unique rainbow-colored cotton candy. While on the pier she was approached by a reporter who asked her if she was actually going through wi...
Read full storyPretty Little Liars star Ashley Benson cyber stalker
Pretty little liars star Ashley Benson who plays queen bee Hannah Marin says her role on the ABC hit drama was a break through for her career and has made her a huge hit with it's teenage viewers. However stardom has not been the best ride for Ben...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Devastated At Being Dumped By Steven Tyler Says She Has A Crush On Russell Brand
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kate Gosselin the former star of two cancelled cable shows Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Kate Plus 8 was in West Hollywood visiting her former dance partner on Dancing With The Stars Tony Dovaloni. Gosselin said that Tony was there fo...
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