Chelsea ignore league protests and buy feeder teams in football league
Following the suggestion of manager Andre Villas-Boas that the English Premier League teams should follow the model of Spain and field a "B" teams in the lower leagues or buy feeder teams, Chelsea have announced they will buy two local teams from the...
Read full storyMSNBC: Major Amos B. Hoople Endorses Gingrich On Rachel Maddow Show
BILLINGSGATE POST - Major Amos B. Hoople announced his endorsement of Newt Gingrich on MSNBC's Rachel Maddow Show this evening. Ms. Maddow, who was leaning forward during the interview with the bombastic Major, was unaware that the nasty bastard was...
Read full story"A History Of The Intertelnet", written in 1874 by Sir Charles Cockface
The world's interconnected telegraph network, also known as the intertelnet, has been running for a little over forty years now, sending Morse code messages around the civilised world. It was in 1832 that the first electrical telegrammatic message was sent from Dorking to Effingham by Lady Spongebob Telegraph, wife of the inventor Lord Jethro Telegraph. Famously, the message was a whimsical descri...
Read full storyZimbabwe ATMs to be brought into the UK
With the economic downturn in the UK expected to require quantitative easing, which is in effect, printing more money, cash machines, or ATMs, are to be brought in from Zimbabwe to help the British monetary system cope. "When we print more money,"...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen Seen Trying To Hit On Kobe's Soon-To-Be-Ex-Wife, Vanessa "The $75 Million Woman" Bryant
HOLLYWOOD - Charlie Sheen alias "The Space Cadet" wasted no time as he was seen trying to hit on Vanessa Bryant at a Pizza Doll Restaurant located near Sunset and Vine. Charlie was wearing an NFL New York Giants baseball cap and a New England Patr...
Read full storyNew Greek Threat: More Credit for Us Or No More Gyros for You
Athens -- Facing a debt burden that could enslave its citizens for decades to come, Greece has gone on the offensive, declaring it will halt the production of gyros worldwide if it's not given a larger line of credit. "Go ahead and laugh, but I ca...
Read full storyPompey Cash Crisis - At Last, Something To Celebrate!
The latest cash crisis at Portsmouth FC has been welcomed by "superfan" Jake Seaport. The club announced yesterday that it has been hit with a winding-up order by HM Customes and Revenue over an unpaid tax bill of £1.6 million. The crisis has been...
Read full storySomerset man had free meals for 9 months
An obese man who died from a heart attack had been gorging himself on free meals and drinks for 9 months prior to his sudden death. 52-year-old Albert Burton, who lived near Cheddar Gorge, loved all-inclusive holidays at Mediterranean resorts, and...
Read full storyTrillion Pound Debt Blamed on Prince Harry Nadir
In scenes reminiscent of the worst days of the English Civil War the Cavalier King Cameron has blamed Roundheads under the leadership of Prince Harry Nadir for landing the country with a trillion pound debt. Prince Harry Nadir who has, until recen...
Read full storySweetness to slaughter cows
New York, NY - The U.N. has proclaimed that effective today, no animals will be slaughtered with barbaric and painful mechanical means, such as shooting in the head. Animals will be slaughtered sweetly. Ms. Beeker, our correspondent at the U.N. r...
Read full storyPresident Obama Tells Vice-President Joe Biden He Has To Do More Around The White House Or He May Be Put On Probation
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A highly reliable, unnamed, inside White House source has revealed that President Obama recently had a heart-to-heart meeting with Vice-President Joe Biden. According to the source, it is really no secret at the White House that...
Read full storyTotal Wipeout USA Earns TV Repair Man Praise For Digital Channel
Previously considered useless digital repeat wasteland channel, Watch HD, has received praise from an unlikely source. The channel is part of the UKTV group of channels which broadcast BBC content alongside specially-commissioned programmes. The G...
Read full storySNP plot to top the Queen with Carpet Burns Night shagathon
Norfolk - A succession of Scottish Nationalist toy boys is lining up for a turn on the Sandringham shag pile according to reports. Tradition dictates representatives of Scotland's fittest under-21s gets a go at pleasuring the Queen to celebrate un...
Read full storySite readiness cock up means shock Olympics venue change to Butlins Clacton
Stunning news reaches us that due to unforeseen circumstances, the Olympic Games are to be relocated to an alternative site. Commenting today, Boris Johnson said that the original site will not be ready in time, so the Games are to be moved to wh...
Read full storyGingrich Lobbies Tiger Woods for Support in Florida
Emerging like a Phoenix in South Carolina after his second wife dropped the infidelity bomb on him, Newt Gingrich is now lobbying Tiger Woods for campaign support in Florida, says "they're kindred spirits". Referring to Tiger's ability to launch a...
Read full storyPhysicists guide to romance
As any biologist will happily tell you, at some point even a physicist must find a suitable mate. Otherwise, where do baby physicists come from? Therefore, it follows that at some point in any physicist's life, there will be a need to procreate. Please see the earlier physicists guide to identifying the sexes, as attempting to procreate with same gender people will prove fruitless. And sometimes p...
Read full storyAngry Birds Designer Hides Phoenix Cheat
Looking to provide an edge for select players of the wildly successful Angry Birds smart phone game, a new bird character known as the "Phoenix" was hidden inside the existing game with special instructions to activate the cheat. Angry Birds graph...
Read full storyJuror Jailed After Online Research
British justice was shown to be the best in the world yesterday when a juror who made the mistake of doing internet research about the case she was trying was jailed for six months. Three judges at the High Court found 34-year-old psychology lectu...
