Spanza47b. (Part Three)

Funny story written by Tommy Twinkle

Monday, 30 January 2012

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"Anyways, I gets back to rand abaat where I knows the flying saucer is. Problem mate. Where's the bleedin' flying saucer? Spanza47b's switched on this invisible mode fing, if that's the correct word like, 'cause 'ow am I s'posed to know abaat such fings? Well I'm standin' there on the sand wiv me slippers 'n' me socks in me 'ands tryin' to figure out 'cisely where bleedin' fing is like. A few other sunbathers were arand on the beach by then annal all givin' me strange looks thems not bein' used t' seein' English people dressed like I was Fred. Well like I says this was nineteen sixty. Beatles were still to arrive in 'merica 'n' show 'em a bit ov decent music back then, 'n' old Freddie Laker's Skytrain was still years off mate, God bless that man's soul. S'pose there must 'ave been a few English people out there obviously but only those wiv a few bob like, not the sort ov English people like me or you Fred. People like us didn't go flyin' out to places like Miami in those days to go strolin' abaat on the beach wiv knotted 'ankies on their 'eads. I was stickin' out like a sore fum so I was. Didn't even 'ave a suntan like, legs and face as white as a sheet although I'd kept me shirt on 'course 'n' me sleeves rolled dan.

Though as luck would 'ave it Fred Spanza47b's seen me standin' there on the beach 'nt she, 'aving dun 'er tinkerin' abaat wiv the engine like. Explained to me a bit more later why she 'adn't join me for a stroll along the beach. Apart from 'aving t' play abaat wiv the engine she said she'd been concerned kids on the beach might 'ave been pointin' at 'er 'orns like. Didn't want to scare the kiddies like. Very considerate lady that Spanza47b is Fred. Very fortful lady. Only wish all aliens were like that.

Anyways, cut a long story short like, she's seen me standin' there on the beach lookin' a bit lost so she calls out t' me from inside 'er invisible flying saucer.

'Hou-oou, Hou-oou,' calls she, 'I'm over 'ere.' Keeps on calling out 'Hoo-oo' out t' me like so's I can trace where 'er voice is comin' from, 'n' so's I can finds me way back by followin' sand ov 'er voice like. So I'm concentratin' on trying t' find the saucer Fred. Means I forget to make sure the people on the beach aint lookin' in my direction. So silly me, I just goes marchin' in mate.

'Oh no!' exclaims Spanza47b, 'you should have waited until I told you when to step back in.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry sweetheart, I wasn't finking' I says.
'Too late now, not to worry' she says. Fink she was a bit annoyed wiv me all the same Fred.

'We'll have to get going straight away, otherwise one of those people on the beach might follow you in here' she says, pointin' wiv 'er two 'orns over me 'ead. So naturally I turns me 'ead rand to see what she's pointin' 'er 'orns at.

Must 'ave been quite a few people on the beach who'd seen me vanish into fin air like 'cause there's a bit of a crowd forming, all staring at the spot where I'd apparently just suddenly vanished into fin air from their perspective like. Little dog one of 'em 'ad as well. Yapping like mad it was. They're scratchin' their 'eads they was. Then one of 'em, the one with the dog, he throws a beach ball to where I'd vanished, curious to see what would 'appen to it I s'pose. Comes flyin' in through the door of the flying saucer. Spanza47b catches it, good catch as it 'appens, then in a bit of a tizzy like she instinctively throws it back out again. They're all jumpin' about like wild Fred, 'It vanished' one of 'em cries, 'the ball vanished then reappeared again coming flying back at us.' 'Gee whizz' says anuvver. So Spanza47b dives to the computer in the saucer, bangs wildly at this 'n' that button to get the door closed sharpish like, then whoosh we're out of there like a flash of lightnin'.

'Where to next' she asks.
'Where to next' I replies, 'I need to get home luv' I says, 'I've gotta be up f' work in the mornin' no later than six.' That was when I felt somefing tuggin' abaat wiv one ov me rolled up trouser legs. So I looks dan 'nd see it's the man's dog from the beach. Bloomin' fing must've come runnin' in chasin' after the beach ball I s'pose.

'Oy, Spanza47b luv' I says, 'seems we've got another passenger on board' says I.

'Oh, not to worry, I'll 'ave it for my supper later' she says.'

Well I wasn't 'aving none ov that Fred. 'Oh no you won't' I says. 'That little dog is someone's pet. We'll 'ave to go back to the beach again 'nd drop it off.' I tells 'er, I says, 'The man who this dog belongs to will be worried 'baat where it's gawn.' Well Fred, you 'ave t' tell 'em doancha. Explained to 'er I did, said, 'Same applies wiv cows 'nd fings, they belong to farmers. They're not pets as such but that don't mean it's alright for you aliens to simply take 'em for yer dinners luv.' 'Well we've got to eat' she says.

'Anyway, we can't take the dog back' says she, 'because we wouldn't be able to return to the exact same moment in time. 'You'll have to keep it' she says, 'because it's no use to me if I can't eat it.'

Anyway, my glass is empty same as your one is mate. Gap at the bar there I can see, and if I'm not mistaken I finks it's your rand Fred. I'll tell yer the rest when yer get back.

(to be continued...)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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