Read full storyFalling badger population blamed on modern music
The British Badger Population (BBP) has been in steady decline since the 1980s, shortly after its heyday. "At first we thought it might have been the introduction of the car-alarm in 1981," said naturist and badgerologist, David Bellamy. "The cons...
Read full storyFeral joggers terrify Dorking
Roving packs of joggers have sprung up on the streets of Dorking, terrorising local residents. "We're afraid to go out at night," said Harold Nottingham, a septuagenarian from Oswald Crescent. "I'm forever having to put my bins back upright in the...
Read full storyBoris to make flying visit to Olympics opening ceremony - 'Thar he blows!'
Hot off the press, news has reached us that London Mayor, Boris 'Frightwig' Johnson is to play a major role in the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games this year, to be held in the capital city. Having long been an advocate to bring the games to...
Read full storyBad Romance: So What's the Skinny?
Given the assignment to write about the subject of Bad Romance, spoof reporter Gail Farrelly grabbed her trusty tape recorder and set out to collect the opinions of a number of experts in the field. A meticulous researcher, Farrelly went to the ends of the earth and beyond to get the whole scoop. Here are her findings -- expressed in direct quotes from the interviewees, who were asked: What...
Read full storyPolice Hire Sharks to Halt Drug Traffic
VENICE, CALIF. -- The police chief of this small beachside suburb yesterday contracted with an international fish monger to lease three, drug-sniffing great white sharks. "I'm going to turn'em loose in our famous Venice canals," said Chief Ratchet. "...
Read full storyBarber finds mark of the beast whilst giving Derek Acorah short back and sides
Italian hairdresser and devout Roman Catholic Luigi Carbonara has been in hiding for the last 10 years after discovering the mark of the beast on Derek Acorah's bonce whilst giving the self proclaimed miracle god a short back and sides at his former...
Read full storyTransfer Window: David Beckham joins Equatorial Guinea on loan for Africa Cup of Nations
The world was football was taking in the latest news to the high flying career of David Beckham last night when it was announced he will join Equatorial Guinea for the duration of the Africa Cup of Nations. The ex Man United player recently signed...
Read full storyA sheep, by any other name, would still be a sheep
Many thousands of years ago, men learned to catch larger animals, to grow plants, to make tools out of stone and to trade. First, cattle were used as goods to trade: one whole calf for one single shovel, but the calf was worth much higher than a shovel, and the seller unable to give any change back. As time went by, someone came up with the idea of using salt, shells, animals' tails, tigers' to...
Read full storyImprisoned Mormon Elder released for Temple wedding to Jail Bate Bougers
Salt Lake, UT - Although Jail Bate Bougers died at birth, Mormon Elder Swarmen Jerks became enraptured with her story as portrayed on T.V. and convinced the Governor to grant him leave to attend a marriage ceremony at the Temple. Wedding the dead is...
Read full storyUniversity Challenge: Saucy Worcester Make The Semis
What a sauce! Worcester College, who qualified for the second round by winning the highest-losers' play-offs, are the first team into this year's semi-finals. Defeat tonight would have been fatal for neither side as teams need to win two quarter-final matches to qualify for the semis, and each already had one win under their belts. And there was a feeling that this led to a lack of urgency - it...
Read full storyH-Pee releases Pista driver for the the T45
Las Vegas, CA - H-Pee shocked the computer industry today by releasing a driver for its long neglected and very popular T45 printer-scanner-faxer-copier. H-Pee spokesman Mr. Jose Noeweigh addressed a large crowd of reporters today at 3 p.m. The ven...
Read full storyWin by Newt Gingrich Strikes Fear into Secret DC Guild
WASHINGTON, DC - For many years, the throne of power in the US Capitol City has been chosen by "The Establishment." In 1910, this secret guild was nameless and met on Jekyll Island for a "duck hunt" which led to the creation of the Federal Reserve Ba...
Read full storyDemi Lovato and Demi Moore To Star as Lindsay and Dina Lohan In "Oodles of Freckles - The Sad Story of Lindsay Lohan"
HOLLYWOOD - Singing sensation Demi Lovato has just announced that she will soon be starring in the Lions Face Films production of Oodles of Freckles - The Sad Story of Lindsay Lohan. The motion picture is being directed and produced by Charleen Be...
Read full storyAmerican Idol's Jane Carrey Is Making Daddy Jim Carrey Very Proud
SAN DIEGO - She walked into the American Idol audition room and sang her song becoming perhaps the most famous contestant to ever audition for the reality show. Twenty-four-year-old Jane Carrey is the daughter of Jim Carrey. And the seasoned comed...
Read full storyKaty Perry Pregnancy Rumors
BEVERLY HILLS - "Teenage Dream" pop diva singer Katy Perry appeared pale and drained today as she took a back door to exit the Beverly Center. "It looked like she was trying to avoid being recognized at all costs," said a mall employee who spotted h...
Read full storyYeti Lobster Spotted in Key West
Everyone has heard of the Yeti, the hairy bipedal creature who is said to live in the colder regions on Earth. While scientists can't say for certain if the Yeti actually exists, they have come to the conclusion that there is such a creature as the...
Read full storyConcerned, Fed Up Citizens Start Campaign Against Mass Media
A neighborhood has banded together in retaliation against the media take over of their street. The group of citizens calling themselves, "Neighbors Against Mass Media" N.A.M.M., band together with signs that can't be broadcast on the news live shots,...
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